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Old 08-09-2017, 01:03 PM   #1161
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Irishmen much rather doing it on the pub's pool table... than at Starbucks!


And, in the pub... a gals embarrassment factor goes way down! Matter O' Fact... can become quite the bostful story - as memory serves me!!
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Old 08-09-2017, 09:34 PM   #1162
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A
> Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
> congregation that will
> pay him more.
>
> There is
> a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to
> leave.
>
> Joe
> Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands
> up and Proclaims,.
> "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
> Cadillac every year, and
> his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
> children!"
>
> The
> congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
>
> Sam
> Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and
> says, "If the Preacher
> will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary,
> and also establish a
> foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
> children!"
>
> More
> sighs and loud applause.
>
> Sadie
> Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If
> the Preacher stays, ..I
> will give him sex!"
>
> There is
> total silence.
>
>
>
> The
> Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever
> possessed you to say
> that?"
>
> Sadie's
> 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
> forehead with the
> palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side,
> while his wife
> replies, "Well , I just asked my husband how we could
> help, and he
> said,...'Screw him'!"
>
> Isn't
> senility wonderful?
>
>
>
> Lord,
> keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
> mouth.
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Old 08-12-2017, 12:31 PM   #1163
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With apologies to our Kiwi members:

The only cow in a small town in Queensland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a real good cow in NZ quite cheaply.
As you are aware, NZ has a fantastic dairy industry. Their cows are the best.

They brought the cow from NZ and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was

very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in NZ ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow all the way from NZ ...

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from NZ ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from NZ "
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Old 08-12-2017, 02:43 PM   #1164
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me I just love it."


With my eyes now wide with interest I responded, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?”
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Old 08-13-2017, 08:25 AM   #1165
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Would you call your boat any of these?

Seas The Day
Feeling Nauti
Usain Boat
Nautiboy
Unsinkable II
Aboat Time
To Sea or Knot To Sea
Costaplenty
Beeracuda
Passing Wind
She’ll Get Over It
Hydro Therapy
Bow Movement
The Codfather
Pier Pressure
Aquaholic
Moor Often Than Knot
Marlin Monroe
Bow Derek
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Old 08-13-2017, 08:42 AM   #1166
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Would you call your boat any of these?
No, but if I ever get another fast boat, I might name it:

Blew Bye U

Ted
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Old 08-13-2017, 09:24 AM   #1167
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[QUOTE=Al;581678]Always to accommodate

IRISH VIAGRA


Thanks Al

Cheers Mate.

H.
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Old 08-13-2017, 09:27 AM   #1168
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[QUOTE=Art;581704]Irishmen much rather doing it on the pub's pool table... than at Starbucks!


Art me Irish Bro.

Now tell the truth Mate. Us Irishmen will do it anywhere as long as we have a drink in our hand!

Cheers

H.
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:55 AM   #1169
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[QUOTE=hfoster;582731]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Art View Post
Irishmen much rather doing it on the pub's pool table... than at Starbucks!


Art me Irish Bro.

Now tell the truth Mate. Us Irishmen will do it anywhere as long as we have a drink in our hand!

Cheers

H.
Very Correct!!!!
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Old 08-13-2017, 11:46 AM   #1170
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A young Catholic novitiate is assigned to a church in a small town in County Cork.
After a few days, the old priest sees him looking sad.
"My son", says the priest, "why are you seemin' to be so unhappy?"

"Well, Father", he says, "when I arrived to this parish, all I had to me name was me bicycle, and now someone has stolen it!"

"I see", says the priest. "Well then on Sunday I want you to give the homily at Mass. Speak on the Ten Commamdments, an' when you get to Thou Shalt not Steal, you stop and look at the congregation. The one who's starin' down at his shoes...that'll be the man who did it, for he'll be feelin' guilty!"

"Alright...I'll try it Father.", says the young man.

After Sunday Mass, the old priest stops the boy and says, "Well son, how did it go? Did you identify the thief then?"

The boy says, "Well, to tell you the truth Father, when I got to Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike!"
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Old 08-13-2017, 12:10 PM   #1171
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Originally Posted by CDreamer View Post
A young Catholic novitiate is assigned to a church in a small town in County Cork.
After a few days, the old priest sees him looking sad.
"My son", says the priest, "why are you seemin' to be so unhappy?"

"Well, Father", he says, "when I arrived to this parish, all I had to me name was me bicycle, and now someone has stolen it!"

"I see", says the priest. "Well then on Sunday I want you to give the homily at Mass. Speak on the Ten Commamdments, an' when you get to Thou Shalt not Steal, you stop and look at the congregation. The one who's starin' down at his shoes...that'll be the man who did it, for he'll be feelin' guilty!"

"Alright...I'll try it Father.", says the young man.

After Sunday Mass, the old priest stops the boy and says, "Well son, how did it go? Did you identify the thief then?"

The boy says, "Well, to tell you the truth Father, when I got to Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike!"

Cdreamer,


That one would make David Tynan O'Mahony (AKA David Allen at large) proud!

Cheers Mate.

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Old 08-13-2017, 12:25 PM   #1172
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Speaking of the great Irish comedian David Allen, here is just a few of his jokes.




Cheers

H.
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:12 PM   #1173
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How many of we boaters does this represent?-AL


A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says. "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"


The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One."

The boss say’s "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65 ?! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!'"
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:26 PM   #1174
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Al! Where do you dig this stuff up?
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:44 PM   #1175
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Why do cheerleaders wear short skirts?
.
.
.
.
To make the boys root harder.
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:50 PM   #1176
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That's fun money spent by a couple not liking to participate in "Red Wings"... when necessary.
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:53 PM   #1177
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Why do cheerleaders wear short skirts?
.
.
.
.
To make the boys root harder.
Hi Jeff - Not seen you for some time. Been camp/boating all over! - Art
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Old 08-19-2017, 06:15 PM   #1178
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Hi Jeff - Not seen you for some time. Been camp/boating all over! - Art
I don't hang out here much anymore since I'm just an ancient bottom feeding houseboater.

We have been camping - bought a 16' guest proof travel trailer.
One More Time Around: Wolf Pup - Cross Country 2017

And helping other folks get out on the water.
One More Time Around: Land and Sea Rescue



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Old 08-19-2017, 08:05 PM   #1179
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Al! Where do you dig this stuff up?
Just come a-drifting along and I snag one or two:

ATTENTION: Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or the $100 bills. They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly! DO NOT just throw them away. They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so. Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address. We must get these out of circulation immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.



PS - Loose change not accepted.
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Old 08-19-2017, 09:45 PM   #1180
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Hey Jeff - I can dig your and Suzy and Merlin's life style. Do it while you can! don't forget to keep posting your adventures!
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