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Old 11-17-2011, 02:44 PM   #1
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Joke part duex

*The Light Turned Yellow

The Light turned yellow just in front of
him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where
she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding
cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Old 11-17-2011, 04:10 PM   #2
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RE: Joke part duex

Good one!!
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:03 AM   #3
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RE: Joke part duex

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG...


Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog
who bit six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi
tee shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks and
three flag burners.

FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
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Old 11-19-2011, 09:01 PM   #4
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RE: Joke part duex

This just announced (with apologies to the female members of this forum):

Ford and Renault have formed a new joint venture:

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the all new 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid about once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't even get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:48 AM   #5
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RE: Joke part duex

Supreme Court and Religion (No Christmas Nativity Scene)

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on
Capital Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reasons.........

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nations
Capital.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!
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Old 11-22-2011, 09:08 AM   #6
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RE: Joke part duex

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.

" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:18 PM   #7
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RE: Joke part duex

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
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Old 11-23-2011, 07:17 PM   #8
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RE: Joke part duex

A Damn fine Explaination


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. ''Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same. The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ....*Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?*


Elwin*
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Old 11-25-2011, 05:12 AM   #9
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RE: Joke part duex

The 11th Husband...


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".


"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynacologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".


"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
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Old 11-30-2011, 04:09 AM   #10
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RE: Joke part duex

Everyone screams 'prejudice' these days........
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
>>
>> A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
>>
>> The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
>>
>> The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
>>
>> If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
>>
>> Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
>>
>> Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
>>
>> Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
>>
>> Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
>>
>> The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
>>
>> The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
>>
>> The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
>>
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Old 11-30-2011, 05:38 AM   #11
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Joke part duex

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately." *"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. *"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other*a s s h o l e*using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a s s h o l e?"


-- Edited by Keith on Wednesday 30th of November 2011 06:39:06 AM
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Old 12-01-2011, 11:54 AM   #12
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RE: Joke part duex

A seal pup walks into a club.

SD
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Old 12-01-2011, 12:42 PM   #13
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RE: Joke part duex

Haha! Skipper.. Good one...
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Old 12-05-2011, 09:53 AM   #14
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RE: Joke part duex

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says,

"I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge

pile-up on freeway. You're going to be okay, and walk and talk again, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't

come cheap. It comes to roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor continues:

"You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over 30 years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a

five-incher before and get a nine-incher now,she may be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. So It's important for her to play

a role in helping make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day,

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"So, what did you decide?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
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Old 12-05-2011, 12:19 PM   #15
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RE: Joke part duex

*
*
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniformmarches into a chemist *shop and very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly *folded cotton bandana, unfolds *it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also *unfolds to *reveal a condom.
*
The condom has a number of patches on it.
*
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square *handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and *marches out of *the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
*
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this *time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

*
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Old 12-05-2011, 12:27 PM   #16
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RE: Joke part duex

Quote:
Doc wrote:


"So, what did you decide?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
*Wise choice. *Sounds like he will get more use out of the granite.
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Old 12-05-2011, 12:40 PM   #17
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RE: Joke part duex

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:31 PM   #18
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RE: Joke part duex

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

*5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12.. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Old 12-06-2011, 11:21 PM   #19
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RE: Joke part duex

Quote:
ARoss wrote:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?

*Al - Surperbly put!
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Old 12-09-2011, 08:54 AM   #20
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Joke part duex

Our Yearly Dementia Test



It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?























*

*

*

*

*

*

Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.








2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

























*

*

*

*

*

*

Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.










3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

















*

*

*

*

Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.













4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven ..

























*

*

*

*

*

*

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

If you scroll back, consider it as a wrong answer...































*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Answer : Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age?

It was YOU driving the bus!!



If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.



PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!










-- Edited by Doc on Friday 9th of December 2011 09:56:20 AM
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