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Old 09-22-2015, 02:31 AM   #841
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Oh Don!

When I was a bit younger I had a saying, " I can drink her pretty, I can drink her thin, I just can't drink her both".
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:01 AM   #842
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Your Bad Don... Bad... Ba Ba BAD!!


But funny!
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:31 AM   #843
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Originally Posted by Crusty Chief View Post
Oh Don!

When I was a bit younger I had a saying, " I can drink her pretty, I can drink her thin, I just can't drink her both".
At closing time... when all that remained were the "prettiest"...

Very early 1970's: For the remaining pretties at the bar; "Stop yer grinnen an drop yer linen" was often exclaimed by Penobscot Bay Lobstermen and/or Gloucester Fishermen in my Camden Maine restaurant/tavern. Yes - times in that bar could become quite raucous.
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Old 09-22-2015, 09:17 AM   #844
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Your Bad Don... Bad... Ba Ba BAD!!


But funny!
Yeah, Art. I'm on the boat this week totally unsupervised. I am starting to realize that a little supervision is probably not a bad thing.
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Old 09-22-2015, 09:24 AM   #845
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Yeah, Art. I'm on the boat this week totally unsupervised. I am starting to realize that a little supervision is probably not a bad thing.
O' Oh!!
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:23 PM   #846
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THE OLD TEXAS RANCHER


The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys .
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Old 09-23-2015, 12:25 AM   #847
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Don... being alone aboard boat... in addition to telling ribald sex jokes... I'm not going to ask what else you may be doing... please don't tell!
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Old 09-23-2015, 12:47 AM   #848
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That's true Art- this "unsupervised" thing may not be for everybody,,,.


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Twin Lehman 135's
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Old 09-24-2015, 06:24 AM   #849
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Just to get your day started off right!

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Old 09-24-2015, 06:40 AM   #850
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Posted recently on the door of the Titanic exhibit in Belfast.
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Old 09-25-2015, 08:55 AM   #851
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat, agreed to look
after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She
had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling
and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together, unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called
her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the
phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be
able to separate."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.



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Old 09-30-2015, 09:26 AM   #852
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Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Apparently a true story.
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Old 10-03-2015, 06:12 AM   #853
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BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents and thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.



I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.


ON TURNING 70

'I still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact,
I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'


Give me a sense of humor Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk.



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Old 10-03-2015, 08:41 AM   #854
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Ya gotta love Bob Hope! He and Bing were a funny pair .... On The Road To > > >!!
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Old 10-03-2015, 10:01 AM   #855
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Hope and Chaplin, two great British comedians!
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:07 PM   #856
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Regarding Bob Hope, a line from one of his movies (click link and download -- don't know how to make it appear/play in Chrome)

http://janice142.com/Videos/BobHope-MovieLine.wmv

And a couple that touched me:

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and gosh, Bing was something else, eh?

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Old 10-05-2015, 11:41 PM   #857
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:18 AM   #858
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Cheer up!



Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.



























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Old 10-06-2015, 06:20 PM   #859
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Old 10-06-2015, 06:43 PM   #860
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Democrat, Republican, or Southerner Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's Answer:

� Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
� What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
� Does the man look poor or oppressed?
� Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
� Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
� Could we run away?
� What does my wife think?
� What about the kids?
� Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
� What does the law say about this situation?
� Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
� Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
� Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
� Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
� If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
� Should I call 9-1-1?
� Why is this street so deserted?
� We need to raise taxes, have a puff, pass and paint day and everything will be better.
� Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
� I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
� This is all so confusing!

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!
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