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Old 11-11-2014, 06:08 PM   #581
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An elderly gentleman is walking down the sidewalk when he meets a friend of his that has a beautiful, well put together, 25 year old woman on his arm.

The guy, knowing that his friend is over 90, asks how he is doing. His older friend says, "never better. In fact I just got married".

So the younger friend pull him aside, and says, "you old geezer she is just after your money".

The older man says, "well, what's your point".
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Old 11-12-2014, 06:52 PM   #582
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Justin Trudeau says we should create harmony by learning Arabic. We might as well ALL get on the band wagon.

The Liberal Party wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture.
This is my very first attempt at translating English into Arabic. What do you think?




I think this could be fun!
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Old 11-13-2014, 07:21 AM   #583
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Dont we have a member with a machine shop?

That could make these up for us?
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Old 11-13-2014, 09:30 PM   #584
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We'd probably get arrested.

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Old 11-13-2014, 09:52 PM   #585
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THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he
has never had sex with another woman .

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback
and he has no experience with women.

She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other......
So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.

All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says,

"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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Old 11-13-2014, 10:20 PM   #586
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Melbourne International Airport
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne .
Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Victorians can be so polite!

Melbourne Tower
: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R
Allah be Praised."



Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air
: "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower
: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"


Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi"



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Old 11-17-2014, 09:31 AM   #587
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The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”


The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”


The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.”
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:20 PM   #588
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Old 11-23-2014, 02:16 PM   #589
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Obama Golf

Click the link with sound on.

https://soundcloud.com/mrose5/obama-golf
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Old 11-23-2014, 03:39 PM   #590
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Click the link with sound on.

https://soundcloud.com/mrose5/obama-golf
All I can say, is: Bend Over!



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Old 11-24-2014, 11:32 AM   #591
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Click the link with sound on.

https://soundcloud.com/mrose5/obama-golf
In this case it would be BOHICA!


Bend Over Here It Comes Again!
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Old 11-25-2014, 08:29 AM   #592
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I must have a weird sense of humor.....


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Old 11-26-2014, 05:51 AM   #593
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed, place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store".

So, she calls the pet store. The man says "I'll be right over".

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME..."
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Old 11-26-2014, 05:52 AM   #594
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This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour. No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side???


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Old 12-05-2014, 12:00 PM   #595
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Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!!
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Old 12-06-2014, 09:48 AM   #596
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Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Wow, that one has been making the rounds for some time.

But you need not reach back that far for a laugh. You can see the current REAL Darwin award winners at, uh, darwinawards.com.
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Old 12-06-2014, 10:10 AM   #597
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The Scopes "monkey trial" proved that Darwin's theory was wrong.
Further proof that he is wrong is simple observation ..... if he was correct, all these idiots would have been extinct by now
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Old 12-06-2014, 05:09 PM   #598
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The Marine Installer's Rant: Boaters Maintenance Academy
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Old 12-09-2014, 04:55 PM   #599
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A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw?the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'
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Old 12-12-2014, 11:06 AM   #600
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The Final offer

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store…there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss…but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses."
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