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Old 05-07-2019, 04:06 PM   #1461
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One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys
Don't think this story is true
Ask the blind man, he saw it to.

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Old 05-17-2019, 05:45 AM   #1462
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Interesting facts
1. The first webcam watched a coffee pot. It allowed researchers at Cambridge to monitor the coffee situation without leaving their desks.
2. Between 1912 and 1948, art competitions were a part of the Olympics. Medals were awarded for architecture, music, painting, and sculpture.
3. The entire state of Wyoming only has two escalators.
4. The ampersand symbol is formed from the letters in et—the Latin word for "and."
5. Ravens in captivity can learn to talk better than parrots.
6. The actor who was inside R2-D2 hated the guy who played C-3PO, calling him "the rudest man I've ever met."
7. It's a myth that no two snowflakes are exactly the same. In 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals. They came from a storm in Wisconsin.
8. When Disneyland opened in 1955, "Tomorrowland" was designed to look like a year in the distant future: 1986.
9. Before George W. Bush took office, some Clinton staffers canvassed the White House offices and removed the W key from over 60 keyboards.
10. When the last official Blockbuster Video closed in November 2013, the final rental was the apocalyptic comedy This Is the End.
11. The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
12. The collective noun for a group of pugs is a grumble.
13. In 1939, Hitler's nephew wrote an article called "Why I Hate My Uncle." He came to the U.S., served in the Navy, and settled on Long Island.
14. According to an analysis by FiveThirtyEight, 44 percent of Bob Ross's paintings contain at least one "happy little cloud."
15. On an April day in 1930, the BBC reported, "There is no news." Instead they played piano music.
16. Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue" was penned by beloved children's author Shel Silverstein.
17. Ben & Jerry learned how to make ice cream by taking a $5 correspondence course offered by Penn State. (They decided to split one course.)
18. The word "PEZ" comes from the German word for peppermint—PfeffErminZ.
19. In the 1970s, Mattel sold a doll called "Growing Up Skipper." Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.
20. Before Sally Ride became the first American woman in space, a reporter asked, "Do you weep when things go wrong on the job?"
21. In the 1980s, Pablo Escobar's Medellin Cartel was spending $2,500 a month on rubber bands just to hold all their cash.
22. The inventor of the AK-47 has said he wishes he'd invented something to help farmers instead — "for example a lawnmower."
23. The Vatican Bank is the world's only bank that allows ATM users to perform transactions in Latin.
24. The duffel bag gets its name from the town of Duffel, Belgium, where the cloth used in the bags was originally sold.
25. James Avery ("Uncle Phil" on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) was the voice of Shredder on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.
26. At Fatburger, you can order a "Hypocrite"—a veggie burger topped with crispy strips of bacon.
27. When asked who owned the patent on the polio vaccine, Jonas Salk said, "Well, the people. There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?"
28. The Q in Q-tips stands for quality.
29. Editor Bennett Cerf challenged Dr. Seuss to write a book using no more than 50 different words. The result? Green Eggs and Ham.
30. The act of stretching and yawning is called pandiculation.
31. Sea cucumbers eat with their feet.
32. A murder suspect was convicted after the broken-off leg of a grasshopper in his pants cuff turned out to be a perfect match for an insect found near the victim's body.
33. After an online vote in 2011, Toyota announced that the official plural of Prius was Prii.
34. In his book, Dick Cheney says his yellow lab Dave was banned from Camp David for attacking President Bush's dog Barney.
35. Lyme disease is named after the town of Lyme, Connecticut, where several cases were identified in 1975.

36. Reno is farther west than Los Angeles.
37. William Faulkner refused a dinner invitation from JFK's White House. "Why that’s a hundred miles away," he said. "That’s a long way to go just to eat."
38. In 1907, an ad campaign for Kellogg's Corn Flakes offered a free box of cereal to any woman who would wink at her grocer.
39. Why did the FBI call Ted Kaczynski "The Unabomber"? Because his early mail bombs were sent to universities (UN) & airlines (A).
40. Obsessive nose picking is called rhinotillexomania.
41. "Silver Bells" was called "Tinkle Bells" until co-composer Jay Livingston’s wife told him "tinkle" had another meaning.
42. Michael Jackson's 1988 autobiography Moonwalk was edited by Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
43. How did Curious George get to America? He was captured in Africa by The Man With the Yellow Hat — with his yellow hat.
44. In the early stage version of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy’s faithful companion Toto was replaced by a cow named Imogene.
45. Tobias Fnke's "nevernude" condition on Arrested Development is real. It's called "gymnophobia" — the fear of nude bodies.
46. Hawaiian Punch was originally developed as a tropical flavored ice cream topping.

47. Andy's evil neighbor Sid from Toy Story returns briefly as the garbage man in Toy Story 3.
48. Jacuzzi is a brand name. You can also buy Jacuzzi toilets and mattresses.
49. During a 2004 episode of Sesame Street, Cookie Monster said that before he started eating cookies, his name was Sid.
50. Roger Ebert and Oprah Winfrey went on a couple dates in the mid-1980s. It was Roger who convinced her to syndicate her talk show.
51. Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.
52. When he appeared on Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, Bill Clinton correctly answered three questions about My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.
53. The archerfish knocks its insect prey out of over-hanging branches with a stream of spit.
54. There really was a Captain Morgan. He was a Welsh pirate who later became the lieutenant governor of Jamaica.
55. In 1961, Martha Stewart was selected as one of Glamour magazine;s "Ten Best-Dressed College Girls."
56. At the 1905 wedding of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, President Teddy Roosevelt gave away the bride.
57. Sorry, parents. According to NASA's FAQ page, "There are no plans at this time to send children into space."
58. God and Jesus are the only characters on The Simpsons with a full set of fingers and toes.
59. The sum of all the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666.

60. Only one McDonald's in the world has turquoise arches. Government officials in Sedona, Arizona, thought the yellow would look bad with the natural red rock of the city.
61. Brenda Lee was only 13 when she recorded "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."
62. Dolly Parton once entered a Dolly Parton look-a-like contest—and lost.
63. During the Coolidge presidency, the First Family had a pet raccoon named Rebecca who liked to play in the White House bathtub.
64. After OutKast sang "Shake it like a Polaroid picture," Polaroid released this statement: "Shaking or waving can actually damage the image."
65. In Peanuts in 1968, Snoopy trained to become a champion arm-wrestler. In the end, he was disqualified for not having thumbs.
66. In France, the Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman movie No Strings Attached was called Sex Friends.
67. The famous "Heisman pose" is based on Ed Smith, a former NYU running back who modeled for the trophy’s sculptor in 1934.
68. For $45, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing will sell you a 5-lb bag with $10,000 worth of shredded U.S. currency.
69. Before going with Blue Devils, Duke considered the nicknames Blue Eagles, Royal Blazes, Blue Warriors and Polar Bears.
70. At an NOAA conference in 1972, Roxcy Bolton proposed naming hurricanes after Senators instead of women. She also preferred "him-i-canes."
71. For one day in 1998, Topeka, Kansas, renamed itself "ToPikachu" to mark Pokemon's U.S. debut.
72. Before settling on the Seven Dwarfs we know today, Disney also considered Chesty, Tubby, Burpy, Deafy, Hickey, Wheezy, and Awful.
73. The Dictionary of American Slang defines "happy cabbage" as money to be spent "on entertainment or other self-satisfying things."
74. Herbert Hoover was Stanford's football team manager. At the first Stanford-Cal game in 1892, he forgot to bring the ball.
75. The unkempt Shaggy of Scooby-Doo fame has a rather proper real name—Norville Rogers.
76. If you open your eyes in a pitch-black room, the color you'll see is called 'eigengrau.'
77. In 1965, a Senate subcommittee predicted that by 2000, Americans would only be working 20 hours a week with seven weeks vacation.
78. There are roughly 70 ingredients in the McRib.
79. A baby can cost new parents 750 hours of sleep in the first year.
80. Winston Churchill's mother was born in Brooklyn.
81. Brazil couldn't afford to send its athletes to the 1932 Olympics in Los Angeles. So they loaded their ship with coffee and sold it along the way.
82. Before Stephen Hillenburg created SpongeBob SquarePants, he taught marine biology.
83. New Mexico State's first graduating class in 1893 had only one student—and he was shot and killed before graduation.
84. George Washington insisted his continental army be permitted a quart of beer as part of their daily rations.
85. When Canada's Northwest Territories considered renaming itself in the 1990s, one name that gained support was "Bob."
86. President Nixon was speaking at Disney World when he famously declared, "I am not a crook."
87. In a study by the Smell & Taste Research Foundation, the scent women found most arousing was Good & Plenty candy mixed with cucumber.
88. In 1958, Larry King smashed into John F. Kennedy's car. JFK said he’d forget the whole thing if King promised to vote for him when he ran for president.
89. Before she wrote The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins was a writer for Clarissa Explains it All.
90. The male giraffe determines a female's fertility by tasting her urine. If it passes the test, the courtship continues.
91. Hell-o? Hell no! In 1997, Kleberg County in Texas designated "Heaven-o" as its official new phone greeting.
92. Jim Cummings is the voice of Winnie the Pooh. He calls sick kids in hospitals and chats with them in character.
93. In 1994, two men broke into the National Gallery in Oslo and stole a version of Edvard Munch's The Scream. They left a postcard that read: "Thanks for the poor security."
94. In 1979, Japan offered new British PM Margaret Thatcher 20 "karate ladies" for protection at an economic summit. She declined.
95. The Pittsburgh Penguins made Mister Rogers an honorary captain in 1991.
96. In a 1917 letter to Winston Churchill, Admiral John Fisher used the phrase "O.M.G."
97. Truman Show Delusion is a mental condition marked by a patient's belief that he or she is the star of an imaginary reality show.
98. During the first Super Bowl in 1967, NBC was still in commercial when the second half kicked off. Officials asked the Packers to kick off again.
99. Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart.
100. Until 1954, stop signs were yellow.
101. Mardi Gras float riders are required by law to wear masks.
102. Garbage trucks in Taipei play Beethoven's "Fur Elise" to let people know it's time to bring the trash out.
103. Asperger syndrome is named for Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger, who described it in 1944. He called his patients "Little Professors."
104. The term "lawn mullet" refers to a neatly manicured front yard with an unmowed mess in the back.
105. Mark Twain invented a board game called Mark Twain's Memory Builder: A Game for Acquiring and Retaining All Sorts of Facts and Dates.
106. In 1991, Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse, married Russi Taylor—the voice of Minnie.
107. Furbies were banned from the National Security Agency's Maryland headquarters in 1999. It was feared the toys might repeat national security secrets.
108. In the 1880s, a baboon worked as a signalman for nine years on a South African railroad. He was paid in brandy and never made a mistake.
109. Carly Simon's dad is the Simon of Simon and Schuster. He co-founded the company.
110. When the mummy of Ramses II was sent to France in the mid-1970s, it was issued a passport. Ramses' occupation? "King (deceased)."
111. The giant inflatable rat that shows up at union protests has a name—Scabby.
112. When the computer mouse was invented, it was called the "X-Y Position Indicator for a Display System."
113. As part of David Hasselhoff's divorce settlement, he kept possession of the nickname "Hoff" and the catchphrase "Don't Hassle the Hoff."
114. "Jay" used to be slang for "foolish person." So when a pedestrian ignored street signs, he was referred to as a "jaywalker."
115. Duncan Hines was a real person. He was a popular restaurant critic who also wrote a book of hotel recommendations.
116. The only number whose letters are in alphabetical order is 40 (f-o-r-t-y).
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Old 06-05-2019, 11:59 AM   #1463
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Marine retailers are flooring a new clothing product for us older mariners.
Pants combining the comfort of Dockers with the protection of Depends.
They are called: 'Dry Dockers'.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:59 PM   #1464
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Cops put fire out with coffee !

Wow! ... Only in Seattle!!!.....

You will not believe what just happened... I walked into 7 - 11 to get a coffee and as I walked up, I noticed 2 Police Officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas..

I saw him and thought: 1. This guy has no common sense & 2. Is he really that stupid with cops right there, too?

Anyways, I went in and got my coffee... As I was checking out, I heard screaming & looked outside,.... the guys arm was on fire!... He was swinging his arm, yelling and running around going crazy!

I ran outside and the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!....... YES, THEIR COFFEES!......... Then, they handcuffed him & threw him in the back of the police car.

Being the nosy person that I am, I asked the Officer, "Why are you arresting him?".... The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said,........... "FOR WAVING A FIREARM"
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Old 06-07-2019, 06:52 AM   #1465
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Paddy and Mick were chatting over a couple of pints of Guinness

Paddy asks Mick what sort of wife he would be looking to marry.

"I want a woman like the moon," says Mick.

"Ah, someone who is bright, but calm, eh?" Says Paddy.

"Not at all," says Mick, "I want a woman who turns up at night and disappears in the morning!"
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Old 06-07-2019, 06:54 AM   #1466
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Originally Posted by menzies View Post
Paddy and Mick were chatting over a couple of pints of Guinness

Paddy asks Mick what sort of wife he would be looking to marry.

"I want a woman like the moon," says Mick.

"Ah, someone who is bright, but calm, eh?" Says Paddy.

"Not at all," says Mick, "I want a woman who turns up at night and disappears in the morning!"
With a dark side??
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Old 06-07-2019, 10:36 AM   #1467
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It was Monday morning in her Middle School class and the teacher was asking her pupils what they had done over the weekend. She sighed as little Johnny's hand shot up.

"Yes, Johnny, what did you do this weekend?"

"Well miss, me and a couple of friends caught a frog and we put a firecracker up its ass, and lit it!"

The teacher rolled her eyes, but decided not to take him on.

"Rectum Johnny, rectum," she explained.

"Sure did miss, blew him all to pieces!"
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:57 AM   #1468
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Me or the boat.
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Old 06-21-2019, 07:55 AM   #1469
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IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...
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Old 06-21-2019, 09:10 AM   #1470
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IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...
Funny and True!
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Old 06-21-2019, 04:42 PM   #1471
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My Father's day card from my son - and how well it represent me and him!
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Old 06-26-2019, 04:49 AM   #1472
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Old 06-26-2019, 07:13 AM   #1473
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Introducing you to minimalism is the least I could do.
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Old 06-28-2019, 09:46 AM   #1474
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IF only we had known!,

HE was real?
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Old 07-02-2019, 07:59 PM   #1475
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After dinner, wife comes over to husband and asks, "Would you like to try some different positions tonight?"

Husband: "Sure!"

Wife: "Go stand at the sink and do the dishes. I'll be lying on the couch watching TV."


Ted
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I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
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Old 07-05-2019, 04:53 AM   #1476
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Shown below, is an (actual)? letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


Your Humble Client


And remember:


Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.















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Old 07-10-2019, 05:13 AM   #1477
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Everyone can use a little €œgrammar€ update now and then so here€™s yours for today... enjoy!

Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:08 PM   #1478
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How to park a boat. [emoji15]

https://images.app.goo.gl/kmVgYCvFn6Qu2Uwk7
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Old 07-12-2019, 01:20 PM   #1479
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How to park a boat. [emoji15]

https://images.app.goo.gl/kmVgYCvFn6Qu2Uwk7
Impressive! Now how does he get it back in the water?
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Old 07-12-2019, 07:50 PM   #1480
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Impressive! Now how does he get it back in the water?
kING tIDE!
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