Humor

The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
Husband and wife are playing golf on a busy Saturday. On the 15th green the wife suddenly collapses complaining of severe chest pain. Hubby gets right on the phone to seek emergency help,the call takes quite some time, then gets his putter and starts addressing the ball. The wife raises her head with difficulty and asks what`s happening.

Husband replies,"All good, they found a cardiologist, he`s on his way". The wife asks" How long will he be, I`m dying here". Husband replies" Not long, he`s right here already, on the second hole, everyone has agreed to let him play through".
 
Classic New Yorker cartoon. Two guys standing in the green, putters, balls, etc. They are staring off toward a city skyline topped by the iconic thermonuclear mushroom cloud.

One says, "shockwave won't be here for another forty seconds. Go ahead and putt out. "
 
Classic New Yorker cartoon. Two guys standing in the green, putters, balls, etc. They are staring off toward a city skyline topped by the iconic thermonuclear mushroom cloud.

One says, "shockwave won't be here for another forty seconds. Go ahead and putt out. "

Along the same lines:

Two old guys in a boat fishing see the mushroom clouds. One asks what that means. The other says creel limits no longer apply.

Ted
 
With my Coast Guard Captains Licence Course I got a glossary of nautical terms which also included the Irreverent Glossary of Sailing Terms. I'll lay a couple on you:

Afterguy - Last guy out of the bar.
Clew - An indication from the skipper as to what he may do next.
Deadrise - Getting up to check the anchor at 0300.
Displacement - When you dock your boat and can't find it later
Gybe-Set - A great way to end up on Port Tack right in front of the whole fleet approaching the mark on Starboard Tack
Inside Overlap - The part of a race that resembles a political debate.
Heave-Ho - What you do when you've eaten too much ho.
Lazy Guy - Most yacht racers when they are not racing
Luff - The front part of a sail that everyone but the helmsman seems to pay attention to. (Also see telltales)
Luff Up - Something racers do to each other to catch the back of the fleet.
Round Up - The easiest way to get the oncoming watch on deck
Rhumbline - Three or more sailors waiting for a beverage
Spinnaker - An extremely large, lightweight, balloon shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.
 
  * If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".Â

(It does fall on a Tuesday in 2022)-
 
In French, they DO call it Doble Ve!! Not sure its spelled that way I only know how to say it. But translated to English it is "Double Vee"
 
Couple in their nineties  are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember  .. Â









Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. Â

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' Â

'Sure.' Â

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. Â

'No, I can remember it.' Â

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' Â

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' Â

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Â

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Â

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.









Â


'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple  had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. Â
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.' Â
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' Â
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' Â
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Â


Hospital regulations  require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. Â
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Â




A senior citizen  said to his eighty-year old buddy: Â
'So I hear you're getting married?' Â
'Yep!' Â
'Do I know her?' Â
'Nope!' Â
'This woman, is she good looking?' Â
'Not really.' Â
'Is she a good cook?' Â
'Nah, she can't cook too well.' Â
'Does she have lots of money?' Â
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' Â
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' Â
'I don't know.'


’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’


'Because she can still drive!' Â


A man  was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' Â
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' Â
'Twelve thirty.' Â


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. Â
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. Â
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Â
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' Â






A little old man  shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' Â
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
Last edited by a moderator:
You can retire to Ariz where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


-OR-

You can retire to California where.
.
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


OR


You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression


-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole .
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.


OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1 You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"


-OR-

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 
Last edited:
An older couple who owned a dairy farm for years decides to sell out and retire. A month later they take a vacation and stay in a really nice hotel. The wife notices that the hotel offers a luxury milk bath. She gets excited and tells he husband "you know I've been looking at those milk vats for years and I always wondered what one of those milk baths would be like".
Husband says "Well I'll just call down to the front desk and order one for you. Lord knows you deserve it after all those hard years on the farm" So he calls down to the front desk "hey I would like to order one of those real fancy milk baths for my wife " the front desk says " ok we'll get that right up. Do you want that pasteurized?" The husband says "No just fill it past her ass, she can splash it up in her eyes "
 
An older couple who owned a dairy farm for years decides to sell out and retire. A month later they take a vacation and stay in a really nice hotel. The wife notices that the hotel offers a luxury milk bath. She gets excited and tells he husband "you know I've been looking at those milk vats for years and I always wondered what one of those milk baths would be like".
Husband says "Well I'll just call down to the front desk and order one for you. Lord knows you deserve it after all those hard years on the farm" So he calls down to the front desk "hey I would like to order one of those real fancy milk baths for my wife " the front desk says " ok we'll get that right up. Do you want that pasteurized?" The husband says "No just fill it past her ass, she can splash it up in her eyes "

The alternative blond joke punch line is "Pasteurized?" "No, just up to my tits."
 
What's the fastest thing on Earth?

Milk.

It's past your eyes before you see it!
 
55881659_2582118201862390_7927491682512142336_n.jpg





Maybe not so funny...
 
Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

:lol: :lol:
 
[FONT=&quot]After being married for 55 years this month, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.

But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed, and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 78-year-old woman. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]So I said to my wife, "It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Aren't older women great?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.[/FONT]



 
Last edited:
My daughter bought me this shirt.:hide:
 

Attachments

  • 35DA6885-3A7A-4D9C-B99F-3DA6EB30B011.jpg
    35DA6885-3A7A-4D9C-B99F-3DA6EB30B011.jpg
    116.3 KB · Views: 103
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
Why does beer get to your bladder faster than milk?


Beer doesn't have to stop and change colors.
 




"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can
tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create
the best original lexophile.


This year's submissions.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.





 
As above:

This is the tale of Mickey McGuire
Who ran through the streets with his pants on fire
When he got to the doctors he fainted with fright
When the doctor told him his end was in sight.
 
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys
Don't think this story is true
Ask the blind man, he saw it to.

Ted
 
Last edited:
Interesting facts
1. The first webcam watched a coffee pot. It allowed researchers at Cambridge to monitor the coffee situation without leaving their desks.
2. Between 1912 and 1948, art competitions were a part of the Olympics. Medals were awarded for architecture, music, painting, and sculpture.
3. The entire state of Wyoming only has two escalators.
4. The ampersand symbol is formed from the letters in et—the Latin word for "and."
5. Ravens in captivity can learn to talk better than parrots.
6. The actor who was inside R2-D2 hated the guy who played C-3PO, calling him "the rudest man I've ever met."
7. It's a myth that no two snowflakes are exactly the same. In 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals. They came from a storm in Wisconsin.
8. When Disneyland opened in 1955, "Tomorrowland" was designed to look like a year in the distant future: 1986.
9. Before George W. Bush took office, some Clinton staffers canvassed the White House offices and removed the W key from over 60 keyboards.
10. When the last official Blockbuster Video closed in November 2013, the final rental was the apocalyptic comedy This Is the End.
11. The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
12. The collective noun for a group of pugs is a grumble.
13. In 1939, Hitler's nephew wrote an article called "Why I Hate My Uncle." He came to the U.S., served in the Navy, and settled on Long Island.
14. According to an analysis by FiveThirtyEight, 44 percent of Bob Ross's paintings contain at least one "happy little cloud."
15. On an April day in 1930, the BBC reported, "There is no news." Instead they played piano music.
16. Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue" was penned by beloved children's author Shel Silverstein.
17. Ben & Jerry learned how to make ice cream by taking a $5 correspondence course offered by Penn State. (They decided to split one course.)
18. The word "PEZ" comes from the German word for peppermint—PfeffErminZ.
19. In the 1970s, Mattel sold a doll called "Growing Up Skipper." Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.
20. Before Sally Ride became the first American woman in space, a reporter asked, "Do you weep when things go wrong on the job?"
21. In the 1980s, Pablo Escobar's Medellin Cartel was spending $2,500 a month on rubber bands just to hold all their cash.
22. The inventor of the AK-47 has said he wishes he'd invented something to help farmers instead — "for example a lawnmower."
23. The Vatican Bank is the world's only bank that allows ATM users to perform transactions in Latin.
24. The duffel bag gets its name from the town of Duffel, Belgium, where the cloth used in the bags was originally sold.
25. James Avery ("Uncle Phil" on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) was the voice of Shredder on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.
26. At Fatburger, you can order a "Hypocrite"—a veggie burger topped with crispy strips of bacon.
27. When asked who owned the patent on the polio vaccine, Jonas Salk said, "Well, the people. There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?"
28. The Q in Q-tips stands for quality.
29. Editor Bennett Cerf challenged Dr. Seuss to write a book using no more than 50 different words. The result? Green Eggs and Ham.
30. The act of stretching and yawning is called pandiculation.
31. Sea cucumbers eat with their feet.
32. A murder suspect was convicted after the broken-off leg of a grasshopper in his pants cuff turned out to be a perfect match for an insect found near the victim's body.
33. After an online vote in 2011, Toyota announced that the official plural of Prius was Prii.
34. In his book, Dick Cheney says his yellow lab Dave was banned from Camp David for attacking President Bush's dog Barney.
35. Lyme disease is named after the town of Lyme, Connecticut, where several cases were identified in 1975.
reno-los-angeles-west.jpg

36. Reno is farther west than Los Angeles.
37. William Faulkner refused a dinner invitation from JFK's White House. "Why that’s a hundred miles away," he said. "That’s a long way to go just to eat."
38. In 1907, an ad campaign for Kellogg's Corn Flakes offered a free box of cereal to any woman who would wink at her grocer.
39. Why did the FBI call Ted Kaczynski "The Unabomber"? Because his early mail bombs were sent to universities (UN) & airlines (A).
40. Obsessive nose picking is called rhinotillexomania.
41. "Silver Bells" was called "Tinkle Bells" until co-composer Jay Livingston’s wife told him "tinkle" had another meaning.
42. Michael Jackson's 1988 autobiography Moonwalk was edited by Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
43. How did Curious George get to America? He was captured in Africa by The Man With the Yellow Hat — with his yellow hat.
44. In the early stage version of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy’s faithful companion Toto was replaced by a cow named Imogene.
45. Tobias Fünke's "nevernude" condition on Arrested Development is real. It's called "gymnophobia" — the fear of nude bodies.
46. Hawaiian Punch was originally developed as a tropical flavored ice cream topping.
sid-toy-story-3.jpg

47. Andy's evil neighbor Sid from Toy Story returns briefly as the garbage man in Toy Story 3.
48. Jacuzzi is a brand name. You can also buy Jacuzzi toilets and mattresses.
49. During a 2004 episode of Sesame Street, Cookie Monster said that before he started eating cookies, his name was Sid.
50. Roger Ebert and Oprah Winfrey went on a couple dates in the mid-1980s. It was Roger who convinced her to syndicate her talk show.
51. Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.
52. When he appeared on Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, Bill Clinton correctly answered three questions about My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.
53. The archerfish knocks its insect prey out of over-hanging branches with a stream of spit.
54. There really was a Captain Morgan. He was a Welsh pirate who later became the lieutenant governor of Jamaica.
55. In 1961, Martha Stewart was selected as one of Glamour magazine;s "Ten Best-Dressed College Girls."
56. At the 1905 wedding of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, President Teddy Roosevelt gave away the bride.
57. Sorry, parents. According to NASA's FAQ page, "There are no plans at this time to send children into space."
58. God and Jesus are the only characters on The Simpsons with a full set of fingers and toes.
59. The sum of all the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666.
Sedona_McDonalds_Turquoise_Arches.jpg

60. Only one McDonald's in the world has turquoise arches. Government officials in Sedona, Arizona, thought the yellow would look bad with the natural red rock of the city.
61. Brenda Lee was only 13 when she recorded "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."
62. Dolly Parton once entered a Dolly Parton look-a-like contest—and lost.
63. During the Coolidge presidency, the First Family had a pet raccoon named Rebecca who liked to play in the White House bathtub.
64. After OutKast sang "Shake it like a Polaroid picture," Polaroid released this statement: "Shaking or waving can actually damage the image."
65. In Peanuts in 1968, Snoopy trained to become a champion arm-wrestler. In the end, he was disqualified for not having thumbs.
66. In France, the Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman movie No Strings Attached was called Sex Friends.
67. The famous "Heisman pose" is based on Ed Smith, a former NYU running back who modeled for the trophy’s sculptor in 1934.
68. For $45, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing will sell you a 5-lb bag with $10,000 worth of shredded U.S. currency.
69. Before going with Blue Devils, Duke considered the nicknames Blue Eagles, Royal Blazes, Blue Warriors and Polar Bears.
70. At an NOAA conference in 1972, Roxcy Bolton proposed naming hurricanes after Senators instead of women. She also preferred "him-i-canes."
71. For one day in 1998, Topeka, Kansas, renamed itself "ToPikachu" to mark Pokemon's U.S. debut.
72. Before settling on the Seven Dwarfs we know today, Disney also considered Chesty, Tubby, Burpy, Deafy, Hickey, Wheezy, and Awful.
73. The Dictionary of American Slang defines "happy cabbage" as money to be spent "on entertainment or other self-satisfying things."
74. Herbert Hoover was Stanford's football team manager. At the first Stanford-Cal game in 1892, he forgot to bring the ball.
75. The unkempt Shaggy of Scooby-Doo fame has a rather proper real name—Norville Rogers.
76. If you open your eyes in a pitch-black room, the color you'll see is called 'eigengrau.'
77. In 1965, a Senate subcommittee predicted that by 2000, Americans would only be working 20 hours a week with seven weeks vacation.
78. There are roughly 70 ingredients in the McRib.
79. A baby can cost new parents 750 hours of sleep in the first year.
80. Winston Churchill's mother was born in Brooklyn.
81. Brazil couldn't afford to send its athletes to the 1932 Olympics in Los Angeles. So they loaded their ship with coffee and sold it along the way.
82. Before Stephen Hillenburg created SpongeBob SquarePants, he taught marine biology.
83. New Mexico State's first graduating class in 1893 had only one student—and he was shot and killed before graduation.
84. George Washington insisted his continental army be permitted a quart of beer as part of their daily rations.
85. When Canada's Northwest Territories considered renaming itself in the 1990s, one name that gained support was "Bob."
86. President Nixon was speaking at Disney World when he famously declared, "I am not a crook."
87. In a study by the Smell & Taste Research Foundation, the scent women found most arousing was Good & Plenty candy mixed with cucumber.
88. In 1958, Larry King smashed into John F. Kennedy's car. JFK said he’d forget the whole thing if King promised to vote for him when he ran for president.
89. Before she wrote The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins was a writer for Clarissa Explains it All.
90. The male giraffe determines a female's fertility by tasting her urine. If it passes the test, the courtship continues.
91. Hell-o? Hell no! In 1997, Kleberg County in Texas designated "Heaven-o" as its official new phone greeting.
92. Jim Cummings is the voice of Winnie the Pooh. He calls sick kids in hospitals and chats with them in character.
93. In 1994, two men broke into the National Gallery in Oslo and stole a version of Edvard Munch's The Scream. They left a postcard that read: "Thanks for the poor security."
94. In 1979, Japan offered new British PM Margaret Thatcher 20 "karate ladies" for protection at an economic summit. She declined.
95. The Pittsburgh Penguins made Mister Rogers an honorary captain in 1991.
96. In a 1917 letter to Winston Churchill, Admiral John Fisher used the phrase "O.M.G."
97. Truman Show Delusion is a mental condition marked by a patient's belief that he or she is the star of an imaginary reality show.
98. During the first Super Bowl in 1967, NBC was still in commercial when the second half kicked off. Officials asked the Packers to kick off again.
99. Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart.
100. Until 1954, stop signs were yellow.
101. Mardi Gras float riders are required by law to wear masks.
102. Garbage trucks in Taipei play Beethoven's "Fur Elise" to let people know it's time to bring the trash out.
103. Asperger syndrome is named for Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger, who described it in 1944. He called his patients "Little Professors."
104. The term "lawn mullet" refers to a neatly manicured front yard with an unmowed mess in the back.
105. Mark Twain invented a board game called Mark Twain's Memory Builder: A Game for Acquiring and Retaining All Sorts of Facts and Dates.
106. In 1991, Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse, married Russi Taylor—the voice of Minnie.
107. Furbies were banned from the National Security Agency's Maryland headquarters in 1999. It was feared the toys might repeat national security secrets.
108. In the 1880s, a baboon worked as a signalman for nine years on a South African railroad. He was paid in brandy and never made a mistake.
109. Carly Simon's dad is the Simon of Simon and Schuster. He co-founded the company.
110. When the mummy of Ramses II was sent to France in the mid-1970s, it was issued a passport. Ramses' occupation? "King (deceased)."
111. The giant inflatable rat that shows up at union protests has a name—Scabby.
112. When the computer mouse was invented, it was called the "X-Y Position Indicator for a Display System."
113. As part of David Hasselhoff's divorce settlement, he kept possession of the nickname "Hoff" and the catchphrase "Don't Hassle the Hoff."
114. "Jay" used to be slang for "foolish person." So when a pedestrian ignored street signs, he was referred to as a "jaywalker."
115. Duncan Hines was a real person. He was a popular restaurant critic who also wrote a book of hotel recommendations.
116. The only number whose letters are in alphabetical order is 40 (f-o-r-t-y).
 
Marine retailers are flooring a new clothing product for us older mariners.
Pants combining the comfort of Dockers with the protection of Depends.
They are called: 'Dry Dockers'.:D:lol::lol:
 
Cops put fire out with coffee !

Wow! ... Only in Seattle!!!.....

You will not believe what just happened... I walked into 7 - 11 to get a coffee and as I walked up, I noticed 2 Police Officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas..

I saw him and thought: 1. This guy has no common sense & 2. Is he really that stupid with cops right there, too?

Anyways, I went in and got my coffee... As I was checking out, I heard screaming & looked outside,.... the guys arm was on fire!... He was swinging his arm, yelling and running around going crazy!

I ran outside and the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!....... YES, THEIR COFFEES!......... Then, they handcuffed him & threw him in the back of the police car.

Being the nosy person that I am, I asked the Officer, "Why are you arresting him?".... The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said,........... "FOR WAVING A FIREARM"
 
Last edited:
Paddy and Mick were chatting over a couple of pints of Guinness

Paddy asks Mick what sort of wife he would be looking to marry.

"I want a woman like the moon," says Mick.

"Ah, someone who is bright, but calm, eh?" Says Paddy.

"Not at all," says Mick, "I want a woman who turns up at night and disappears in the morning!"
 
Paddy and Mick were chatting over a couple of pints of Guinness

Paddy asks Mick what sort of wife he would be looking to marry.

"I want a woman like the moon," says Mick.

"Ah, someone who is bright, but calm, eh?" Says Paddy.

"Not at all," says Mick, "I want a woman who turns up at night and disappears in the morning!"

With a dark side?? :thumb:
 
It was Monday morning in her Middle School class and the teacher was asking her pupils what they had done over the weekend. She sighed as little Johnny's hand shot up.

"Yes, Johnny, what did you do this weekend?"

"Well miss, me and a couple of friends caught a frog and we put a firecracker up its ass, and lit it!"

The teacher rolled her eyes, but decided not to take him on.

"Rectum Johnny, rectum," she explained.

"Sure did miss, blew him all to pieces!"
 
Me or the boat.
 

Attachments

  • Boat joke.jpg
    Boat joke.jpg
    17.7 KB · Views: 791
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...
 
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...

Funny and True!
 
Back
Top Bottom