I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're ston ing her in the morning!
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead". the operator says, "How do you know"? the man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.