David - That IS Hilarious! True too!! LOL
Humor
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The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
David - That IS Hilarious! True too!! LOL
A few idle thoughts to ponder....
A government that pays you to do nothing destroys your willingness to do anything.
If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
I don't care what you son identifies as, he does not belong in a bathroom with my daughter.
Don't try to explain yourself or your thoughts to idiots.
You're not the f*ckface whisperer.
If I ever go missing I want my photo put on tequila bottles. That way my friends will know to look for me.
Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "In HD" was not the correct answer.
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say "It's going to be OK. Here's a cup of coffee and two million dollars."
It's called Karma and it's pronounced "Ha Ha #uck you!"
Girls aren't moody. They just have days when they are less likely to put up with your sh!t.
Some people just need a high five.
In the head.
With a chair.
A government that pays you to do nothing destroys your willingness to do anything.
If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
I don't care what you son identifies as, he does not belong in a bathroom with my daughter.
Don't try to explain yourself or your thoughts to idiots.
You're not the f*ckface whisperer.
If I ever go missing I want my photo put on tequila bottles. That way my friends will know to look for me.
Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "In HD" was not the correct answer.
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say "It's going to be OK. Here's a cup of coffee and two million dollars."
It's called Karma and it's pronounced "Ha Ha #uck you!"
Girls aren't moody. They just have days when they are less likely to put up with your sh!t.
Some people just need a high five.
In the head.
With a chair.
BruceK
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There`s a medical surgical prosthesis store stocking prosthetic testicles, it costs $65 for one. Right now they have a special, 3 for $150. Bargain! But...
menzies
Guru
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
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.
.
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.
.
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..
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
.
.
.
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.
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..
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why male dogs lift their leg to pee while human males stand to pee & get the front of their pants wet almost every time?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why Big business companies use our roads & bridges but want to pay zero taxes?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Why some companies ask you on new job applications the question: Starting salary expected by applicant ..When they know you are going to answer: YES INDEED !
Why male dogs lift their leg to pee while human males stand to pee & get the front of their pants wet almost every time?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why Big business companies use our roads & bridges but want to pay zero taxes?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Why some companies ask you on new job applications the question: Starting salary expected by applicant ..When they know you are going to answer: YES INDEED !
CPseudonym
Moderator Emeritus
Wifey B: That is so sad. He's a rising star and just one freak play. He and MM on the same day, same injury. Oh, as to destination....don't think the Raiders are at their destination. Isn't it Las Vegas?
CPseudonym
Moderator Emeritus
I drink a lot of water for my health.
It's warmed up and poured over coffee grounds for the health of everyone around me.
It's warmed up and poured over coffee grounds for the health of everyone around me.
Moonstruck
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Call to sheriff's office
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir ,
we'll find your truck!!!
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir ,
we'll find your truck!!!
Seadog2013
Veteran Member
humour
I see said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Well,well, said the dumb man as he picked up his wheel and spoke.
I see said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Well,well, said the dumb man as he picked up his wheel and spoke.
BruceK
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A Jewish man, a Hindu follower, and a lawyer are travelling by car on a snowy winter night. Car breaks down in a lonely area, they seek refuge at a small farmhouse. The farmer offers accommodation overnight but says space is limited and one of the 3 has to sleep in the barn.
The Jewish man volunteers but in minutes is at the farmhouse door " There`s a pig in the barn, I can`t sleep there"
The Hindu follower volunteers but in minutes is at the farmhouse door "There`s a cow in the barn, I can`t sleep with a sacred animal"
The lawyer reluctantly volunteers to sleep in the barn. The farmer just gets to sleep when he again has to answer a knock at the door. There on the doorstep are the pig and the cow...
The Jewish man volunteers but in minutes is at the farmhouse door " There`s a pig in the barn, I can`t sleep there"
The Hindu follower volunteers but in minutes is at the farmhouse door "There`s a cow in the barn, I can`t sleep with a sacred animal"
The lawyer reluctantly volunteers to sleep in the barn. The farmer just gets to sleep when he again has to answer a knock at the door. There on the doorstep are the pig and the cow...
bilge53
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"I see said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Well,well, said the dumb man as he picked up his wheel and spoke."
I am sorry but this makes no sense to me. Explain. Is that Canadian humor?
Well,well, said the dumb man as he picked up his wheel and spoke."
I am sorry but this makes no sense to me. Explain. Is that Canadian humor?
BruceK
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It`s a play on words, a double entendre/meaning. A blind man "saw", a man lacking power of speech(dumb) "spoke". Explaining humor does it such harm.
It`s an English thing, their TV and radio have had programs like "My Word" which played around with language.
But I confess, we Aussies have similar ancestry to Canadians, worse still I spent a week cycling PEI in Canada, where Sea Dog hails from.
RT Firefly
Enigma
And on the other hand...he had a thumb.
O C Diver
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One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew there swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
He came and shot the two dead boys
This story is true
Just ask the blind man
For he saw it to
Ted
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew there swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
He came and shot the two dead boys
This story is true
Just ask the blind man
For he saw it to
Ted
O C Diver
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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards,forward,then backwards again, back and
forth,back and forth........in and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.................
"OK, OK! I CAN'T put the f!!!!!! boat in the slip! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
Ted
forward, then backwards,forward,then backwards again, back and
forth,back and forth........in and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.................
"OK, OK! I CAN'T put the f!!!!!! boat in the slip! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
Ted
that is funny!!!
Al
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They walk among us
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” (BASED ON A THOMAS COOK/ ABTA SURVEY)
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were
scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US ... And THEY VOTE!!!!
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” (BASED ON A THOMAS COOK/ ABTA SURVEY)
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were
scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US ... And THEY VOTE!!!!
BruceK
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"Two ants fighting in dead earnest" a classic schoolboy howler.
Then this, from a radio horse-racing commentator reporter:
"Badajox won race 8 in a photo finish, giving visiting English jockey J. Doyle four winners for the day- and he has been gelded since we last saw him on the track".
Now, who was "gelded" since last seen......
Which reminds me, last night watching tennis, a male singles player suffered what might be termed "a direct ball hit". Ouch.
Then this, from a radio horse-racing commentator reporter:
"Badajox won race 8 in a photo finish, giving visiting English jockey J. Doyle four winners for the day- and he has been gelded since we last saw him on the track".
Now, who was "gelded" since last seen......
Which reminds me, last night watching tennis, a male singles player suffered what might be termed "a direct ball hit". Ouch.
BaltimoreLurker
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BruceK
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Someone I knew wrote a play called "Helen Keller The Musical", performed at Kinsellas in Sydney, a funeral home which became a playhouse, and later a bar.The best joke is obscene, tasteless, funny, and not printable here.
Ticket sales were slow, so the author sent a letter to a leading Sydney newspaper, duly published in the Letters column, complaining of the poor taste, obscenity, and political incorrectness of his play,exhorting people not to attend,writing under the invented name of Lady X, as a resident of the very expensive inner suburb of Point Piper. All in an effort to drive sales. The newspaper later twigged to the trick, previously used in England by another playwright, and went chasing the author.
Here`s another language double entendre:
Radio announcer spruiking the services a funeral home "If you pass on this amazing offer, you`ve lost the plot"
Ticket sales were slow, so the author sent a letter to a leading Sydney newspaper, duly published in the Letters column, complaining of the poor taste, obscenity, and political incorrectness of his play,exhorting people not to attend,writing under the invented name of Lady X, as a resident of the very expensive inner suburb of Point Piper. All in an effort to drive sales. The newspaper later twigged to the trick, previously used in England by another playwright, and went chasing the author.
Here`s another language double entendre:
Radio announcer spruiking the services a funeral home "If you pass on this amazing offer, you`ve lost the plot"
I've been nervous since they added braille to the drive-in ATM keyboards.
Al
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Senior texting
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD- At the Doctor’s
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Centre
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help.
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD- At the Doctor’s
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Centre
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help.
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
