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Old 03-13-2018, 06:53 AM   #1261
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A teacher fell asleep in class and little Johnny walked up to him,

Little Johnny: “teacher are you sleeping in class?”

Teacher: “No I am not sleeping in class.”

Little Johnny: “What were you doing sir?”

Teacher: “I was talking to God.”

The next day little Johnny fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.

Teacher: “young man, you are sleeping in my class.”

Little Johnny: “No, not me sir, I am not sleeping.”

Angry teacher: “What were you doing?”

Little Johnny: “I was talking to God.”

Angry teacher: “What did he say?”

Little Johnny: “He said He never spoke to you yesterday.”
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Old 03-15-2018, 06:40 PM   #1262
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One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.

She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.

“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”

And that’s how modern woman was created.
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Old 03-15-2018, 07:14 PM   #1263
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Originally Posted by menzies View Post
One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.

She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.

“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”

And that’s how modern woman was created.
Was it wikileaks that first broke that TS info???
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Old 03-16-2018, 06:25 AM   #1264
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Irish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Ireland were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,'so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said,‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - well ye will be when the tide comes in.'
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Old 03-16-2018, 06:50 AM   #1265
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Originally Posted by menzies View Post
Irish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Ireland were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,'so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said,‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - well ye will be when the tide comes in.'
This is supposed to be humor thread. That is NOT funny! Especially to an Irishman!!
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Old 03-16-2018, 02:49 PM   #1266
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Funny to this Irishman!

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Old 03-16-2018, 03:54 PM   #1267
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This one too!
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Old 03-16-2018, 04:41 PM   #1268
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...and by the way, born and raised in Derry here.
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:57 PM   #1269
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Funny to this person of anglo saxon heritage, even if it puts me as the one on the beach.
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:59 PM   #1270
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To my Irish brethren.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,

'Never mind, I found one.’

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Old 03-17-2018, 02:09 AM   #1271
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Quote:
Originally Posted by menzies View Post
...and by the way, born and raised in Derry here.
I knew it!!! Damn'ed if I didn't suspect- 100% Irish descent here And a happy St.Pat to you, disagreements aside:
Let me contribute a bit here:



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he
ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them..

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
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Old 03-17-2018, 12:18 PM   #1272
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Old 03-17-2018, 12:59 PM   #1273
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Al View Post
I knew it!!! Damn'ed if I didn't suspect- 100% Irish descent here And a happy St.Pat to you, disagreements aside:
Let me contribute a bit here:



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he
ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them..

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
That is funny, Al!

BTW folks... my short post on 1263 was sarcasm... notice the ROFl emoji! Don't take things too seriously!!
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:45 PM   #1274
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That is funny, Al!

BTW folks... my short post on 1263 was sarcasm... notice the ROFl emoji! Don't take things too seriously!!
Never do Art, Life is too short and for myself, shorter.


Text to neighbor
:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:


Hi, Fred Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:55 PM   #1275
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oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

Sharing that one.
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Old 03-17-2018, 10:40 PM   #1276
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oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

Sharing that one.
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Old 03-18-2018, 06:54 AM   #1277
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One more for the Irish:

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his bags "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.



"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... And guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"



"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."



Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.



"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation. She never got your e-mail."
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Old 03-18-2018, 01:07 PM   #1278
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Paddy has had a few too many Guinness and needs to get up from the bar and head for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“Paddy, what’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!

”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“Paddy, you idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:10 AM   #1279
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:32 AM   #1280
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Larry - You hit the nail on the head with that joke!! TY
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