Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 12-12-2015, 09:17 PM   #921
Al
Guru
 
Al's Avatar
 
City: ketchikan, Alaska
Country: usa
Vessel Name: 'SLO'~BELLE
Vessel Model: Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,193
The Irish Angler

THE IRISH ANGLER



The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth" said the old man.
__________________
Advertisement

Al is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2015, 08:48 AM   #922
TF Site Team
 
dwhatty's Avatar
 
City: Home Port: Buck's Harbor, Maine
Country: USA
Vessel Name: "Emily Anne"
Vessel Model: 2001 Island Gypsy 32 Europa (Hull #146)
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,623
Those Scots:
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	Scot.jpg
Views:	70
Size:	119.9 KB
ID:	47313  
__________________

__________________
David Hawkins
Deer Isle, Maine
dwhatty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2015, 04:23 AM   #923
Moderator Emeritus
 
BruceK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5,989
I like the story the Grand Canyon is the result of an enthusiastic search by a Scotsman for a sixpence he dropped.
I also like their whiskey.
__________________
BruceK
Island Gypsy 36 Europa "Doriana"
Sydney Australia
BruceK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2015, 01:41 PM   #924
Veteran Member
 
weebobby's Avatar
 
City: Cochrane, Alberta
Country: Canada
Vessel Name: Painters Cove
Vessel Model: 1997 Bayliner 5788
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 88
Humor

That would be Whisky, not Whiskey ! just saying!
weebobby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2015, 03:03 PM   #925
Senior Member
 
Old deckhand's Avatar
 
City: Sitka
Country: Same
Vessel Model: Transpacific Marine Eagle 32
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 418
When the gospel first arrive in the British Isles the English liked it because they could use it to build an empire, the Welsh liked it because they could sing about it, the Irish liked it because they could fight over it and the Scots liked it because it was free.
Old deckhand is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2015, 07:39 PM   #926
GFC
Guru
 
GFC's Avatar
 
City: Tri Cities, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Beachcomber
Vessel Model: Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,180
A foursome of male golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.




Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.




Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.




Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.




Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
__________________
Mike and Tina
Beachcomber 1995 Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
GFC is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2015, 08:23 PM   #927
Senior Member
 
West's Avatar
 
City: Vancouver BC
Country: Salish Sea
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 302
Quote:
Originally Posted by GFC View Post
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
West is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-15-2015, 11:07 AM   #928
Guru
 
Moonstruck's Avatar
 
City: Hailing Port: Charleston, SC
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Moonstruck
Vessel Model: Sabre 42 Hardtop Express
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 7,367
Do you have sauve faire?

Well, it is kind of an Illusive thing to determine. Here is one way.

You are having sex with a woman who invited you home from a bar. Her husband walks in and says, "please continue".

If you can continue you surely have sauve faire.
__________________
Don on Moonstruck
Sabre 42 Hardtop Express & Blackfin 25 CC
When cruising life is simpler, but on a grander scale (author unknown)
http://moonstruckblog.wordpress.com/
Moonstruck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2015, 07:12 PM   #929
Guru
 
CaptTom's Avatar
 
City: Southern Maine
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Cygnus
Vessel Model: Prairie 36 Coastal Cruiser
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,044
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonstruck View Post
If you can continue you surely have sauve faire.
That's the short version (just the punch line really) from a British comedian whose name escapes me. The joke was about "The epitome of sophistication". I've never seen or heard it since the late 60's or early 70's, and Google has nothing on it. So here it is, as best I can recall:

Three British gentlemen were sitting at the club, and the subject came up of how to define sophistication.

The first gentleman says "Sophistication is when you're lying in bed with this pretty young lass when her husband walks in. If he says "So sorry" and walks out, that's the epitome of sophistication.

The second gentleman says "No, if you're lying in bed with the pretty young lass, and her husband walks in and says "So sorry, *do carry on*", that is the epitome of sophistication.

The third gentleman takes a long drag on his pipe, pauses for a moment, and says "No. If you're lying it bed with this pretty young lass, and her husband comes in and says "So sorry, do carry on"... Now, if you CAN carry on, THAT is the epitome of sophistication.
CaptTom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2015, 07:45 PM   #930
GFC
Guru
 
GFC's Avatar
 
City: Tri Cities, WA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Beachcomber
Vessel Model: Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,180
Since I retired I've felt kind of lost...adrift...no purpose in life...no goal...no title.


That all changed recently. I now am my wife's Sexual Advisor.


How did that happen, you ask? Well let me tell you the short version.


She told me recently that when she wanted my F*cking Advice she'd ask for it.


I'm pretty happy with my new title.
__________________
Mike and Tina
Beachcomber 1995 Sea Ray 550 Sedan Bridge
GFC is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2015, 09:04 PM   #931
TF Site Team
 
dimer2's Avatar
 
City: Houston
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Baobab
Vessel Model: Bayliner 4788
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,719
There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.


She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"


Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!


But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666 13 6429
__________________
You never really learn to swear until you become a boat owner!
dimer2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2015, 07:57 AM   #932
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,579
Girls of the night in a foreign country:


Sign on door - $5 big show all night... $10 you participate!
Art is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2015, 09:22 AM   #933
Senior Member
 
City: louisiana
Country: usa
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 207
Three thirsty strings (yes...strings) were walking down Bourbon Street contemplating a nice cold beer. They stopped outside a tavern but a sign on the door read "WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS!". One string proclaimed "I don't care about that sign, I'm going in ad get us some beers". Off he inched into the bar, climbed up a barstool leg and politely asked the bartender for three beers. The bartender said "can't you read??? WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS! GET OUT OF MY BAR!!!". Dejected the string inched outside and told his friends of the defeat. A second string said "I won't stand for this insult...I'll show you how its done" and went in the bar. He rapped loudly on the bar and said with a bit of force "HEY BARTENDER...THREE BEERS PRONTO". The bartender, none too amused, flicked the string off the barstool with his finger and shouted "GET YOUR STRING ARSE OUT OF MY BAR AND DON'T COME BACK". Once outside the second string dusted himself off and said "Man, that guy is tough; no way he is going to serve us". The last string said "don't fret, I've got this". He began to unravel himself, curl up into a ball and roll on into the bar and up on a stool. He then asked the curious bartender for three beers. The bartender gave him a rather puzzled look and asked "Hey....are you a string?" He replied "no...I'm a frayed knot"
rardoin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2015, 02:41 PM   #934
Guru
 
Giggitoni's Avatar
 
City: Vallejo, California
Country: United States
Vessel Name: Mahalo Moi
Vessel Model: Grand Banks 42 Classic
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,337
Dog-food diet

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO!!

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

(From a friend on Grand Banks Owners Forum)
__________________
Ray
"Mahalo Moi"
1986 GB-42 Classic
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑβΕ
Giggitoni is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2015, 03:07 PM   #935
Guru
 
O C Diver's Avatar
 
City: Fort Myers, FL... Summers in Crisfield, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Slow Hand
Vessel Model: Cherubini Independence 45
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,503
GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,and three or more is a congress.-- John Adams


2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain


3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain


4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill


5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw


6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy


7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard,Civil Libertarian (1994)


8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-- Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.


9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-- P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


10. Government is the great fiction,through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)


11. Government's view of the economy could be summed upin a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.-- Ronald Reagan (1986)


12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers


13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!-- P. J. O'Rourke


14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as muchmoney as possible from one party of the citizens to give tothe other. --Voltaire (1764)


15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)


16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.-- Mark Twain (1866)


17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous


18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-- Ronald Reagan


19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill


20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.--Mark Twain


21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-- Herbert Spencer,English Philosopher (1820-1903)


22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain


23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)


24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson


25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop


FIVE BEST SENTENCES


1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.


2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.


3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that thegovernment does not first take from somebody else.


4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.


5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!


Ted
__________________
I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
O C Diver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2015, 05:02 AM   #936
Al
Guru
 
Al's Avatar
 
City: ketchikan, Alaska
Country: usa
Vessel Name: 'SLO'~BELLE
Vessel Model: Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,193
Once in a whore house

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Lincoln, Nebraska,

locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.




The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!




Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!




The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.




She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired,

but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,

"NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!




Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time,

but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for.

The challenge is irresistible.




She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.

And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.

She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.

And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
Al is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2015, 12:37 AM   #937
Al
Guru
 
Al's Avatar
 
City: ketchikan, Alaska
Country: usa
Vessel Name: 'SLO'~BELLE
Vessel Model: Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,193
Golf and Sex (Oz humor?)

Sex & Golf

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your A$$-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

t took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Al is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2015, 02:33 PM   #938
Senior Member
 
City: louisiana
Country: usa
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 207
Quote:
Originally Posted by O C Diver View Post
7. Democracy must be something [/FONT][/COLOR]more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard,Civil Libertarian (1994)


Ted

Corollary....A Republic is a well armed sheep contesting the vote!!!
rardoin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2015, 08:48 PM   #939
Enigma
 
RT Firefly's Avatar
 
City: Slicker?
Country: Bumpkin?
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 8,080
Greetings,
You probably missed the news article and being most of us probably do some fishing, I'll provide a synopsis...

The famous Kokanee Salmon of Kootenay Lake, BC have been in unexplained decline since the late 70's. Fisheries scientists, in a effort to revitalize the species and increase sport fishing revenue have undertaken a genetic cross breeding program.
A successful cross was achieved between the Kokanee and the Walleye and named the Kowalleye. Fast growing and able to adapt to the changing environment of Kootenay Lake the Kowalleye was thought to be a good strain to re-stock the lake with. Unfortunately it proved to be a failure as a game fish due to it's lackluster fighting qualities.
A further cross was successfully completed with the introduction of Muskie genes. This was named the Kowalski...The scientists are now attempting to teach them how to swim.
__________________
RTF
RT Firefly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2015, 06:20 AM   #940
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,908

Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam. During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.

Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein‚€™s Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald‚€™s; where Fleischman‚€™s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg‚€™s Department Store was, there is now a Gap.

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky‚€™s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?

A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.

Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

‚€œExcuse me, Mr. Klonsky,‚€Ě Kaplan says, ‚€œbut I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?‚€Ě

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, ‚€œVas dey black vingtips?‚€Ě

‚€œThey were indeed,‚€Ě Kaplan only now recalls.

‚€œAnd you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?‚€Ě

‚€œYes,‚€Ě says Kaplan. ‚€œThat‚€™s exactly what I wanted.‚€Ě

‚€œAnd you vanted taps on the heels only?‚€Ě

‚€œYes, yes,‚€Ě says Kaplan. ‚€œAmazing! Do you still have them?‚€Ě

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says, ‚€œDey‚€™ll be ready Vendsday.‚€Ě






__________________

FF is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Nautical Humor skipperdude Off Topic Forum 0 05-19-2011 01:37 PM




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:11 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2006 - 2012