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Old 03-26-2018, 06:52 PM   #1281
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Story of Adam & Eve's Dog

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. "

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved, And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat . . .didn't give a shit one way or the other…….
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Old 03-26-2018, 11:24 PM   #1282
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My cats approve.
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Old 03-27-2018, 11:08 AM   #1283
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Mine got board after the first couple of paragraphs and went to sleep.


My admiral asked Alexa how many hours a day a cat sleeps. Alexa's answer: 18


I think that may be on the low side.
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Old 03-29-2018, 07:01 PM   #1284
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In my psychology 101 there was a discussion of cats sleeping. One of the students said that didn't apply to her cat because she seldom saw her sleeping. The professor said that your cat is obviously sleeping some where else.

In the same course we had a nurse completing some requirements for her 4 year degree. She was about 30ish and married. We were discussing the male sex drive. The professor said that the male sex drive peaked around age 22 then started declining. The married nurse raised her hand to ask a question. She asked what if the sex drive in the male doesn't decline after age 22. The professor said then madam I guess you have a stud on your hands. She then realized what she had done, and her face turned beet red.

That professor didn't let much get by him.
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Old 04-12-2018, 05:17 PM   #1285
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:21 PM   #1286
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Truth!


"Before the internet, everyone was as batshit as now but thought most other ppl *weren't* batshit, so most acted as non-batshit as they could. Once we could all see how batshit everyone else was, we gave up the old charade & now aspire to maximum batshittery."
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:59 PM   #1287
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Old 05-05-2018, 07:09 AM   #1288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RT Firefly View Post
Your true nature [reverse] revealed!!?? LOL

Wanna changed your avatar? Can't think of two who are more alike than GM and Drac... although each sits on opposite ends of the scale - I think!
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Old 05-07-2018, 07:04 PM   #1289
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At a local restaurant recently, I noticed all the servers had a spoon in their top pocket. I asked our waiter. He said they had the time and motion experts in, they found the most dropped cutlery item was a spoon,and it saved the time specially going to the kitchen and then back to the diner to provide a hygienic clean spoon.
Then I noticed the male servers all had a string hanging from their fly,and asked about that."It`s tied to my penis, the experts found we could save time by lifting it out, not touching ourselves, not having to wash our hands during a toilet visit". Puzzled, I said" I get that, but how do you put it back in your pants without touching yourself?" Said the waiter:" Can`t speak for others, but I use the spoon"
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Old 05-08-2018, 05:11 AM   #1290
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My dog has a problem


Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, "My dog has a problem."

The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."

"First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk towards the door, then turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"








The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,’ not Kvetch."


















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Old 05-13-2018, 05:44 PM   #1291
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A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust…”
OH no!!! you didn't did you?
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Old 05-13-2018, 06:00 PM   #1292
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OK SO........

A man picks up a lamp and rubs it to wipe it clean and yes you guessed it a genie pops out and says

I grant you 2 wishes

the guy says 2 wishes I thought I got three

Genie says oh that is in fairy tales

the guys says well I want a billion dollars for my first

BAM the Genie places a Billion dollars at his feet and then says now what will be your 2nd wish

The guy says I have really want to go to Hawaii but I afraid of boats and of planes can you build me a bridge to Hawaii

The Genie says do you know how hard that would be? some of the pillings would have to be over a mile deep and just a few hundred feet apart. do you have any other requests?

the guy says well yes!!! I have always wanted to fully understand women so can you help me to always fully understand women?

The Genie says ...... So do you want that bridge 2 lane or 4 lane ?
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Old 05-15-2018, 11:48 AM   #1293
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Old 06-09-2018, 12:07 PM   #1294
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Stopping the Hawaiian volcano:

The subject of stopping the Hawaiian volcano has come up.

According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the quickest way to APPEASE PELE and have the volcanic fires stop is to make a human sacrifice into her fires, and according to tradition, that needs to be a celebrated leader who was born in Hawaii and held a position of power for 8 years.

Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the Birth Certificate to prove it.
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Old 06-24-2018, 09:37 AM   #1295
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That'll buff right out.



https://youtu.be/50PSNhLWMVs
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Old 07-08-2018, 08:14 PM   #1296
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Old 07-08-2018, 08:30 PM   #1297
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Old 07-09-2018, 02:22 PM   #1298
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Old 07-10-2018, 01:04 PM   #1299
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Girl runs into hair salon very excited saying “ only 57 days , only 57 days “!!!!!
Hairstylist , “ what so good about 57days?”
Girl ,“ I just finished my puzzle and it only took 57 days “
Hairstylist, “ that’s not so great “
Girl , “ it is when the box says 2 to 3 years ! “
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Old 07-11-2018, 01:25 PM   #1300
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Nerd alert! Took me a few seconds.
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