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Old 10-29-2014, 06:49 AM   #561
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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"



She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.



"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"



Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."



"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"



Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.



The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."



She heard a loud whisper: "F---! those Japs."



"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.



Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."



Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"



Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"



Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."



The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"



Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."
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Old 10-29-2014, 10:57 AM   #562
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The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,


'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I willgrant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.


'God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how shefeels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I canmake a woman truly happy.


God replied:

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:07 AM   #563
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Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ..

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.





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Old 10-31-2014, 10:14 AM   #564
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Today (well tonight) is Halloween. So here ya go:
Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex
1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

4. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

5. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else because you
are.

6. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

7. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

9. Less guilt the morning after.

10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
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Old 11-01-2014, 09:14 AM   #565
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SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she decides to tell the taxi driver that ‘I will be out soon, He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Old 11-01-2014, 02:39 PM   #566
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on . The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the=2 05 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
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Old 11-02-2014, 08:27 AM   #567
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Greetings,
Ya'll know you're in the south when....
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Old 11-03-2014, 02:06 PM   #568
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If you ever do the west coast, in Monterey, at the Presidio museum, they have the history of the fort there, including a recipe for possum something or another - for the whole battalion, so it starts out with "50 - 60 possum, skinned"..... and goes downhill from there.

Of course, those types of dinners are historic here in The South, just not at those quantities.
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Old 11-03-2014, 09:48 PM   #569
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While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely in November 2014

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Old 11-06-2014, 06:58 AM   #570
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Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax."
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:56 AM   #571
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rambler View Post
If you ever do the west coast, in Monterey, at the Presidio museum, they have the history of the fort there, including a recipe for possum something or another - for the whole battalion, so it starts out with "50 - 60 possum, skinned"..... and goes downhill from there.

Of course, those types of dinners are historic here in The South, just not at those quantities.


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Old 11-06-2014, 08:05 AM   #572
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ONE OF THE FAVORITES DOWN HERE NOW IS POSSUM ON THE HALF SHELL !! (armadillo)
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Old 11-06-2014, 08:58 AM   #573
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, “it’s dark in here.”
The man whispers, “yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball,” the boy responds.
“That’s nice.”
“Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together.


“It’s dark in here,” the boy begins.
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove.”
The man thinks about the last time they were in the closet together, and decided to cut to the chase — “How much?”
“$750.”
“Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and play some catch!”
“I can’t. I sold them.”
“How much did you sell them for?”
“$1,000,” the boy replies, smilingly widely.
His father responds, “it’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church to confess.”

The two go to church, and the boy’s father escorts him to the confession booth. Once inside, the boy states, “it’s dark in here.”
The priest replies, “don’t start that crap again!
"
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:58 AM   #574
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Originally Posted by jimbob View Post
ONE OF THE FAVORITES DOWN HERE NOW IS POSSUM ON THE HALF SHELL !! (armadillo)
How about sun dried possum road kill jerky?
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Old 11-06-2014, 04:42 PM   #575
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How about sun dried possum road kill jerky?
VERY NUTRITIOUS SNACK !! LOW IN CALORIES AND SATURATED FAT
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Old 11-07-2014, 08:41 AM   #576
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Here are some questions... So really … WHY??

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why doesn't Jane have hairy armpits / legs / bikini line?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that “S” is in the word “lisp”?

Why If people evolved from apes… are there still apes?

Why if there are still apes… are there people?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why is it there is NEVER a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

Why is it when you reach behind s cabinet to put two prong plug in wall at home there is way more than 50% chance you need to flip it 180 degrees

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


Why in winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why is it we can actually have a relationship, emotions included, for inanimate objects such as boats, cars, motorcycles? And, if it is a classic our emotions get way stronger?
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Old 11-09-2014, 06:39 PM   #577
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1960's WD40 Adv.
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Old 11-09-2014, 07:08 PM   #578
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A riddle:

You're riding a horse.
Next to you is a giraffe.
A lion is chasing after you.

What should you do?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Stay off the "merry go round" when you're intoxicated.

Ted
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Old 11-10-2014, 09:43 AM   #579
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Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"


"Aww , shit," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
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Old 11-10-2014, 09:44 AM   #580
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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
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