Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 02-03-2016, 09:17 PM   #961
GFC
Guru
 
GFC's Avatar
 
City: Tri Cities, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Beachcomber
Vessel Model: Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,186
Tax Time


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells himthat she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need toask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social securitynumber, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says," Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end callgirl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farminghave to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers lastyear."

"Chicken Farmer it is."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices afrog sitting next to the green. Hethinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9Iron.." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?


The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him tothe next hole.


"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."


The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled anddoesn't know
what to say.By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asksthe frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,"OK frog, now what?"The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The manasks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."


Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits thefrog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forevergrateful."


The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."


He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl."

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William JeffersonClinton."
__________________
Advertisement

__________________
Mike and Tina
Beachcomber 1995 Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
GFC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-05-2016, 06:26 AM   #962
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,908
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from
London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.€
"The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too! Hey, I didn't know we had a choice."


__________________

FF is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-05-2016, 11:54 AM   #963
Guru
 
menzies's Avatar
 
City: Jacksonville
Country: USA
Vessel Name: SONAS
Vessel Model: Grand Alaskan 53
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 1,306
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
menzies is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2016, 11:34 AM   #964
Curmudgeon
 
BaltimoreLurker's Avatar
 
City: Stoney Creek, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Moon Dance
Vessel Model: 1974 34' Marine Trader Sedan
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,541
Just Sayin'
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	star-wars-candidate.jpg
Views:	73
Size:	40.0 KB
ID:	49468  
BaltimoreLurker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2016, 12:56 PM   #965
THD
Guru
 
City: Seattle
Country: US
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,142
BL-that is funny! True, but still funny!
THD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2016, 03:36 PM   #966
GFC
Guru
 
GFC's Avatar
 
City: Tri Cities, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Beachcomber
Vessel Model: Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,186
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are,then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.


As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
__________________
Mike and Tina
Beachcomber 1995 Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
GFC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2016, 04:21 PM   #967
omc
Senior Member
 
omc's Avatar
 
City: Antibes
Country: France
Vessel Name: LUTIN
Vessel Model: Grand Banks 42' Motor Yacht
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by GFC View Post
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are,then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.


As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
I love it !
__________________
Olivier
omc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2016, 10:21 AM   #968
Guru
 
O C Diver's Avatar
 
City: Fort Myers, FL... Summers in Crisfield, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Slow Hand
Vessel Model: Cherubini Independence 45
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,509
Can you help my friend?

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help and wishes to remain anonymous. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would make him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Ted
__________________
I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
O C Diver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2016, 08:04 AM   #969
TF Site Team
 
Larry M's Avatar
 
City: Friday Harbor, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Hobo
Vessel Model: Krogen 42-120
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,508
God Bless The Scots


A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."


Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby That weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making' bets about how big he would be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What Happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker whisky, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender, and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."



Larry M is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2016, 02:03 PM   #970
GFC
Guru
 
GFC's Avatar
 
City: Tri Cities, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Beachcomber
Vessel Model: Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,186
So this guy goes into work on Monday morning with two shiners and bruises all over his face.


A guy he works with says "Wow, you look like you got your butt kicked. What happened?"


The guy with the shiners says "Well I met this chick in a bar on Saturday nite. We went back to her place and I was banging the hell out of her. I had her bent over her kitchen table and was really giving it to her.


All of a sudden we hear the front door open and she says "Oh shit, that's my husband at the front door. Quick, use the back door."


So the other guy says "What happened then?"


"Well, hell, it's not every day you get an invitation like that from a woman so I figured 'what the heck, it's worth getting my butt kicked for."
__________________
Mike and Tina
Beachcomber 1995 Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
GFC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2016, 12:34 PM   #971
Guru
 
Moonstruck's Avatar
 
City: Hailing Port: Charleston, SC
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Moonstruck
Vessel Model: Sabre 42 Hardtop Express
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 7,377
Picture taken at the recent climate change conference in Paris.

__________________
Don on Moonstruck
Sabre 42 Hardtop Express & Blackfin 25 CC
When cruising life is simpler, but on a grander scale (author unknown)
http://moonstruckblog.wordpress.com/
Moonstruck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2016, 09:21 PM   #972
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,590
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonstruck View Post
Picture taken at the recent climate change conference in Paris.

I see no pict WC... err Don!
Art is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2016, 09:25 PM   #973
GFC
Guru
 
GFC's Avatar
 
City: Tri Cities, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Beachcomber
Vessel Model: Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,186
Hillary--bumping and humping and stumping


https://www.facebook.com/darren.kend...3991752484993/
__________________
Mike and Tina
Beachcomber 1995 Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
GFC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2016, 09:56 PM   #974
Enigma
 
RT Firefly's Avatar
 
City: Slicker?
Country: Bumpkin?
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 8,095
Greetings,
Mr. A. It's foggy/smoggy. Here's another taken in Shanghai:









It's pretty bad when you have to 'splain things...
__________________
RTF
RT Firefly is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2016, 10:09 PM   #975
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,590
Quote:
Originally Posted by RT Firefly View Post
Greetings,
Mr. A. It's foggy/smoggy. Here's another taken in Shanghai:









It's pretty bad when you have to 'splain things...
RT - Go back to your vid shorts... you're mush better at that... than trying to act sooooo smart
Art is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2016, 10:47 PM   #976
Enigma
 
RT Firefly's Avatar
 
City: Slicker?
Country: Bumpkin?
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 8,095
Greetings,
OK. Mr. A. Here's an enhanced version of the picture in post #974:



Better? I suspect this was taken looking east from the Pearl Tower...
__________________
RTF
RT Firefly is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2016, 12:55 AM   #977
Senior Member
 
Capn Craig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 397
WOW! That Cankles is HOT....... not
Capn Craig is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-14-2016, 08:39 AM   #978
TF Site Team
 
Larry M's Avatar
 
City: Friday Harbor, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Hobo
Vessel Model: Krogen 42-120
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,508
POOF, THE LIGHT GOES ON,
AND POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF!!

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again.......


Larry M is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2016, 09:48 PM   #979
Guru
 
N4712's Avatar
 
City: South FL
Country: U.S.A
Vessel Name: Oliver
Vessel Model: Nordhavn 47 Hull# 12
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3,601
Click image for larger version

Name:	ImageUploadedByTrawler Forum1458092922.570190.jpg
Views:	80
Size:	70.0 KB
ID:	49822
__________________
Thanks, Oliver
M/V Oliver
Nordhavn 47 Hull #12
N4712 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2016, 11:09 PM   #980
Curmudgeon
 
BaltimoreLurker's Avatar
 
City: Stoney Creek, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Moon Dance
Vessel Model: 1974 34' Marine Trader Sedan
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,541
Took me a minute
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	0ibrHho.jpg
Views:	263
Size:	29.9 KB
ID:	49824  
__________________

BaltimoreLurker is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Nautical Humor skipperdude Off Topic Forum 0 05-19-2011 01:37 PM




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:26 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2006 - 2012