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Old 04-04-2013, 04:15 PM   #141
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No offense, just a joke:

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were discussing how to give money to God.
The priest said: I draw a circle on the floor and play money up, which fall within the circle is God, the rest is mine.
The Pastor said, I draw a circle on the floor and play money up, which fall outside the circle is God, the rest is mine.
The Rabbi said, I draw the circle on the floor and play money up, what God wants, he gets.
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Old 04-04-2013, 04:22 PM   #142
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Again, no offense:

in a doctor's office, four people talking:
- The first man said: I'm an architect because I like to design and build homes
- The second said, I am a doctor because I like to help and heal people
- The next woman: Lesbian because I like seeing hot women touching their breasts and legs.
- The fourth man said: I thought I was a lawyer, but I just find I'm Lesbian
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Old 04-04-2013, 10:34 PM   #143
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now because I placed it under the sheets.
Love,
Mom.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:24 AM   #144
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You probably know three people having sex is called a threesome, right? I'll bet you even know two people having sex is sometimes called a twosome. Ohhhh...so that's why they call you handsome!
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:35 AM   #145
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Here's a riddle of y'all.....

If you find yourself in bed, naked, with two other people, one of whom is a beautiful blonde woman who also is naked, and the third is a gay man who also is naked.

Which one would you turn your back on?
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Old 04-05-2013, 02:48 AM   #146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robbie View Post
ok alemao here's one for you:

A blond and a red head were discussing their sex lives,

the red said,"i've slept with a brazilian",

the blond replied: "you whore you....long pause...how many's a brazilian???"
bwahahahah
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Old 04-05-2013, 02:50 AM   #147
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ocean Breeze NL View Post
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now because I placed it under the sheets.
Love,
Mom.
I saw this joke on Facebook the other day. Pretty funny isn't it
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Old 04-05-2013, 02:52 AM   #148
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GFC View Post
Here's a riddle of y'all.....

If you find yourself in bed, naked, with two other people, one of whom is a beautiful blonde woman who also is naked, and the third is a gay man who also is naked.

Which one would you turn your back on?
Hahahaha isn't only gay if you give? not receive? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:44 AM   #149
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MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:45 AM   #150
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Here is the one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.


The word is UP.


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


At other times, this little word has real special meaning.


People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!


Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not... it's UP to you.


Now I'll shut UP!
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:14 AM   #151
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Korea

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Old 04-08-2013, 07:42 PM   #152
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Let the Korean memes start lol
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Old 04-08-2013, 08:19 PM   #153
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Ah, ah, ah! Very good

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Old 04-08-2013, 08:22 PM   #154
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Let the Korean memes start lol
Awesome thanks Hendo!!
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Old 04-09-2013, 06:05 AM   #155
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Awesome thanks Hendo!!
:-) YW :-)

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Old 04-09-2013, 06:45 AM   #156
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Let the Korean memes start lol
Awesome. Very awesome. :-)
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:15 AM   #157
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Subject: Worst 1st Date


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that a fternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...
'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.



Remember,
If you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart,
Then you are just a sour old fart!



"Have a Great Dayā€¯


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Old 04-10-2013, 08:33 AM   #158
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Rare photo of North Korea's Air Force.
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Old 04-10-2013, 08:35 AM   #159
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You know what we say in Texas, one problem, one ranger. So Gov. Perry is sending one of our more famous rangers out in the field.
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:24 PM   #160
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A woman walked into a bar in West Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she had ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankyee ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't flatter yourself... Take the money and buy some boots that fit."

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