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Old 11-17-2012, 12:30 PM   #81
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I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?



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Old 11-19-2012, 08:15 AM   #82
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Greetings,
Yup, I do have a Redbone

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Old 11-19-2012, 10:14 AM   #83
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Quote:
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Greetings,
Yup, I do have a Redbone

Seems to cover a lot of breeds. Some just are not big enough to enforce the rules.
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Old 11-19-2012, 10:46 AM   #84
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Greetings,
Mr. JD. Well, I suspect the "other" breeds are acting on dumb instinct. The Redbone KNOWS!!!!!!

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Old 11-19-2012, 11:29 AM   #85
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Quote:
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Greetings,
Mr. JD. Well, I suspect the "other" breeds are acting on dumb instinct. The Redbone KNOWS!!!!!!

Nice looking dog. In good weight and seems to be fairly muscular. Good coat.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:27 AM   #86
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BREEDS?

I thought this was a chant of Obummer voters!
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:04 AM   #87
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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'


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Old 11-22-2012, 07:41 AM   #88
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Good ones FF - where do you dig them all up from..?
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:14 AM   #89
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where do you dig them all up from..?

Email from friends,
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:12 AM   #90
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Why women are different from men and vice versa

Amanda Gore

Why woman are different from men and vice versa By Amanda Gore - YouTube
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Old 11-26-2012, 10:49 AM   #91
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you don't know how much I needed those laughs -- Al-Gebra .. a nasty bunch led by Cal Cu Lus .............
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Old 11-28-2012, 10:31 AM   #92
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Isent this to you because I know you're interested in finance.


TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED FRIENDS:


The Question of the Day is....
Will the Dollar fall or not?
Always Remember,

The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass

"THIS MESSAGE IS SENT OUT OF FRIENDSHIP"
AND CONCERN FOR YOUR FINANCIAL WELL BEING.
Money cannot buy happiness,but somehow.............
It's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

Forgive your "Enemy" but remember the "Bastard's" name
.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

And last but not least......
Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then again, neither does milk.

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Old 11-28-2012, 10:43 AM   #93
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Have seen some of these, but this is really a funny list.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while
praying for a fish. Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage
. Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical. Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. Steve Martin

Home cooking
: Where many a man thinks his wife is.Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat
? Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
. Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Robert Benchley

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Old 12-01-2012, 09:21 AM   #94
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This is all wrong! Duct tape, not electrical tape! PB Blaster and a BFH, not WD 40! And that brand of beer.....! I dunno about those Blowboaters!
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Old 12-01-2012, 12:55 PM   #95
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The first thing a rag-bagger thinks when he sees something for the first time is "I wonder if I can eat that?".

In my life as a 3 year liveaboard rag-bagger, on my level anyway, the reason for the blow boat was to spend as little money as possible. You guys talk about slip/moorage costs - a rag-bagger leaves his boat anchored. You talk about haul outs - a rag-bagger careens his boat. You talk about GPS, computers with expensive nav programs, Spot, radar, sideband, liferafts - we used a cheap transister radio as an RDF had a compass and depth sounder. Aux power was a very simple hand start single cyl 10 hp diesel. No running wqter, let alone refrigeration and a single car battery to keep the anchor light on at night. No LED's back then so I used a 32volt bulb in the masthead 360 to minimize current. A fellow boater said the bulb was so dim you had to climp the mast and strike a match to see it it was working.

Anyway, stinkpotting, even as we do it, is significantly more expensive than sailing was - our total expenses while living aboard the 27' sailboat were less than $200/month which was easy enough to save while we stayed anchored in relative safety and worked during hurricane season.
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Old 12-01-2012, 06:31 PM   #96
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A Christmas Story

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."


He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye!
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:22 AM   #97
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Greetings,
Three friends from (insert race/ethnicity of choice) are at a job interview. First fellow goes into personnel office. Interviewer asks the following three questions:
"Who is the President of the United States?"
Answer: Obama
"How many states are there in the union?"
Answer: 50
"What is is the color of the flag?"
Answer: Red, white and blue.
"Fine, you're hired....

First fellow goes out into waiting room and tells other two the questions and answers. "Gosh" says the second fellow, "I'll NEVER remember all that." First fellow says "Just write the answers on the inside band of your underwear and make like you're scratching your stomach and read the answers".

Second fellow does just that and is hired.

Third fellow laments "I'm not wearing any underwear!" Second fellow responds..."No problem. I've already got the answers written down and you can borrow MY underwear". With this accomplished, third fellow goes in for the interview.

"Who is the President of the United States?"
Answer: Haynes
"How many states are in the union?"
Answer: 34
"What is the color of the flag?"
Answer: White with a brown spot...
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:30 PM   #98
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A labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union rep. The union rep once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
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Old 12-08-2012, 10:00 PM   #99
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A grump old Newfie with a slightly deaf wife phones his son in Juno Alaska and tells him he is fed up with his Mother and after 45yrs he as had enough and will be separating on Christmas Day. He told him he can phone his two sisters and tell them the same if he wants. The son was outraged and told the old man to stop while he was ahead and that he was flying home to see what was wrong with him.

Wasn't too long and the second oldest phoned from Edmonton Alberta and then another call from the daughter who was living in Bellingham Seattle. Both said the same thing warning the old man to not do anything and that they were on their way back to Newfoundland and will talk this over as a family and said how ridiculous he was to do that to their mom after 45yrs.

The old man sat down next to his misses and she ask, who rang. The old man speaking slight louder than normal said it was Ann and Mary, that they said that both of them and Bobby were coming home for Christmas and this time we don't have to help them with the tickets so get the Turkey ready it's going to be a great Christmas. She spoke up and said to the old man, it's so nice our children still loves to come home. He agreed and both went to bed loving each other as they did for 45yrs.

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Old 12-10-2012, 01:20 PM   #100
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As we progress into the last part of 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.



I can no longer open a bathroom door
without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks
for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar
because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an

e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy
fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap
in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice
I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this email to at least 144 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!






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