Humor

[siestakey]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust…”

OH no!!! you didn't did you?

 

[siestakey]

OK SO........

A man picks up a lamp and rubs it to wipe it clean and yes you guessed it a genie pops out and says

I grant you 2 wishes

the guy says 2 wishes I thought I got three

Genie says oh that is in fairy tales

the guys says well I want a billion dollars for my first

BAM the Genie places a Billion dollars at his feet and then says now what will be your 2nd wish

The guy says I have really want to go to Hawaii but I afraid of boats and of planes can you build me a bridge to Hawaii

The Genie says do you know how hard that would be? some of the pillings would have to be over a mile deep and just a few hundred feet apart. do you have any other requests?

the guy says well yes!!! I have always wanted to fully understand women so can you help me to always fully understand women?

The Genie says ...... So do you want that bridge 2 lane or 4 lane ?

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[Al]

Stopping the Hawaiian volcano:

The subject of stopping the Hawaiian volcano has come up.

According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the quickest way to APPEASE PELE and have the volcanic fires stop is to make a human sacrifice into her fires, and according to tradition, that needs to be a celebrated leader who was born in Hawaii and held a position of power for 8 years.

Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the Birth Certificate to prove it.

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

That'll buff right out.



https://youtu.be/50PSNhLWMVs

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[jeffnick]

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

Boat Names



https://tinyurl.com/ya5l3pro

 

[Pack Mule]

Girl runs into hair salon very excited saying “ only 57 days , only 57 days “!!!!!
Hairstylist , “ what so good about 57days?”
Girl ,“ I just finished my puzzle and it only took 57 days “
Hairstylist, “ that’s not so great “
Girl , “ it is when the box says 2 to 3 years ! “

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

Nerd alert! Took me a few seconds.

 

[dwhatty]

Hyacinth Goes Yachting

Love this.



https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4tk18w

 

[dwhatty]

True Dat!

 

[CaptTom]

Love this.
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4tk18w

We loved Keeping Up Appearances, and that's one of the funniest episodes!

Along the same lines, this is another good one:
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4udqk5

There are too many to list them all.

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

That's not gonna buff right out!

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Xsbank]

You mean, this one? We tied up behind her in Beziers on the Canal du Midi.

 

[O C Diver]

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams revealed that:

North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has been very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of them had any idea they were Japanese.

Ted

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

I live in the wrong part of the world to have seen the recent eclipse.

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

Hold my beer!

 

[FF]

Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify.." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer, Let's be Happy, while we're here!

 

[Xsbank]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[O C Diver]

ACETAMINOPHEN -

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


Ted

 

[BandB]

As with a lot of humor, a bit of ironic truth in the Viagra vs Alzheimer's joke. Sometimes too, truth rivals fiction.

Actually, the generic is Sildenafil. It was developed in a quest for a heart medication. In running the clinical trials, they found a most interesting side effect of the drug in men, lasting erections. Well, that certainly opened the door to the potential of far greater revenues so they jumped on that and hastened the development of Viagra for Erectile Dysfunction. Only after that did they return to their initial work and complete the work on Sildenafil for use in treating Pulmonary Hypertension. For that purpose, it was then marketed as Revatio.

 

[Art]

I guess "Revatio" can really get a guy all revved-up huh!! But, unfortunately, not so much for a gal; from what I read. That would make the whole communal process rather lopsided IMO!


Linda and my co-operatively induced mental/verbal/position/make-up-story drug "FantaMind" Works Wonders - every time [cost is $0.00]. It enables a plethora of great on-site variable results leading to hours of fun! So many new mind-over-matter opportunities for us each to partake in - we never get tired out!! There's always more variations to FantaMind about!


The thoughts during EACH and ALL FantaMind possibilities... just makes us... Well, you get the picture!!

 

[BandB]

I guess "Revatio" can really get a guy all revved-up huh!! But, unfortunately, not so much for a gal; from what I read. That would make the whole communal process rather lopsided IMO!

Actually it does increase blood flow for women too, which is it's purpose. Especially flow between the right side of the heart and the lungs. Flow elsewhere is just a natural extension.

 

[Art]

Actually it does increase blood flow for women too, which is it's purpose. Especially flow between the right side of the heart and the lungs. Flow elsewhere is just a natural extension.

For the guys... of course, pretty much at will [when extended], partaken of and wholly enjoyed by the gals!! :lol:

 

[dwhatty]

Automotive backup sensor prototype.

 

[O C Diver]

RAMBLINGS OF AN OLDER MIND

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond.

I decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'
(I wrote "another Doctor").

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they are really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells "Theirs".

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, and Friends Who Care.


Ted

 

[O C Diver]

WRONG BREAKFAST ORDER

AN OLD MAN GOES INTO A RESTAURANT AND IS SEATED. ALL THE WAITRESSES ARE GORGEOUS. A PARTICULARLY VOLUPTUOUS WAITRESS, WEARING A VERY SHORT SKIRT AND LEGS THAT WON’T QUIT, CAME TO HIS TABLE AND ASKED IF HE WAS READY TO ORDER. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SIR?”

HE LOOKS AT THE MENU AND THEN SCANS HER BEAUTIFUL FRAME TOP TO BOTTOM, AND ANSWERS, "A QUICKIE.

THE WAITRESS TURNS AND WALKS AWAY IN DISGUST. AFTER SHE REGAINS HER COMPOSURE, SHE RETURNS AND ASKS AGAIN, "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SIR?"

AGAIN THE OLD MAN THOROUGHLY CHECKS HER OUT AND AGAIN ANSWERS, "A QUICKIE, PLEASE.”

THIS TIME HER ANGER TAKES OVER, SHE REACHES OVER AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE WITH A RESOUNDING "SMACK!" AND STORMS AWAY.

A MAN SITTING AT THE NEXT TABLE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS, "UM, I THINK IT’S PRONOUNCED “_QUICHE_.”


Ted

 

[GFC]

All men should learn that all women are "Bi-".


It's up to the man to figure out if, in her case that means "-sexual" or "-polar".