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Old 03-15-2016, 11:38 PM   #981
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Man checks into a small hotel/B&B in Ireland. It`s one of those places where the hot water is turned on only irregularly. The place also did dinner.
At dinner that night, the man was concerned by the cleanliness of the plates. Asked about them, the proprietor responded "They are as clean as cold water can get them"
Next morning at breakfast the plates looked no cleaner. Again the man asked if the plates were clean, and the proprietor gave the same dour reply "They are as clean as cold water can get them".
After breakfast the man checked out. As he tried to get into his car a snarling Irish wolfhound attacked him. He called to the proprietor "Can you call your dog off? The proprietor responded immediately, calling out "Cold Water! Stop that, and come here!"
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Old 03-16-2016, 04:34 PM   #982
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Took me a minute

No comments at all? Too obscure or too lame?
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Old 03-16-2016, 05:05 PM   #983
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Thunderbolt and Lightning...

Bohemian Rhapsody

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Old 03-17-2016, 08:20 AM   #984
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Thunderbolt and Lightning...

Bohemian Rhapsody
Took me a minute to get it, and forever to get that stupid tune out of my head!
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Old 03-21-2016, 08:18 AM   #985
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Prostate Exam......more good news


After my recent Prostate Exam at a local General Hospital,
which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had,
the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....


She said...."Who Was That guy?"
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:13 AM   #986
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:49 PM   #987
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Merle Hagard
1937 - 2016


Rest in peace.


I liked his voice...... and he liked Willie Nelsons pot an awful lot.
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Old 04-07-2016, 11:20 PM   #988
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Old 04-10-2016, 02:58 PM   #989
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In a nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror onthe ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'mcircumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver'slicense photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But, it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm alsodisabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It'simpossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."

"It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican
boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!


Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'mbald!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, "Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hangout,
take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing.

Get a job you lazy sh!t... Anyjob."
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!


I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black,Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIVpositive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.


That's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go tothe window to look out. I see I live ina shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is
trash everywhere.


Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drugaddict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, andhaving a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me,

"Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided whoyou are going to vote for in the Primary?

Will it be Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders ???"

Say it isn't so!!!

I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewishqueer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, living in a slum, with a Mexican boyfriend, but please,oh dear God, please don't tell me....


I'm a Democrat

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Old 04-11-2016, 10:04 AM   #990
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A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade. Visible, permanent injury was that both ears were gone.

Since his hearing stayed sufficient, he remained in the Army.

He rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General also threw him out.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to
know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said: 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!'
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:27 PM   #991
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I'll just leave this right here...

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Old 04-11-2016, 10:15 PM   #992
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Bernie Sanders is sitting drinking a beer. He says I don't drink beer often, but when I do, it is somebody else's!
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Old 04-11-2016, 11:51 PM   #993
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A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clichť for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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Old 04-13-2016, 07:34 AM   #994
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Why Teachers Drink





The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)







Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wth?)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)








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Old 04-21-2016, 06:44 AM   #995
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Subject: Blonde marries rancher




¬

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.



¬ One morning, on his way out¬ to check on the cows, the

Rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming

Over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail

Into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

¬

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial

Insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
Row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."


The man, assuming he is¬ dealing with an air head blond,

Asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would

YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,"
She explains very confidently.

¬ Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
Nail for?"


The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her

Shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while!
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Old 04-22-2016, 12:48 PM   #996
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¬
"everything has changed except our thinking"¬ Albert Einstein




¬

Subject:
Toilet signs
¬




¬
20 Of The Most Creative Bathroom Signs Ever
Toilets get a pretty bum deal (no pun intended). They're one of mankind's most useful inventions yet rarely do we show them any gratitude. But Thomas Crapper (the Godfather of the modern toilet. Seriously.) will be happy to know that some people put a lot of effort into their toilets (stop laughing). Take a look at these creative toilet signs for example. Sure they could have used boring "Men" and "Women" signs, but the masterminds behind these clever creations have decided that toilets deserve better than that. Only problem is, some of them are so creative that you might struggle to understand them once you've had a beer or seven.

So, be truthful, how many of you would end up in the wrong room on some of these???
¬

#1 Love This Text At The Toilet Of Brouwersdam



#2 Love These




#3 Iq Test




#4 These Restrooms




#5 Rain Bathroom Signs




#6 Couldn‚€™t Care Less



source¬ report

#7 Bathroom Signs




#8 Unisex Bathroom Signs




#9 The Best Bathroom Signs Ever




#10 This Single Occupancy Restroom Sign




#11 Creative Bathroom Sign




#12 Most Accurate Toilet Door Sign Ever




#13 It's All About The Seat




#14 Follow These Advices!




#15¬ How Will You Get That Used Beer Out Of Your System?




#16¬ Our New Bathroom Signs At The Pinball Wizard Arcade




#17 The Bathrooms Signs At The Googleplex




#18 Perfect For A Breakfast Bar




#19 Found This In Pittsburgh




#20¬ By Far The Most Confusing Bathroom Signs I Have Ever Seen. The Men's Is Actually On The Left












¬







¬






¬

¬
¬










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Old 04-22-2016, 02:32 PM   #997
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Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.




Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


























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Old 04-23-2016, 02:41 PM   #998
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I think I found my new signature line
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Old 04-26-2016, 10:19 AM   #999
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To help save the economy, the Government will announce next


month that the Immigration Department will start


deporting senior citizens (instead of illegals) in order to lower


pensions and healthcare costs (flu jabs, walkers,


wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)

The Government has established that older people are easier to


catch and, in most cases, will not remember how



to get back home.




I started to cry when I thought of you - maybe I'd never see


you again . . . . ..


Then it dawned on me . . .


I'll see you on the bus!
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Old 04-26-2016, 10:24 AM   #1000
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Old guy....

Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg!
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