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Old 03-06-2015, 11:58 PM   #681
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I sorta kinda don't get the humour in a plane crash where someone was hurt and a valuable vintage aircraft ('30s) is badly damaged? Now if you were wondering if he will replace his divot, that might be humourous.

Here's to a quick recovery for H. Ford and the airplane.
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Old 03-08-2015, 10:21 AM   #682
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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.



When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.



Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you ,
I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.



The next morning when the barber went to open up,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.



Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.



The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Old 03-08-2015, 03:15 PM   #683
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Naval Aviators say ,

Any one you walk away from was a good one!
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Old 03-12-2015, 10:29 AM   #684
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It's coming close to Paddy's day an' all......

Irish Paddy read in the newspaper that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

Now he's thinking, "Who the ****'s going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:39 AM   #685
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A guy texts his neighbor:

Dear Keith : I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!
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Old 03-13-2015, 09:46 AM   #686
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry M View Post
A guy texts his neighbor:

Dear Keith : I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:07 AM   #687
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Sunburn Treatment

A man passed out on the beach in Naples , Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?' The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
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Old 03-18-2015, 06:25 AM   #688
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Something to ponder-------

Ten Things That Will Disappear In Our Lifetime
This is USA oriented, but Canada & the rest will not be far behind. Whether
these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them.
But, ready or not, here they come.
Maybe not in the seniors of today lifetimes but more likely in our children's.

1.
The Post Office

Get
ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply
in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it
long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the
minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your
mail every day is junk mail and
bills.

2.
The Check

Britain
is already laying the groundwork to do away with check by
2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year
to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will
lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right
into the death of the post office. If you never paid your
bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would
absolutely go out of
business.

3.
The Newspaper

The
younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They
certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition.
That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for
reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in
mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper
and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met
with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone
companies to develop a model for paid subscription
services.

4.
The Book

You
say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your
hand and turn the literal pages I said the same thing about
downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD.
But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get
albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the
latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You
can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before
you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real
book. And think of the convenience! Once you start
flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find
that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next,
and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a
book.

5.
The Land Line Telephone

Unless
you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't
need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've
always had it. But you are paying double charges for that
extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call
customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your
minutes.

6.
Music

This
is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music
industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal
downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given
a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed
and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio
conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the
music purchased today is "catalogue items," meaning traditional
music that the public is familiar with. Older established
artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit.
To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out
the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the
video documentary, "Before the Music
Dies."

7.
Television Revenues
To
the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the
economy. People are watching TV and
movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing
games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used
to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated
down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates
are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30
seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time
for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the
people choose what they want to watch
online and through
Netflix.

8.
The "Things" That You Own

Many
of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives,
but we may not actually own them in the future. They may
simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard
drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and
documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always
re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing.
Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest
"cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer,
the Internet will be built into the operating system. So,
Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the
Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the
Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the
cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud
provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or
your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld
device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own
any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any
moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives
be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the
closet and pull out that photo album, grab a
book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the
insert.

9.
Joined Handwriting (Cursive
Writing)

Already
gone in some schools who no longer teach "joined handwriting"
because nearly everything is done now on computers or keyboards of
some type (pun not
intended)

10.
Privacy

If
there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it
would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long
time anyway.. There are cameras on the street, in most of the
buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone.
But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you
are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street
View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion
profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits..
"They" will try to get you to buy something else. Again and
again and again.

All
we will have left that which can't be changed.......are our
"Memories".



And some of us have already lost that!!!!!

































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Old 03-18-2015, 10:31 AM   #689
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We've already tossed many of the disappearing things from our lives but the post implies them disappearing is bad and yet in most cases it's an advancement.

1. The post office-Far more efficient ways of communicating. Post office may become just a delivery company, completing deliveries for UPS and Fedex as they have started doing. But we do everything possible paperless and in our business we require all vendors to invoice electronically.

2. The check-We never write them. Far better and easier means of transacting payments.

3. The newspaper-my wife just said "ewwwww". They stink, the newsprint covers your hands and makes them black. Far easier ways to read the news. Hold a tablet in your hands. Does anyone miss road maps?

4. The book-we haven't bought a book in ages that was available in another form and last books we bought were as collector's items. Why have a bookshelf full of books when you can have thousands on a small device.

5. Land line telephone-They still exist? Ok, businesses have them. Cells will replace in business when they can easily be routed through switchboards. Fax was a reason for land line but most of that being done electronically now.

6. Music. I don't see music dying. In fact it's become easier for new aspiring artists who can hit the public eye through You Tube and can sell through iTunes. To me just changing channels of distribution and less control by a few producers. It's becoming more driven by the public than the industry moguls.

7. Television revenues-Down? I don't think so to this point. Distributed more widely. Major networks less dominance. Now will some of this switch to other means of distribution? Yes. But that doesn't make it not television. Cable companies will continue to evolve. They get it either way as now they're your internet providers too. Even satellite being taken over by people like AT&T. And sports packages getting all time high astronomical prices when the leagues or teams renegotiate.

8. Things that you own. Funny thing is that the swing for businesses to not own but instead license software started decades ago. The thing that has made it easier for individuals is now everyone being hooked up to the internet so subscriptions easily verified. Cloud is just an extension of the concepts of networking. In business long ago the desktop units started becoming fairly empty shells with everything held on the network, so now it moves to the cloud. As to photos and such we may store on the cloud, but I don't see people not maintaining some form of local copies too. Talking about ownership, we had the shifting away in autos years ago, but then it's shifted back.

9. Handwriting. Other than my signature I haven't written in cursive in decades. I rarely print either. I fill forms out on computer, scan and fill. I type. I don't write. The advantage is that you get typed things from people you can actually read them. Use to have a coworker who wrote in the most beautiful and perfect cursive, like an artist. Was so difficult to read.

10. Privacy. Any assumption one makes of privacy today is a false one. It's gone. It hasn't been what many believed for decades but now any information is available to the general public. Before it was just law enforcement. Once to do criminal background checks you had to get the police department to run them and wait weeks. Now you just go online and run them. There are aspects of this loss of privacy that really bother me. Not the government part, but that everything you do is becoming public. I strongly dislike facebook, twitter and the rest, not because of the concepts but the use. People disclosing things that belong in a small circle of their closest friends at most. College applicants not getting in because of their facebook accounts. People not getting hired for the same reasons. Actually learning far more about people than I care to know. I liked just knowing my employee was a good worker and seemed like a sweet kind person. I don't want to know they were at a party Saturday night and got drunk or they're for or against guns or legalized pot or any of a million other things. I don't want to know their politics or religion. I try to tell every young person that there is no privacy online. You post it, it's for the world. Yet, I see people post on facebook how horrible their job is and what a jerk their boss is. Then they're surprised they lose that job. School teachers losing jobs because of photos their "friends" post of them in compromising situations. Is there such a thing now as one's private life?

Very interesting list. Not sure I'd call it "humor" but enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Honestly, only bothered by one of the ten.

As to memories, mixed on that. There are some of us who have some periods of time, such as childhood, we have largely forgotten and think of that as a blessing. Oh thank goodness for selective memory. Now, Alzheimer's is a terrifying condition and that does scare me.
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Old 03-18-2015, 05:16 PM   #690
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The person who is saying something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
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Old 04-01-2015, 09:53 AM   #691
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A bloke walked into a crowded bar, waving his Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip in the air.

He yelled,

"I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the room called out….

"You gonna need more ammo."
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Old 04-04-2015, 03:40 PM   #692
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Old 04-05-2015, 09:25 PM   #693
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Confucius

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...



Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
  • Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

  • Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

  • Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

  • Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

  • Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

  • Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

  • War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

  • Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

  • It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

  • Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

  • Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

  • Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

  • Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

  • Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Old 04-10-2015, 06:31 AM   #694
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What does it mean when the flag at the USPO is at half mast?





THE ARE HIRING!
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Old 05-05-2015, 10:44 PM   #695
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Greetings,
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
My son, said one proudly, has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are and ask what line of work his son is in.
To tell the truth, Im not very pleased how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes gay.
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.
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Old 05-08-2015, 10:48 AM   #696
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Any Big Lebowski fans out there? I need one of these shirts to wear on my next trip to the range!
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Old 05-08-2015, 09:48 PM   #697
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How to be cruel to old guys!

AARP Eye Test
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Old 05-08-2015, 11:46 PM   #698
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bacchus View Post
AARP Eye Test

Anyone have this in larger size? Having trouble seeing it. 😄
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:05 AM   #699
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Now THAT is funny!

And the funny thing about it is we were all thinking the same thing!!!
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:18 AM   #700
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I already blew it up and printed. Gonna give copy to my eye doctor!
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