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Old 09-03-2011, 07:38 PM   #21
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RE: Joke

A group of coots has many collective nouns, including a "codgery", "commotion", "fleet", "shoal", and "swarm" of coots. *I prefer "codgery."
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Old 09-04-2011, 04:32 AM   #22
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RE: Joke

Witticisms of Ignorance

It 's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

when blondes have more fun do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name..

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
You know why a banana is like a politician?
When he first comes in he is green,
then he turns yellow and then he's rotten.
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms
like NASCAR drivers so we could identify
their corporate sponsors.
[*-*]
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Old 09-27-2011, 03:23 AM   #23
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RE: Joke

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique

recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.




1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out

the face of the person you are holding underwater.



There -- See? -- It really does work.

You're smiling already
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Old 09-28-2011, 09:35 AM   #24
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RE: Joke

A sad tale......


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily..

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos =
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!* Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'


When I asked him why, he said,



'Well, last night our clock cuckooed* three times, then said 'oh s**t.' .
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:05 AM   #25
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RE: Joke

Quote:
Moonstruck wrote:'Well, last night our clock cuckooed* three times, then said 'oh s**t.' .

cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.

*very funny!* :teevee:
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:36 PM   #26
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RE: Joke

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and asked that the boy speak to his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"
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Old 09-29-2011, 09:56 AM   #27
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RE: Joke

** Dead Horse***
************ Theory

*

*

*

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."


*

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:


*

1. Buying a stronger whip.


*

2. Changing riders.


*

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.


*

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.


*

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.


*

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.


*

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.


*

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.


*

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.


*

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.


*

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is* less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially* more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.


*

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.


*

And of course....


*

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

*
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Old 09-29-2011, 12:52 PM   #28
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RE: Joke

Walt, that should not be in the joke section.* It has too much ring of the truth.* It is very funny in an odd sort of way.
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Old 09-29-2011, 02:53 PM   #29
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RE: Joke

*
<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tbody><tr><td valign="top"><blockquote style="padding-left:5px;margin-left:5px;">
Quote:
I did not know this.....


When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
*
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

*
*
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends!
</td></tr></tbody></table>
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:19 PM   #30
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RE: Joke

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:40 PM   #31
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RE: Joke

*

While creating wives, God promised men that
<blockquote style="margin-top:5pt;margin-bottom:5pt;">good and obedient wives would be found in all<br style="color:#000000;" />corners of the world.


*
<blockquote style="margin-top:5pt;margin-bottom:5pt;">And then He made the earth round.
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Old 09-30-2011, 04:56 PM   #32
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RE: Joke

In the words of Grimmy, "man is not dogs' best friend. Your best friend will not neuter you".
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Old 09-30-2011, 05:11 PM   #33
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Rescue at sea

[img]../../download.spark?ID=1009179&aBID=115492[/img]
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:34 PM   #34
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RE: Joke

Just sent to me by a friend----

Her Diary, His Diary

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
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Old 10-15-2011, 04:34 AM   #35
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RE: Joke

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized that I don't really give a darn.
It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, eats only krill, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, moves at glacial speed,
and does nothing strenuous, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!
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Old 10-15-2011, 11:31 AM   #36
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RE: Joke

Quote:
FF wrote:

It's the tortoise life for me!* ...

*
I'm retired. Go around me!
*I've adopted the life of a cat: eat, sleep, play.

*

Dog (Earl)*and cat (Mooch)*lying on the beach ...

Mooch:*"I didn't know we were on vacation, Earl."

Earl: "You've been napping, eating, and goofing off at the beach all week!* What did you think you were doing!?!"

Mooch: "Working outside the office."
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Old 10-15-2011, 11:34 AM   #37
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RE: Joke

Quote:
Marin wrote:

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
*The only time my boat hasn't started was when the gear lever was just a bit off center/neutral.
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:49 AM   #38
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RE: Joke

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists.

*

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

*

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
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Old 10-19-2011, 04:55 AM   #39
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RE: Joke

A Male Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.



The End
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Old 10-19-2011, 04:57 AM   #40
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RE: Joke

The New Tale of the

Ant and the Grasshopper





This one is a little different ....
Two Different Versions ...
Two Different Morals


OL D VERSION

The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.
The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN
VERSION

The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing,

'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake,

while he damns the ants.



President Obama condems the ant
and blames
President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
exclaim in an interview with

LarryKing that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government GreenCzar
and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.


MORAL OF THE STORY:


Be careful how you vote in 2012.



I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant
not a grasshopper!
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