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Old 12-14-2014, 01:05 PM   #601
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A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
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Old 12-14-2014, 02:55 PM   #602
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Being a Home Depot affectionado, I thought that was funny. I'm going to have to hang out in the paint department more than I do now...oh wait, I didn't mean it that way...
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Old 12-14-2014, 07:25 PM   #603
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Married 50 + years -Priceless! ..

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:18 PM   #604
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Can anyone guess the caller's hair color. (Er, sorry my dear! Something evil made me post it.)

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Old 12-15-2014, 05:31 PM   #605
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Can anyone guess the caller's hair color. (Er, sorry my dear! Something evil made me post it.)

Blue - She sounded old with blue hair! As I recall... living in Camden/Rockport towns decades ago... old blue haired women in Maine loved to play with peoples minds. Such as I HOPE was the case there!

Otherwise, obviously, blond...
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:40 PM   #606
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As I recall... living in Camden/Rockport towns decades ago... old blue haired women in Maine loved to play with peoples minds.
They still do. Even after their own minds have departed. Then it gets really confusing for all involved.
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:42 PM   #607
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They still do. Even after their own minds have departed. Then it gets really confusing for all involved.
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Old 12-19-2014, 08:18 PM   #608
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Here`s the sage advice of Scottish comedian and raconteur, Billy Connolly:
"Before you judge a man,walk a mile in his shoes.
After that, who cares? He`s a mile away and you have his shoes!"
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Old 12-21-2014, 09:58 AM   #609
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Greetings,
Ain't it the truth?

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Old 12-21-2014, 10:46 AM   #610
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Greetings,
Ain't it the truth?

And, if I may add:

Anything you invent at any age is the way it should be... everyone should buy at least one of your products.
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Old 12-21-2014, 11:28 AM   #611
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Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ...

Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ...
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some *******
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind
him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?
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Old 12-21-2014, 06:15 PM   #612
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19 Irish Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
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Old 12-23-2014, 06:53 PM   #613
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Old 12-23-2014, 10:09 PM   #614
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RT, you've done it again!
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Old 12-27-2014, 09:13 AM   #615
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An oldie Christmas wish. This could go in OTDE, but I'd like to keep it light and just enjoy the humor.

To My Liberal Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

To My Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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Old 01-02-2015, 09:30 PM   #616
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GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so
he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
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Old 01-04-2015, 09:30 AM   #617
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Grandad is staying with grandaughter. At breakfast she asks him how he slept. "Well I had to get up to go to the toilet during the night but God looked after me, He turned the light on for me." "Oh no" she says to her hubby, "He's been pissing in the fridge again."
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Old 01-08-2015, 08:32 AM   #618
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https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/emb...art=82&end=321
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:02 AM   #619
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Don - I've got tears from laughing! - Thanks!
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:29 AM   #620
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Alan Funt lives!

Hilarious.
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