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Old 02-02-2013, 09:47 PM   #121
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Food for thought from the military:


"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
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I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
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Old 02-04-2013, 02:00 PM   #122
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he don't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, what did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
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Old 02-04-2013, 05:12 PM   #123
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Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A:Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the boat. When done, you have a place to live.
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Old 02-04-2013, 05:48 PM   #124
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Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter,
Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses;
Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy
he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again,
'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ;
you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room
where he meets this truly magnificent looking man
with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega,
but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands
and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"

Keep your trust in God;

your president is an idiot.
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:32 AM   #125
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After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.










'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the Newfie.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.



'Watch,' the Newfie replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.



The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You *******! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'





































































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Old 02-09-2013, 11:13 AM   #126
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You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

You can get arrested for expired tags
on your car but not for being in
the country illegally.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

You have to have your parents signature
to go on a school field trip but not to
get an abortion.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute” but hosting a sexual exploration/sexual diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom,
while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug
addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools of a “home”.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is protecting the rights of the people.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
You pay your mortgage, and deny yourself the newest big screen TV or latest gadgets. Your neighbor defaults on his mortgage while buying iPhones, TV's and new cars, and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage with your tax dollars.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
====================================
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:52 AM   #127
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That's not humor because the truth hurts.
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:47 AM   #128
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God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules
for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested. '

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and
Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not
steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit
adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There…that should piss off just about everybody!


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Old 02-12-2013, 05:47 AM   #129
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An Irish woman goes to the doctor with black and blue bruises.


Doctor: "What happened?"


Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."


Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Each time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"


Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"






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Old 02-20-2013, 05:39 AM   #130
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The deaf Italian bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers??!!




































































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Old 02-22-2013, 02:39 PM   #131
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What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here
is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.
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Old 02-23-2013, 01:57 PM   #132
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and wife in southern Winnipeg were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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Old 03-08-2013, 05:35 AM   #133
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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On
the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous
blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy
voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested
in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, it depends
on what kind of ammo you have."
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Old 03-08-2013, 08:39 AM   #134
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Gone fishin'

Flying Silver Carp on Wabash River in Indiana - YouTube
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Old 03-31-2013, 07:07 AM   #135
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MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!




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Old 03-31-2013, 08:55 AM   #136
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Dogs, music, and beer...

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Old 04-03-2013, 11:36 PM   #137
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One for our Aussie members

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...
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Old 04-04-2013, 09:39 AM   #138
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robbie View Post
One for our Aussie members

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...
Lol very clever! I'll send this off to my mates. They'll think its funny as!
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Old 04-04-2013, 11:38 AM   #139
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Old 04-04-2013, 03:24 PM   #140
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OK Alemao here's one for you:

A blond and a red head were discussing their sex lives,

The red said,"I've slept with a Brazilian",

The blond replied: "you whore you....long pause...how many's a Brazilian???"
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