Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 08-05-2019, 06:22 AM   #1481
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19,525
At Last....A Picture of Him.








Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it
, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words

Yellow,
Pink,and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes
green, green,
and I
pink it up, and say,
Yellow
, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.









__________________
Advertisement

FF is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-17-2019, 05:18 AM   #1482
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19,525
Maybe not too funny?

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That's what I want ..

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we automatically cross-reference your home phone number with your medical records.We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I alreadytakemedication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using anundeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT IS GOING ON?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App andall the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...





__________________

FF is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-19-2019, 05:37 PM   #1483
Guru
 
menzies's Avatar
 
City: Jacksonville
Country: USA
Vessel Name: SONAS
Vessel Model: Grand Alaskan 53
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4,500
...
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	BenSamsung.jpg
Views:	43
Size:	82.7 KB
ID:	92467  
menzies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2019, 07:35 AM   #1484
TF Site Team
 
Larry M's Avatar
 
City: JAX, FL
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Hobo
Vessel Model: Krogen 42-120
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 7,757
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Larry M is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2019, 08:31 AM   #1485
TF Site Team
 
Larry M's Avatar
 
City: JAX, FL
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Hobo
Vessel Model: Krogen 42-120
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 7,757
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Larry M is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2019, 12:48 AM   #1486
Guru
 
BruceK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 9,828
Courtesy of a local breakfast radio guy. He`s Jewish, I`m half Jew-ish, I liked it.

Sheila, whose husband Harvey(think Harvey & Sheila/Hava Nagila) just died, is having a post funeral chat with her friend Miriam.
Sheila: Harvey left $40K in his will for the funeral etc.
Miriam:So, what did you spend?
Sheila: $10000 for the funeral, $12000 for the wake, so far
Miriam: That leaves $18000 not spent, what`s that for?
Sheila: The stone of course
Miriam: How big is the stone?
Sheila: About 2.5 carats.
__________________
BruceK
Island Gypsy 36 Europa "Doriana"
Sydney Australia
BruceK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2019, 05:08 AM   #1487
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19,525
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


* Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.


* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.


* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.


* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.


* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)


* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.


* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.


* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed


* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


* Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.


* Every calendar's days are numbered.


* A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.


* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.


* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.


* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.


* Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.


* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.


* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


* Acupuncture is a jab well done
FF is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-09-2019, 09:18 AM   #1488
Guru
 
menzies's Avatar
 
City: Jacksonville
Country: USA
Vessel Name: SONAS
Vessel Model: Grand Alaskan 53
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4,500
How do you know whether it is a alligator or a crocodile?

You will know when if sees you later or in a while.
menzies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-11-2019, 05:18 AM   #1489
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19,525
For those of us who remember....and for those who were too young to remember



I remember them all and hated to miss the daily show of Hollywood Squares.



These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now! Still makes me laugh!



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency...



Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can't Get Enough!”?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A, Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark...



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.



WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! KEEP ON LAUGHING 'TIL THE END!
__________________

FF is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Nautical Humor skipperdude Harbor Chat 0 05-19-2011 12:37 PM




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:12 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2006 - 2012