Humor

[menzies]

My Father's day card from my son - and how well it represent me and him!

 

[FF]

 

[JohnEasley]

Introducing you to minimalism is the least I could do.

 

[FF]

IF only we had known!,

HE was real?

 

[O C Diver]

After dinner, wife comes over to husband and asks, "Would you like to try some different positions tonight?"

Husband: "Sure!"

Wife: "Go stand at the sink and do the dishes. I'll be lying on the couch watching TV."


Ted

 

[FF]

Shown below, is an (actual)? letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your Humble Client


And remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.​

Â

 

[FF]

[FONT=&quot]Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then so here’s yours for today... enjoy![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Here is his astute answer:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch[/FONT]

 

[cardude01]

How to park a boat. [emoji15]

https://images.app.goo.gl/kmVgYCvFn6Qu2Uwk7

 

[HopCar]

How to park a boat. [emoji15]

https://images.app.goo.gl/kmVgYCvFn6Qu2Uwk7

Impressive! Now how does he get it back in the water?

 

[Art]

Impressive! Now how does he get it back in the water?

kING tIDE!

 

[FF]

[FONT=&quot]At Last....A Picture of Him[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mujibar was trying to get a job in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]India[/FONT][FONT=&quot] .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Yellow,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Pink,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Green[/FONT][FONT=&quot] .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes [/FONT][FONT=&quot]green, green[/FONT][FONT=&quot],
and I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]pink[/FONT][FONT=&quot] it up, and say, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Yellow[/FONT][FONT=&quot], this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.[/FONT]

 

[FF]

Maybe not too funny?

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: My usual? You know me?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: OK! That's what I want ..[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: How the hell do you know?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Well, we automatically cross-reference your home phone number with your medical records.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]take[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]medication for my cholesterol.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I paid in cash.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I have other sources of cash.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]undeclared income source, which is against the law.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: WHAT IS GOING ON?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App and[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...[/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT]

 

[menzies]

...

 

[Larry M]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[Larry M]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

 

[BruceK]

Courtesy of a local breakfast radio guy. He`s Jewish, I`m half Jew-ish, I liked it.

Sheila, whose husband Harvey(think Harvey & Sheila/Hava Nagila) just died, is having a post funeral chat with her friend Miriam.
Sheila: Harvey left $40K in his will for the funeral etc.
Miriam:So, what did you spend?
Sheila: $10000 for the funeral, $12000 for the wake, so far
Miriam: That leaves $18000 not spent, what`s that for?
Sheila: The stone of course
Miriam: How big is the stone?
Sheila: About 2.5 carats.

 

[FF]

* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


* Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.


* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.


* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.


* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.


* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)


* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.


* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.


* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed


* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


* Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.


* Every calendar's days are numbered.


* A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.


* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.


* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.


* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.


* Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.


* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.


* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


* Acupuncture is a jab well done

 

[menzies]

How do you know whether it is a alligator or a crocodile?

You will know when if sees you later or in a while.

 

[FF]

For those of us who remember....and for those who were too young to remember



I remember them all and hated to miss the daily show of Hollywood Squares.



These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now! Still makes me laugh!



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency...



Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can't Get Enough!”?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A, Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark...



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.



WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! KEEP ON LAUGHING 'TIL THE END!

 

[BruceK]

It`s a 5 minute walk from home to the pub. But it`s a 35 minute walk from the pub back home. The difference is staggering.

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[rsn48]

Once upon a time there was a beautiful Princess. One evening she was walking through the palace gardens when she heard a frog croaking. When she approached, the frog said: "Oh beautiful Princess, if you kiss me I'll turn into a handsome Prince and I will marry you. So she did kiss him and he remained a frog.

The next evening this same scenario was repeated, in fact this was repeated over and over again for a very long time.

The moral of the story is: If you want to marry a Prince, marry a Prince. If you want to marry a frog, marry a frog. But don't marry a frog thinking it will turn into a Prince, that only happens in fairy tales.

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[FF]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.


They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

​

 

[Al]

A Greek and an Irishman are sitting in Starbucks one day comparing the two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “Greeks built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But, it was Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, and it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
“Keep in mind it was ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

 

[boathealer]

??

 

[FF]

SHOW AND TELL
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their
religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

 

[menzies]

What doesn't smell until broken?

Wind.

[credit to Alexa]

 

[FF]

The man behind the billboard puns is Colorado native and volunteer at the local Community Center, Vince Rozmiarek (sp?). Aiming to make people laugh, Vince puts up a sign with a new pun or joke a couple times every week. He put his first sign up as an April Fools prank five years ago and has never looked back.

​

​

​

??

​

​

​

​

??

 

[boathealer]

"So, you say you want 50A service, eh?.........."