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Old 09-13-2016, 09:45 PM   #1041
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USS Enterprise

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Old 09-18-2016, 05:48 PM   #1042
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The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. So, I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use -- I'll see you back in court Monday.”

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

"I used a simple diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your butthole before prison......"
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Old 09-18-2016, 07:13 PM   #1043
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CPseudonym View Post
USS Enterprise

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
An oldie but a goldie. The original involved a Scottish lighthouse I seem to remember, on audio tape.
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Old 09-18-2016, 07:16 PM   #1044
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Here it is I think(provided the upload works)This one appears to be a Spanish lighthouse.

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Old 09-18-2016, 07:27 PM   #1045
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▶ 1:15 This one is fun. BTW, I have now cracked 1400 posts, happy post day to me.....


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Old 09-23-2016, 09:21 AM   #1046
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Blonde Jokes:

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.

EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."


Ted
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Old 09-23-2016, 10:01 AM   #1047
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Greetings,
Hah! Dumb blonde jokes. So what do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever...

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Old 09-23-2016, 09:53 PM   #1048
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Greetings,
Hah! Dumb blonde jokes. So what do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever...

Well, RT. Now I know you're blond. That's not a Golden Retriever!
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Old 09-23-2016, 11:35 PM   #1049
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Continuing the theme...
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Old 10-01-2016, 09:01 AM   #1050
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"You will never be good at something in the beginning."



"Everybody knows something you don't, so treat them like it."



"Don't practice until you do it right ‚€” practice until you can't do it wrong."



"If you live like you're rich when you're not rich, you'll never be rich. But if you live like you're poor when you aren't poor, you'll never be poor."



"When the game is over the king and the pawn go in the same box."¬



"We take the time to treat sprained ankles. It's the same way with minds."



"The Master has failed more times than the beginner has ever tried."



"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."¬



"The quieter you become the more you can hear."


"The only person to never make a mistake, is the one who never tried anything."


"Don't worry about what you look like. Nobody cares; they're too busy worrying about what they look like."



"It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done."¬



"Those who anger you, control you."


"Love isn't how you feel about someone else. It's about how they make you feel about yourself."



"Surround yourself with people who inspire you."



" Don't hold on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it"




"Someday, someone you love is going to die. Then you'll realize that none of this matters."
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Old 10-02-2016, 07:53 AM   #1051
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Old 10-03-2016, 08:48 AM   #1052
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Perfect - And Soooo True!!
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Old 10-06-2016, 08:26 PM   #1053
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Political Correctness

Considering the recent man/woman spat, this is an equal sex offender:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
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Old 10-08-2016, 09:26 AM   #1054
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Medicare Part G

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Ted
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I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
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Old 10-08-2016, 09:46 AM   #1055
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Originally Posted by O C Diver View Post
Medicare Part G

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Thatís great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they canít afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Ted
Ted - Long as the weight lifting room is still available, sounds like a good plan for full retirement. I'm in, but not till I reach at least 110! LOL
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Old 10-11-2016, 11:01 AM   #1056
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ďPuns are the highest form of literature.Ē - Alfred Hitchcock

Actually, nothing to do with Hitchcock, but I couldn't resist passing these along . . . .

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typ-o.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on
me.

When chemists die, they barium.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:06 PM   #1057
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Old 10-20-2016, 06:59 AM   #1058
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No more OTDE? HMMM. OK then-----------Two Jews sitting in a Mexican restarant and one says to the other, I wonder if there are any Mexican Jews? The first guy says why dont we ask the Mexican waiter, so they do,the waiter says ill go check. He comes back and says no Senors, no Mexican Jews, The guys are flabargasted, Our people are everywhere, are you sure there are no Mexican Jews? The waiter says Ill go ask the manager. The waiter comes back and says, no Senors, we have only orange Jews, pineapple Jews and grape Jews
That was really funny
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Old 11-19-2016, 10:18 AM   #1059
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Mayberry

Just sayin' ...
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Old 11-19-2016, 10:20 AM   #1060
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Dalai Lama

The world might be a more agreeable place, if only ...
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