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Old 05-09-2012, 06:31 PM   #41
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There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.


The first mate responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"


The first mate went straight to the sailors' berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:


Someone may come along and promise "Change"

But don't count on things smelling any better.
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Old 05-11-2012, 05:39 AM   #42
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> *Gun Collector* > > You may have heard on the news about a southern California man > put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he > owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 > rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured > a secret escape tunnel. > My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He > has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." > The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!" > > By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds > would be called "mentally unstable." > > Just imagine if he lived elsewhere: > > In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector." > > In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector." > > In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd > probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a > corresponding quantity of stored food. > > In Colorado and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood > 'Go-To' guy." > > In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate." > > In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor." > > In Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Texas he would > be called "a deer hunting buddy." > > And, in Tennessee, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo. > >
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Old 05-28-2012, 05:32 AM   #43
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair. But, by turning to religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,
and we're stoning her in the morning.

~ ~ ~

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
~ ~ ~
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting, "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
~ ~ ~
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son, that's three schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
~ ~ ~
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
~ ~ ~
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up."
~ ~ ~
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
~ ~ ~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
~ ~ ~
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
~ ~ ~
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
~

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Old 05-29-2012, 06:05 PM   #44
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Future CEO.
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:02 AM   #45
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Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!

-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
--------------------- --------- --------- ----

Coca-Cola was originally green.
--------------------- --------- --------- ----

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
--------------------- --------- --------- ----

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:


Alaska
--------------------- --------- --------- ----

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)

--------------------- --------- --------- ----

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
--------------- ------ --------- --------- --------- ---------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The average number of people airborne over the U..S. in any given hour:

61,000
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander, the Great


Diamonds - Julius Caesar

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the
letter 'A'?

A. One thousand
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in
common?

A. All were invented by women.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled
on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey
month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England , when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'.
.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Many years ago in England pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or
60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go lick your elbow.

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Old 05-31-2012, 05:31 AM   #46
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The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.

The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 19th century.

But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Billings, Montana.”

”Really,” she said. “I have family in Billings.”

“I know.” the man said. “I regret to tell you, however, your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Getting screwed by a lawyer
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Old 06-04-2012, 08:10 AM   #47
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I've always wondered.
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Old 06-04-2012, 08:57 AM   #48
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Every 20 seconds, somewhere on this earth, a woman gives birth to a child...she must be found and stopped.
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Old 06-08-2012, 12:31 AM   #49
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Shark Attack

WTF -- or -- You've had one too many!
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Old 07-09-2012, 04:33 PM   #50
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The Cost of a Phone Call


GeorgeBush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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Old 07-15-2012, 11:01 AM   #51
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Greetings,
For our friends down under...

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Old 07-16-2012, 12:51 AM   #52
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Boudreaux and Marie's 50th anniversary
Boudreaux and Marie were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their fiftieth anniversary. Boudreaux remarked", You know Cher, it's been fifty years since we sat here for our first breakfast together." Marie replied, "Yeh, an' if I remembers right, we was nekked as jaybirds dat morning." Boudreaux asks her, "Cher, what you tink? Should we get nekked?" Marie, of course agrees, and they strip off all of their clothes, and sitting back, Marie says, " Oh Boudreaux, my breasts are as hot for you today as dey were fifty years ago." Boudreaux tells her, "Mais, I guess so, one of dem is in your coffee, an' de other one is in your oatmeal!"

It's a different take on an old joke from one of my best friends in Grand Isle, LA.
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Old 07-16-2012, 08:28 AM   #53
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I wouldn't bank on that, RTF, if I was you....
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Old 07-16-2012, 08:42 AM   #54
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Greetings,
Well Mr. B, the whole exercise is somewhat moot as I don't have a shopping bag.
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:10 PM   #55
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:00 PM   #56
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This pic was on another thread. I had to modify it a bit.


How to tie a boat, so it can't get away!

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Old 08-30-2012, 09:51 AM   #57
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Used boat sale?
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:52 AM   #58
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Oh, and in the story that emerges, the wife finds out that the girlfriend was his passenger.
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:26 AM   #59
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Is that a gas can in the aft port quarter? Out of fuel and blown/washed up on the rocks at high tide?
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:24 AM   #60
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Interesting Items

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth.


If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 millionindividual flowers.

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower airdensity.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.

Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to
reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:
In 2012,December has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui,the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.





















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