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Old 12-10-2012, 09:50 PM   #101
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Hello, is this the Police Office?

Yes. How can we help you?'

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

Since the Drug Sniff'in canine had a bad cold and was ill, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.

They sneer at Jack and left.. telling him they will be back when the dog gets better.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!' how crazy they blamed me for having marijuana at my place.

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!' Crazy cops

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

Newfies know how to get'er done
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Old 12-11-2012, 05:35 AM   #102
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________________________________

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a rowboat rowing towards
California. The captain gets on the loudspeaker and shouts, "Ahoy,
small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are
invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken
from us by the U.S. during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer is doubled-over in laughter. When the
captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the
loudspeaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,

"No, we're the last four.
The rest are already there!"
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:44 AM   #103
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Especially for one of our retired lawyer friends who likes to post on this section of TF.

By the way my sister, who is a former National Court Reporting Teacher of the Year taught these people to so accurately record all of these intelligent discourses.

Don

Time for a laugh …. You’ll enjoy this!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:27 PM   #104
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Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X - Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T - Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G - banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
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Old 12-24-2012, 03:44 PM   #105
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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
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Old 12-26-2012, 12:25 PM   #106
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Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs
are to see you.










2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
dog's name.










3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the
floor.










4. A dog's parents never
visit.










5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.








6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..










7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.










8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"












9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.










10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.









11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.









And last, but not least:






12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.












To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
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Old 12-26-2012, 05:20 PM   #107
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T'was the night before Christmas, and I swung on the hook With snowflakes a'landing, asleep with my book
When up on the deck I heard footsteps and stuff
"Damn, I've been boarded!" I tried to hang tough.

Then down the companionway hatch came a dude
He was dressed like a nut and I thought, "I'm so screwed."
But he laughed and he hummed as he surveyed my junk
So I figured he must be the resident drunk.

His eyes were lit up like a junkie on speed,
But he gave me a whole bunch of stuff that I need:
Like rum and cigars and new charts and a dinghy,
And some kind of fancy electrical thingy.

I guessed it was stolen but I wasn't telling,
I just hoped he was giving and wasn't just selling,
So I poured him a grog which he downed with a wink
Then I poured one for me (Lord I needed a drink!).

Then he staggered on deck to the dark snowy night,
As I peeked I beheld an incredible sight.
Eight tiny dolphins and a beautiful sleigh.
The dude hopped aboard and prepared to make way.

The dolphins were ready to power the sled
But the dude raised his genoa and mains'l instead.
With a burp and a chuckle he gathered the breeze
And called to the dolphins, now swimming with ease,

"On Spinnaker and Boson and Rudder and Spanker!
On Barnacle and Starboard and Halyard, and Anchor!
Or whatever your names are, you cute little fishes,
Here's to every last sailor, my best Christmas wishes!"

As he sailed away, with a wobbly wake
I hoped he had not many stops left to make.
He got close to shore and soon went aground
But the dolphins proceeded to pull him around.

And I heard him exclaim as he sailed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"

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Old 12-28-2012, 03:37 PM   #108
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Old 12-31-2012, 08:59 PM   #109
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wives dont forget old boyfriends




Wives don't forget old Boyfriends... Boudreaux take his wife, Cloteele, to a dance down on the bayou, las' weekend. They was dis guy on the dance

floor dancin' like crazy – break dancin', moon walkin', back flips--the whole works. Cloteele turn to Boudreaux and say, "See dat guy? Twenty-five

year ago, he propose to me and I turn him down."



Boudreaux paused and say, "Look like he still celebratin'!"
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Old 01-02-2013, 03:05 PM   #110
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:53 PM   #111
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My kinda guy

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the beer at dayeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’tvant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:50 PM   #112
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa

told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:22 PM   #113
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Greetings,
Uh, oh....those pesky commies are at it again...

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Old 01-30-2013, 06:13 AM   #114
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HOW IS NORMA?




A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,

"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes,
the operatorreturned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"


The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh__ ."

TRUE STORY










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Old 01-30-2013, 05:39 PM   #115
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Remembering the good old days
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:11 PM   #116
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Good one.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:26 PM   #117
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Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'ma gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'ma gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!'

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said,'I'ma gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek, got back into their Caddy and drove off.


The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked.

'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.
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Old 01-31-2013, 01:50 AM   #118
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

Bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him

In the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man... in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:26 PM   #119
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence’.
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Old 02-02-2013, 09:23 AM   #120
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~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came
home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup
of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and
sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa,
and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place he can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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