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Old 12-13-2019, 08:06 PM   #1521
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Originally Posted by menzies View Post
Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggie style.

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

[I know, not really a joke for most of us!]

I met my X at the bar last night.
After a few drinks I went over and said, "How about it? One more time for old time sake?"
She said, "Over my dead body!"
I said "OK, let's not change a thing."
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:22 AM   #1522
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MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUTÂ OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.


And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government to this day.



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Old 12-14-2019, 01:10 PM   #1523
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Old 12-14-2019, 10:58 PM   #1524
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MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUTÂ OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government to this day.




Is your son's name Hunter Biden ???
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Old 12-16-2019, 06:14 AM   #1525
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Never drink and wrap presents.

And if anyone gets a remote for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.
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Old 12-17-2019, 08:46 PM   #1526
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Fart.jpg  
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Old 12-20-2019, 05:52 PM   #1527
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Two blonds walk side by side, right into a building...

You'd think one of them would have known!

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Old 01-05-2020, 09:54 AM   #1528
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W. C. FieldsDisplaying 1 through 8 of 8 Quotes
"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for." (W. C. Fields)
"A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her." (W. C. Fields)
"Fish f*** in it." (W. C. Fields, explanation for why he never drank water)
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." (W. C. Fields)
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." (W. C. Fields)
"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned." (W. C. Fields)
"Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days." (W. C. Fields)
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with." (W. C. Fields)
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Old 01-05-2020, 10:32 AM   #1529
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
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Old 01-05-2020, 08:11 PM   #1530
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Man says to W.C.:

You're drunk!

W.C. snaps back:

Yeah... well, I'm drunk and you're crazy. Tomorrow I'll be sober. You'll be crazy for the rest of your life!
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Old 01-05-2020, 09:06 PM   #1531
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https://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/0...ober-tomorrow/
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Old 01-06-2020, 12:26 AM   #1532
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I wasn't far off on the actual conjunctive words in my W.C. quote on post # 1533! Certainly captured the theme.

I watched that W.C. show when in my middle teens. Yup, I was already readily partaking of bear, mixed as well as straight liquor... and other obnoxious libations. Instantly [way back then] that W.C Fields quote hit home as reality and stuck in my mind like glue!

On my own volition, 11/25/1995, 1/2 way through my 43rd year, I quit drinking and smoking. Not one sip or puff since. Life was good before and ever more grand since! Received my 24 yr chip 11/25/2019 at a New Port beach meeting. 12/16/2019 was our 23dr anniversary as a couple. Members will understand... that I adhered to the recommended one year or longer rule of thumb before entering into a relationship.

Ya gotta love W.C. fields quotes... and ya gotta love life. I do, on both counts!! Thank God
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Old 01-06-2020, 01:13 AM   #1533
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The late Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies(aka Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, and aka "Pig Iron Bob") at election campaign meetings encountering lady hecklers:


1. Heckler: "You two faced liar"
Menzies : "Madam, if you were two faced you would not be wearing that one".


2. Heckler: If you were my husband I`d give you poison"
Menzies: Madam,If I were married to you I`d drink it".
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Old 01-11-2020, 07:02 AM   #1534
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Greetings,
Not REALLY humor but...(stolen from another site).


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Old 01-15-2020, 01:48 PM   #1535
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Love that show. The digs they get in are awesome. Without Roger, it would not be nearly as entertaining and that boating episode had me rolling.
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Old 01-15-2020, 03:43 PM   #1536
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Old 01-15-2020, 04:58 PM   #1537
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Now THAT is funny.
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Old 01-15-2020, 08:10 PM   #1538
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Old 01-15-2020, 09:38 PM   #1539
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WW O' Da West as well as Scarecrow disappeared. Trial must be over! - LOL
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Old 01-16-2020, 06:01 AM   #1540
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WW O' Da West as well as Scarecrow disappeared. Trial must be over! - LOL
Huh?
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