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Old 10-21-2011, 05:29 AM   #41
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RE: Joke

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into
town and went to a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him an said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So I called him a piece of dog bleep . He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I don't give a damn. I came into town by train. I try to
have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.
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Old 10-24-2011, 08:02 AM   #42
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RE: Joke

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small
rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
investigate him.*

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.*

RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$200 a week plus free room and board.*


Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here.*

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.*

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.*

GOVT AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.*

RANCHER: That would be me.*
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:13 AM   #43
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RE: Joke

I am from Alaska. The biggest state in the union.

*I hear a lot about how big Texas is.

Well I was talking to a Texan the other day.* As usual he was bragging about how big Texas was.

*He told me some days he gets in his truck and go's all day long and never sees the gate to his ranch.

I told him.

Yeah. I once had a truck like that.
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:23 AM   #44
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RE: Joke

My favorite Texas is so big story, is to listen politely to someone go on about how big it is and then remind him that if he doesn't watch out, they'll cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state.
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Old 10-26-2011, 04:37 AM   #45
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RE: Joke

Got to love this, what a bloody good idea!

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling.
It will also eliminate long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.

"Shalom!"
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:39 AM   #46
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RE: Joke

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
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Old 10-28-2011, 11:15 AM   #47
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Joke

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


-- Edited by KJ on Sunday 30th of October 2011 01:37:34 AM
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Old 11-04-2011, 05:24 AM   #48
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Joke

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies lived on that street.
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.

*
Ten years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the "cosmos" were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiney little kids.
*
Ten years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

Ten years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (for hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

Ten years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an "Early Bird Special."

Ten years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the*Dairy Queen*because the food was not too spicy, the ice cream was soft and*it was handicapped-accessible.

Ten years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

*


-- Edited by Keith on Friday 4th of November 2011 05:25:18 AM
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:01 AM   #49
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RE: Joke

One day a* fourth-grade** teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. * * * * *All the typical* answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman.... and so* forth.. * * * * * However, little Justin was* being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his* father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off* all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. * * * * * Sometimes,* if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." * * * * * The* teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" * * * * **

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get* Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in* front of the other kids."*
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Old 11-07-2011, 05:01 AM   #50
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RE: Joke

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"





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