Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 02-09-2015, 12:43 PM   #661
Guru
 
Gulf Comanche's Avatar
 
City: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Country: U.S.A.
Vessel Name: Old School
Vessel Model: 38' Trawler custom built by Hike Metal Products
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 769
THE OLD PIANO PLAYER:
> >
> >
> > A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar.
> > Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he
> > took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the
> > window and handed it to the bartender.
> >
> > "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
> > "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in
> > 'Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill
> > was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to
> > play the piano at the Officer's Club happy hours, so
> > here I am."
> >
> > The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking
> > old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano
> > player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a
> > try.
> >
> > The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while
> > several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third
> > bar of music, every voice was silenced.
> >
> > What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike
> > anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there
> > wasn't a dry eye in the place.
> >
> > The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked
> > him the name of the song he had just played.
> >
> > It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm
> > Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long
> > pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote
> > it myself."
> >
> > The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the
> > piano player just went on into a knee-slapping,
> > hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
> > After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the
> > applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd
> > the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner
> > Light."
> >
> > He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone
> > in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the
> > latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby,
> > It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The
> > Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
> >
> > When he came out the bartender went over to him and said,
> > "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your
> > fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
> >
> > "Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied,
> > "Hell, I wrote it.
__________________
Advertisement

Gulf Comanche is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-12-2015, 12:33 PM   #662
Guru
 
Gulf Comanche's Avatar
 
City: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Country: U.S.A.
Vessel Name: Old School
Vessel Model: 38' Trawler custom built by Hike Metal Products
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 769
At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

''What chart doc?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall!'' the doctor said.

'What wall?' said the young man.

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill his quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room.

'Now what do you see son?'

"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your dick is pointing straight toward Paris Island, South Carolina. Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps."
__________________

Gulf Comanche is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2015, 08:08 PM   #663
Enigma
 
RT Firefly's Avatar
 
City: Slicker?
Country: Bumpkin?
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 8,067
Greetings,
__________________
RTF
RT Firefly is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2015, 12:43 PM   #664
Enigma
 
RT Firefly's Avatar
 
City: Slicker?
Country: Bumpkin?
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 8,067
Greetings,
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though
__________________
RTF
RT Firefly is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2015, 01:42 AM   #665
Al
Guru
 
Al's Avatar
 
City: ketchikan, Alaska
Country: usa
Vessel Name: 'SLO'~BELLE
Vessel Model: 27' Marben Pocket Marine Fly Bridge Sedan
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,186
It would be my guess that there a few "Old Cowboys" on here that would like an old time western parody.-- Al

https://www.youtube.com/v/mYP-2UCS5nY
Al is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2015, 02:12 AM   #666
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by Al View Post
It would be my guess that there a few "Old Cowboys" on here that would like an old time western parody.-- Al

https://www.youtube.com/v/mYP-2UCS5nY
Al - You're damn near nutty! But, that's perfectly OK!!
Art is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2015, 02:14 AM   #667
Member
 
City: WHITE ROCK
Country: CANADA
Vessel Name: SUMMER II
Vessel Model: 34 MAINSHIP
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
Aging
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death.

Sad "huh" .

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your
heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later
that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

SUMMER2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2015, 02:18 AM   #668
Member
 
City: WHITE ROCK
Country: CANADA
Vessel Name: SUMMER II
Vessel Model: 34 MAINSHIP
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
The Explanation

The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because
they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something & when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names...










SUMMER2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2015, 10:28 AM   #669
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUMMER2 View Post
The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because
they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something & when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names...

That's why alcoholics who gain greater age and finally sober up are so smart and quick thinking in their 80's/90's. Proving that in heavy drinking "Blackouts" do serve a purpose... keeps storage room in the brain available for future usage by not filling it with years of meaningless, incidental minutia!
Art is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2015, 07:09 AM   #670
FF
Guru
 
FF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,908

An elderly couple just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One day, the wife was out of the home and decided to send her husband a romantic text message; she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband sent a text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."




FF is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2015, 09:28 AM   #671
Guru
 
Rustybarge's Avatar
 
City: I need a bigger boat!
Country: Ireland
Vessel Model: Cheetah 25' Powercat.
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 874
Some daily tips for easier living.


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop them

2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink

3. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button

5. If you've got a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be scared sh**less to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD 40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, then use WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, duct tape's the answer.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
__________________
Peter.
Rustybarge is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2015, 05:28 PM   #672
TF Site Team
 
dwhatty's Avatar
 
City: Home Port: Buck's Harbor, Maine
Country: USA
Vessel Name: "Emily Anne"
Vessel Model: 2001 Island Gypsy 32 Europa (Hull #146)
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,622
Australian Sharks to start culling humans

Sharks to begin human cull off the Western Australian coast | The Skewer
__________________
David Hawkins
Deer Isle, Maine
dwhatty is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2015, 05:37 PM   #673
Guru
 
City: Hotel, CA
Country: Fried
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7,676


Can't help but wonder if the spokesshark last name starts with a K?

__________________
Craig - AKA Some Clueless Idiot

The person who is saying something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
CPseudonym is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2015, 08:56 PM   #674
TF Site Team
 
dwhatty's Avatar
 
City: Home Port: Buck's Harbor, Maine
Country: USA
Vessel Name: "Emily Anne"
Vessel Model: 2001 Island Gypsy 32 Europa (Hull #146)
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,622
Quote:
Originally Posted by CPseudonym View Post


Can't help but wonder if the spokesshark last name starts with a K?

He gets left alone. Professional courtesy.

(Hope it would extend to me as well if I visited)
__________________
David Hawkins
Deer Isle, Maine
dwhatty is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2015, 09:36 PM   #675
Guru
 
O C Diver's Avatar
 
City: Fort Myers, FL... Summers in Crisfield, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Slow Hand
Vessel Model: Cherubini Independence 45
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,500
Know no one here has "Senior Moments", but maybe you know someone who does that you can forward this to:

Senior Moments

Ted
__________________
I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
O C Diver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2015, 09:57 PM   #676
Art
Guru
 
Art's Avatar
 
City: SF Bay Area
Country: USA
Vessel Model: Tollycraft 34' Tri Cabin
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 6,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by O C Diver View Post
Know no one here has "Senior Moments", but maybe you know someone who does that you can forward this to:

Senior Moments

Ted
Ted - Thanks for that post... I think...

Granddaughter hollered howdy as she entered the room... now, don't really recall what I was bout ta say!
Art is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2015, 08:15 PM   #677
Guru
 
mbevins's Avatar
 
City: Windsor
Country: Canada
Vessel Name: Keeper IV
Vessel Model: 44 Viking ACMY
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 974
Father O’Malley, an Irishman, was transferred to a parish in Texas. He rose from his
bed the next morning, fine spring day. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get
the full view of the beautiful day outside. He saw there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley
at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me
front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care
of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and
recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good
father. "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you
people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment or two. Then
Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to
notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call!"
__________________
"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."

mbevins is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2015, 06:53 AM   #678
Guru
 
Rustybarge's Avatar
 
City: I need a bigger boat!
Country: Ireland
Vessel Model: Cheetah 25' Powercat.
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 874
At a school near you!
Teacher taking the register.

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen!
__________________
Peter.
Rustybarge is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2015, 04:20 PM   #679
Curmudgeon
 
BaltimoreLurker's Avatar
 
City: Stoney Creek, MD
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Moon Dance
Vessel Model: 1974 34' Marine Trader Sedan
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,540
One for the private pilots

The rest of the story
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	Han.jpg
Views:	95
Size:	29.8 KB
ID:	37998  
BaltimoreLurker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2015, 05:04 PM   #680
Guru
 
City: Hotel, CA
Country: Fried
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7,676
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaltimoreLurker View Post
The rest of the story

Needless to say, that plane wouldn't make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
__________________

__________________
Craig - AKA Some Clueless Idiot

The person who is saying something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
CPseudonym is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Nautical Humor skipperdude Off Topic Forum 0 05-19-2011 01:37 PM




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:20 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2006 - 2012