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Old 08-14-2012, 04:37 AM   #1
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker .

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


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Old 08-14-2012, 04:39 AM   #2
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Posts: 14,908

Just for fun. Enjoy.

Subject: Fw: Only in This Stupid World

Only in This Stupid World drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that
Indestructible black box that is
used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
Shrink when it rains?

Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so
Safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

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