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Old 10-06-2015, 06:53 PM   #861
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Mike, you forgot the main question a liberal would ask, "Is he upset because this street has no bicycle lanes?"
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Old 10-07-2015, 11:07 AM   #862
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Thank GOD the Republican and Southerner were not in a "Gun Free Zone"

REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM!!!
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Old 10-10-2015, 06:36 AM   #863
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Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question:
When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.






Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!



Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.






Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:
If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY





Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....

'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I
got my leotards on,

the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!
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Old 10-10-2015, 04:54 PM   #864
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GFC View Post
Democrat, Republican, or Southerner Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's Answer:

� Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
� What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
� Does the man look poor or oppressed?
� Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
� Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
� Could we run away?
� What does my wife think?
� What about the kids?
� Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
� What does the law say about this situation?
� Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
� Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
� Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
� Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
� If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
� Should I call 9-1-1?
� Why is this street so deserted?
� We need to raise taxes, have a puff, pass and paint day and everything will be better.
� Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
� I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
� This is all so confusing!

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!
Thanks Mike and Tina. I like it !
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Old 10-10-2015, 05:35 PM   #865
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So funny

Quote:
Originally Posted by GFC View Post
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college years ago he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

Act like one.
Very funny. I already printed it out !
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Old 10-16-2015, 03:00 PM   #866
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My wife refers to y'all as my imaginary friends, so this made me think of all of you.
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Old 10-18-2015, 07:48 AM   #867
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Womens Asses

There is a new study, just released, about how women feel about their asses. The results were very interesting.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
30% think their ass is too fat.
60% said they didn't care. They love him anyway, he is basically a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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Old 10-20-2015, 07:33 AM   #868
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YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE!

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't
told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts
were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."



Ted
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Old 10-20-2015, 08:02 AM   #869
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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden....
while

a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told


that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would


NOT be ordained.... because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no


reaction. She proceeded down the line.... with the same response from


all the priests.... until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor
Carlos!


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off onto
the ground.


Embarrassed, Carlos quickly bent over to pick it up....
..... then, all the other bells started to ring.
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Old 10-21-2015, 10:52 PM   #870
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Greetings,

Math for the Fast Lane

This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.
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Old 10-22-2015, 07:31 AM   #871
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SIMPLE TRUTH 1:Lovers help each other undress before sex.However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".But, none of them comes up to the man, touches his penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

Ted

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I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
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Old 10-22-2015, 08:41 AM   #872
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GFC View Post
Democrat, Republican, or Southerner Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!

yup...Reckon' I really am a Southerner!
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Old 10-22-2015, 08:42 AM   #873
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Quote:
Originally Posted by O C Diver View Post
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:Lovers help each other undress before sex.However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".But, none of them comes up to the man, touches his penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS RULE:Condoms do not guarantee safe sex... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

Ted
This was friggin' awesome!
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Old 10-22-2015, 10:00 AM   #874
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Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
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Old 10-22-2015, 11:53 AM   #875
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"1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle."

OC...that is the corollary to the following rule:

Money cannot buy happiness...but it can make misery MUCH more tolerable!
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Old 10-25-2015, 09:06 AM   #876
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Auto Mechanics Hilariously Recreate Renaissance Paintings | Bored Panda
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Old 10-25-2015, 09:38 AM   #877
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Well done!
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Old 10-25-2015, 10:45 AM   #878
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I thought he was a carpenter.....lol.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:48 AM   #879
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hendo78 View Post
Hahahaha isn't only gay if you give? not receive? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
We had guys in jail try to justify themselves with that one. We always told em, don't matter if you're catchin or pitchin, you're still playin baseball.
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Old 11-08-2015, 10:14 AM   #880
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
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