Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 03-09-2012, 06:40 AM   #1
Guru
 
Keith's Avatar
 
Vessel Name: Anastasia III
Vessel Model: Krogen 42
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,716
Humor

OK, here we go.

A MALE FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a prince asked abeautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" the Princess said "NO' and the Prince lived happily ever after, riding motorcycles, dating thin, long legged, big breasted women half his age and cheerleaders and hunting and fishing and racing cars and going to naked bars and drinking whiskey and beer and Captain Morgan and never paid child support or alimony and never lost his house and kept his guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end!
__________________
Advertisement

Keith is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2012, 07:46 AM   #2
Guru
 
healhustler's Avatar
 
City: Longboat Key, FL
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Bucky
Vessel Model: Krogen Manatee 36 North Sea
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3,890
RE: Humor

LOLROF. Absolutely fantastic, Keith. Can't wait to send this to all my princesses.
__________________

healhustler is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2012, 11:32 AM   #3
TF Site Team
 
FlyWright's Avatar
 
City: California Delta and SF Bay
Country: Sacramento, CA, USA (boat in Vallejo)
Vessel Name: FlyWright
Vessel Model: Marshall Californian 34 LRC
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 8,633
Man's Best Friend

A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feel as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

...no wait... sorry, I was thinking of alcohol.* It's alcohol that does all that crap.* Never mind...
FlyWright is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2012, 09:54 PM   #4
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,590
RE: Humor

Thanks, Al... You took the words right out of my mouth and described my wife, Linda,*to a T!**I'm a*seriously a lucky guy and try every day to fully*return her favors!!

As you mentioned:

A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
Art is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2012, 10:39 PM   #5
Master and Commander
 
markpierce's Avatar
 
City: Vallejo CA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Carquinez Coot
Vessel Model: 2011 Seahorse Marine Coot hull #6
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 9,171
RE: Humor

This is love:


<font face="arial" size="2" color="#000000" style="font-family:arial;color:#000000;font-size:x-small;"></font>
hon!i miss you and the Coot!

going to manila early next week
to have patches embroidered
they'll go on baseball caps, t-shirts, etc


and specs you need considered?



Hi Sweetie!
*
Went to the boat this afternoon. Ate a salami sandwich, drank a couple of Cynthia's beers, added water to the freshwater tanks, moved some fuel between tanks, listened to the radio (brought the one you gave me), and read the Crockett book.
*
Tomorrow (hah, hah, it's next week)*is Saint Patrick's Day. Got the fixings (corned beef, cabbage, etcetera, plus Irish whiskey. Weeeeeeeee! (Wish you were here to share. Will check with Cynthia to see if she can come over.)
*
your Mark
*
PS -- Bear and Pig are doing fine on the Coot








<font face="arial" size="2" color="#000000" style="font-family:arial;color:#000000;font-size:x-small;"></font>

*
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	img_1076[1].jpg
Views:	311
Size:	189.3 KB
ID:	10504  
markpierce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 07:20 AM   #6
Curmudgeon
 
BaltimoreLurker's Avatar
 
City: Stoney Creek, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Moon Dance
Vessel Model: 1974 34' Marine Trader Sedan
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,541
RE: Humor

A Bear - A Priest, A Preacher, A Rabbi







<table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding:0in;" valign="top">
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."




</td></tr></tbody></table>
BaltimoreLurker is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 07:24 AM   #7
Guru
 
City: North Charleston, SC
Country: USA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,385
Humor

Quote:
Art wrote:
Thanks, Al... You took the words right out of my mouth and described my wife, Linda,*to a T!**I'm a*seriously a lucky guy and try every day to fully*return her favors!!

As you mentioned:

A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

Same here but mine is Patti.* Third try but July 4, 2012 will be our thirtieth wedding aniversary.* I wouldn't trade her for any other woman.
*



-- Edited by rwidman on Saturday 10th of March 2012 08:25:17 AM


-- Edited by rwidman on Saturday 10th of March 2012 08:26:06 AM
rwidman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 01:28 PM   #8
Guru
 
Carey's Avatar
 
City: Bellingham, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Happy Destiny
Vessel Model: Custom Lobster Yacht
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,101
Humor

Quote:
Rwidman said




Same here but mine is Patti.* Third try but July 4, 2012 will be our thirtieth wedding aniversary.* I wouldn't trade her for any other woman.
*

__________________________________________________ __________*

That was sweet.*

She's reading this, isn't she?*


-- Edited by Carey on Saturday 10th of March 2012 02:29:23 PM
Carey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 05:34 PM   #9
Guru
 
O C Diver's Avatar
 
City: Fort Myers, FL... Summers in Crisfield, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Slow Hand
Vessel Model: Cherubini Independence 45
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,512
RE: Humor

Something to ponder:
Osama Bin Laden was living with 13 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years. What are the odds that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself?
O C Diver is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 05:37 PM   #10
Guru
 
Carey's Avatar
 
City: Bellingham, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Happy Destiny
Vessel Model: Custom Lobster Yacht
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,101
RE: Humor

Quote:
O C Diver wrote:
Something to ponder:
Osama Bin Laden was living with 13 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years. What are the odds that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself?
*Very high I would say. *
Carey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 06:20 PM   #11
Senior Member
 
belizebill's Avatar
 
City: Caye Caulker
Country: Belize, Central America
Vessel Name: Irish Miss
Vessel Model: 36' Marine Trader, D C
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 227
RE: Humor

No more OTDE? HMMM. OK then-----------Two Jews sitting in a Mexican restarant and one says to the other, I wonder if there are any Mexican Jews? The first guy says why dont we ask the Mexican waiter, so they do,the waiter says ill go check. He comes back and says no Senors, no Mexican Jews, The guys are flabargasted, Our people are everywhere, are you sure there are no Mexican Jews? The waiter says Ill go ask the manager. The waiter comes back and says, no Senors, we have only orange Jews, pineapple Jews and grape Jews
belizebill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 07:44 PM   #12
Guru
 
Ocean Breeze NL's Avatar
 
City: Springdale, NL
Country: Canada
Vessel Name: Ocean Breeze
Vessel Model: Ocean Alexander 85OA38
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 525
RE: Humor

Now Bill that made me laugh and I needed it too.

Elwin*
Ocean Breeze NL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 07:51 PM   #13
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 50
RE: Humor

In az that is REALLY FUNNY!!
THANX
Boathommy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2012, 07:55 PM   #14
Guru
 
Ocean Breeze NL's Avatar
 
City: Springdale, NL
Country: Canada
Vessel Name: Ocean Breeze
Vessel Model: Ocean Alexander 85OA38
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 525
RE: Humor

Confession*


An elderly man walks*into a confessional. The following conversation*ensues:*
***
Man: 'I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

*
Priest: Ya great! and?

Man: Yesterday, I took two college girls for a ride in my boat. We stopped at the little island about 15 miles from here, where I had sex with each of them.'*
***
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your*sins?'*
**
Man: 'What sins?'*
***
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are*you?'*
***
Man: 'I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish.'*
***
Priest: 'Why did you come in here to tell me?'*
***
Man: 'I'm 72 years old .... I'm telling*everybody!'
Ocean Breeze NL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2012, 11:24 AM   #15
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,590
Humor

This is not necessarly humor... but you could look at it that way!
Quote of*the day:
*
'Whatever you give a woman she may make it greater.*
*
Give her your sperm; she'll give you a baby.*
*
Give her a house; she'll give you a home.
*
Give her groceries; she'll give you a meal.*
*
Give her a smile; she'll*give you her heart.
*
Some women, but not all, can greatly multiply and enlarge what it is we give them.
*
So, if you*give her any crap, be prepared to receive a Ton of Her SHTT!!

A woman can be an angel...
BUT... If we break their wings - - > They simply continue*to fly... on a broomstick.
*
That is the EXACT reason why its always good to Keep Momma (aka The Admiral) Happy!!* Then everybodys HAPPY!!

As you can see from reading the above:
*
Women are flexible, and that can be good for us if we nurture that flexibility correctly... Especially In BED!
*
*
*

*


-- Edited by Art on Monday 12th of March 2012 11:26:37 AM
Art is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2012, 12:55 PM   #16
Doc
Guru
 
Doc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 508
RE: Humor

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Doc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2012, 06:15 AM   #17
Guru
 
City: North Charleston, SC
Country: USA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,385
RE: Humor

Quote:
Carey wrote:
Rwidman said




Same here but mine is Patti.* Third try but July 4, 2012 will be our thirtieth wedding aniversary.* I wouldn't trade her for any other woman.
*

__________________________________________________ __________*

That was sweet.*

She's reading this, isn't she?*



-- Edited by Carey on Saturday 10th of March 2012 02:29:23 PM

No, but I mean it.* There have been some issues lately and she has been right by my side all the way.* I have a gem.

*
rwidman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-14-2012, 07:39 PM   #18
Guru
 
Ocean Breeze NL's Avatar
 
City: Springdale, NL
Country: Canada
Vessel Name: Ocean Breeze
Vessel Model: Ocean Alexander 85OA38
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 525
RE: Humor

*
The masked robber burst into the bank and forced the tellers to load*a sackful of cash.
On his way out, a customer grabbed him and tore off his mask,*revealing his face.
The robber shot him dead without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking*straight at him.
The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone in the bank, now terrified, looked intently down at the floor*in silence.
The robber yelled, " Anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of terrified silence.

Then, one old farmer blurted out, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya..."
Ocean Breeze NL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2012, 03:55 AM   #19
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,908
RE: Humor

Teacher arrested:

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
FF is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2012, 10:26 AM   #20
TF Site Team
 
Baker's Avatar
 
City: League City, Tx
Country: Texas
Vessel Model: Carver 356
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,027
RE: Humor

Good stuff on here. I do like yours FF but I think Doc's takes the prize!!!....the Clitaurus!!!
__________________

Baker is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Nautical Humor skipperdude Off Topic Forum 0 05-19-2011 01:37 PM




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:50 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2006 - 2012