Humor
- Thread starter Keith
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
You haven't seen the size of our kitchen knives - especially the serrated ones!
Wifey B: You're very fortunate your wife is so loving and not the type to use one.
Ok you two, back to our regularly scheduled program.
Two retired pirates are sitting in a dockside bar, telling war stories. One of them asks the other guy "So, mate, how did you get that pegleg?". "Arrgh, it got bit off by a bloody shark!". First pirate says, "Mate, you are sure one tough SOB. And how did you get the hook?". "Arrgh, I was in a sword fight and the other bastard cut off me hand!".
First pirate says, "That must have hurt! But how did you get the eyepatch, then?".
"Oh, well, I was up in the crosstrees lookin' for land, I looks up, this seagull flies over the mast, and craps in me eye!"
"Nah, get out, how can seagull crap make you blind?"
"It was the first day I had me hook..."
Two retired pirates are sitting in a dockside bar, telling war stories. One of them asks the other guy "So, mate, how did you get that pegleg?". "Arrgh, it got bit off by a bloody shark!". First pirate says, "Mate, you are sure one tough SOB. And how did you get the hook?". "Arrgh, I was in a sword fight and the other bastard cut off me hand!".
First pirate says, "That must have hurt! But how did you get the eyepatch, then?".
"Oh, well, I was up in the crosstrees lookin' for land, I looks up, this seagull flies over the mast, and craps in me eye!"
"Nah, get out, how can seagull crap make you blind?"
"It was the first day I had me hook..."
menzies
Guru
And THAT my friends has actually (no kidding) been documented as the oldest pirate joke on the interwebs!
check it out!
RT Firefly
Enigma
RT Firefly
Enigma
Greetings,
Mr. A. "...privacy break in thieves..." I think it's a felony to refuse to give TSA your password.
Mr. A. "...privacy break in thieves..." I think it's a felony to refuse to give TSA your password.
Used to be a crime to ignore subpoenas... 2020 on the run!
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2008
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- Australia
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- Now boatless - sold 6/2018
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- Had a Clipper (CHB) 34
And THAT my friends has actually (no kidding) been documented as the oldest pirate joke on the interwebs!
check it out!
Well, I guess that says something for it as to why it is still around, because it is damned good..!
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2011
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- 13,347
- Vessel Name
- Sojourn
- Vessel Make
- Integrity 386
" Hi Honey,welcome home. Sorry, I had to go out, I left your dinner in the oven, it`s a salad".
RT Firefly
Enigma
Greetings,
Mr. m. Have you been talking to my wife?
Mr. m. Have you been talking to my wife?
menzies
Guru
A visitor was taking a guided tour around the Naval Academy in Annapolis. He saw a couple of dozen plebes on their knees with pencils and clipboards.
He asked the tour guide what they were doing.
"Oh, the senior midshipmen give plebes the challenge of calculating how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"I see, and do you know the answer?"
"Yes, one!"
He asked the tour guide what they were doing.
"Oh, the senior midshipmen give plebes the challenge of calculating how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"I see, and do you know the answer?"
"Yes, one!"
Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If that is not the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If that is not the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
I got a leaflet through the door today that said, "If you are an alcoholic, call this number" so I rang the number...It was the damn liquor store!!!.......
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A beggar stopped me in the street and asked me if I had any spare change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said " it appears that I do"
I thanked him for his interest and walked on.
What a nice man
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with suicide prevention.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
"I'm Neil Kinnock and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
"Remain calm and stay on the line!!..
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For all my Motorcycle Friends....
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
" Well, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A beggar stopped me in the street and asked me if I had any spare change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said " it appears that I do"
I thanked him for his interest and walked on.
What a nice man
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with suicide prevention.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
"I'm Neil Kinnock and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
"Remain calm and stay on the line!!..
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For all my Motorcycle Friends....
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
" Well, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
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- Integrity 386
Sadly I did. Good joke, new to me,but kinda gives it a start date.
menzies
Guru
LaBomba
Guru
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2012
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- Canada
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- Vessel Make
- Carver 370 Voyager
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
RT Firefly
Enigma
RT Firefly
Enigma
RT Firefly
Enigma
menzies
Guru
I was driving down the road this morning and I saw a AAA truck parked by the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "that man is headed for a breakdown."
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "that man is headed for a breakdown."
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learner's permit.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too Let's exchange recipes!
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
A fool and his money can throw a great party.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Gun control: use both hands.
Remember: first you pillage, THEN you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
A picture many be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Ham and Eggs...Just a day's work for a chicken, but a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learner's permit.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too Let's exchange recipes!
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
A fool and his money can throw a great party.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Gun control: use both hands.
Remember: first you pillage, THEN you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
A picture many be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Ham and Eggs...Just a day's work for a chicken, but a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
RT Firefly
Enigma
RT Firefly
Enigma
Some summer. Down to 46F tonight. Brrrr...
