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Old 12-10-2011, 09:13 PM   #21
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RE: Joke part duex

DONATIONS
*
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the Washington DC beltway. Nothing was moving.* Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
*
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
*
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.* Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
*
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
*
"About a gallon" the man replies.
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Old 12-13-2011, 04:49 AM   #22
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RE: Joke part duex

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:27 AM   #23
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RE: Joke part duex

Ok, Fred - Whoever wrote that cow-a-tribe of world social circumstances understands world conditions better than any candidate at hand...

If that came from your own noodle, you have too much time at hand and need a job!* Therefore... if that's your copy it seems simple to me!*

Fred for President!!

*

*

*

*
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Old 12-14-2011, 08:32 AM   #24
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RE: Joke part duex

One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said,
"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
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Old 12-14-2011, 11:13 AM   #25
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RE: Joke part duex

Quote:
windmist wrote:
One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
*Is that the same guy that did that in Jan 09 asking for Bush?* He's never happy.
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Old 12-14-2011, 02:14 PM   #26
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RE: Joke part duex

Quote:
JD wrote:windmist wrote:
I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
*Is that the same guy that did that in Jan 09 asking for Bush?* He's never happy.

*Check, and... CHECKMATE!
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:23 AM   #27
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RE: Joke part duex

A guy's wife had been missing for 5 days. *The police knocked on his door. and said, "prepare for the worst". *So, he went to Goodwill to get her clothes back.*
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Old 01-13-2012, 09:16 AM   #28
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RE: Joke part duex

THE PAINT CAN

A*newlywed couple wanted to join a church.*The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for
*new parishioners.

You must abstain from sex for an entire month."**The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife*was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the*pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

*We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint*and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.*"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:16 PM   #29
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Greetings,

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Old 10-09-2012, 08:34 PM   #30
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This morning my wife asked me "What do you like most in me... my pretty face or my sexy body?" I looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor honey."
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:47 AM   #31
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is thetongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average,


nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have


sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's yourturn


to spread these crazy facts and send this tosomeone you


want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.


In other words, send it to everyone!
(and Godlove that pig!)




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Old 10-10-2012, 10:08 AM   #32
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Pulling a tooth

Something to consider.


A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anesthetic."

The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."

The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"

The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth."

The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said, "If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would like to know about it."

The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were tired but me...so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap under the snow cover, and when I squatted, my balls dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."

The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?"

"When I ran out of chain on the trap."
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Old 10-11-2012, 01:19 AM   #33
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Princess and the Navy Pilot

Once upon a time, a Navy Pilot asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No."

Thereafter, the Navy pilot lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, made many cruises to cool places like Key West and the Philippines and Thailand and Portugal where he screwed skinny big-breasted broads and went drinking with his friends and flew around blowing shit up and having adventures and after that he came home and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer, tequila, and rum and did shooters and Flaming Hookers and smoked cigars and never heard any bitching and never paid child support or alimony and chased cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on cruise and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and he left the toilet seat up.

The end
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Old 10-11-2012, 05:41 AM   #34
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THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,

MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST

WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...

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Old 10-13-2012, 06:00 PM   #35
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This is a test to see if you are an alcoholic.

.
.
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.
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If you saw a sign that said "Bar", you are an alcoholic.

PS
Good thing it's a stout tree.
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Old 10-14-2012, 05:52 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffnick View Post
Good thing it's a stout tree.
What tree.??
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