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Old 09-07-2014, 06:41 AM   #521
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Bambi Mom sausage for Me!
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Old 09-08-2014, 06:20 AM   #522
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

this is so true
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the menwho will enjoy reading it.



























Personal Thought: 1) True! A married man should forget his mistakes; but he can't, for he is being reminded of them constantly. 2) A man NAPS; a woman NAGS.































































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Old 09-08-2014, 12:55 PM   #523
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BALLS
> INTERESTING OBSERVATION
> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
> 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
> 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
> 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
> 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
> 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION
> The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
> There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
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Old 09-08-2014, 01:50 PM   #524
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FF View Post
BALLS
> INTERESTING OBSERVATION
> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
> 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
> 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
> 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
> 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
> 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION
> The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
> There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
I guess I'm urban poor middle management. I lost my marbles long ago.
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Old 09-08-2014, 02:41 PM   #525
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FF View Post
BALLS
> INTERESTING OBSERVATION
> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
> 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
> 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
> 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
> 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
> 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION
> The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
> There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
I'm Bi-Sportual! With BIG Balls!! - LOL
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Old 09-08-2014, 03:02 PM   #526
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Wifey B: No comment on all the balls and my favorite sport......nope nope nope....
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Old 09-08-2014, 03:15 PM   #527
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Wifey B: No comment on all the balls and my favorite sport......nope nope nope....
Say No More! Say NO MORE!!!!
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Old 09-10-2014, 02:11 AM   #528
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President Obama's approval ratings are so low now - the Kenyans are now accusing him of being born in the United States.
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Old 09-19-2014, 05:44 AM   #529
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Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.





1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )





2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)





3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)





4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)





5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)





6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.. (Millie, age 6)





7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off


eating beans. (William, age 7)





8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)





9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)





10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)





11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)





12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)





13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)





14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)





15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)





If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humour.


















































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Old 09-20-2014, 12:55 AM   #530
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Best Blond Joke!

Really pretty blond chick driving too fast down hwy in a Mustang

Good looking blond female cop takes pursuit

Blond in Mustang pulls over

Blond Cop comes to her window and says show me your license

Blond in Mustang fumbles in purse and then asks... what does it look like

Blond Cop says: It's got your picture on it

Blond in Mustang fumbles some more and comes across small mirror; into which she looks and sees herself, sooo, she figures that looks like a picture. Hands it to blond cop

Blond cop takes the mirror and looks at it. Then hands it back to the blond in Mustang... saying, sorry I didn't realize you are a cop too. Have a good day!
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Old 09-20-2014, 01:58 AM   #531
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Craig - AKA Some Clueless Idiot

The person who is saying something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
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Old 09-23-2014, 06:00 AM   #532
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Distracted Driving Incident
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph
With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving
And when I looked back, she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In allThe confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked

My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into my coffee which was
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins.
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!












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Old 09-23-2014, 02:26 PM   #533
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Now that there is just funny no matter what they say.
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Old 09-23-2014, 02:26 PM   #534
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Check your shampoo bottle label. (I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!)
The shampoo I use in the shower? When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! No wonder I’ve been gaining weight!!!
I’ve gotten rid of that shampoo and I will start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!
If I don't answer the phone it’s because I’m in the shower!!!
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:28 AM   #535
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now, and I am just looking for a girl with big tits.



--


"Instead of, 'do what you love,' perhaps the more effective mantra for the entrepreneur, the linchpin and maker of change might be, "love what you do.
If we can fall in love with serving people, creating value, solving problems, building valuable connections and doing work that matters, it makes it far more likely we're going to do important work."
--Seth Godin

"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." -- Marcus Aurelius
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Old 09-30-2014, 11:08 AM   #536
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Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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Old 10-04-2014, 07:14 AM   #537
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Va-va-va-vroom

Va-va-va-vroom

Mention Ferrari and images of sleek, red road machines come to mine.

That's the way the Italian sports car maker likes it. And it is not amused
that a French woman has registered the word Ferrari as a surname.

If the woman toiled away in anonymity, Ferrari probably wouldn't have
batted an eye. But Lolo Ferrari makes her living on the French nightclub
circuit, where her breasts are a major attraction. At a surgically-enhanced
130 centimeters, its no surprise.

When she changed her name from Eve Valois and registered the Ferrari
name with France's National Industrial Property Institute, the carmaker
decided enough was enough.

Lolo's lawyer, Serge Potaut, doesn't know what the fuss is all about.

“There can be no question here of competition, imitation, or an attack on
the image of the Ferrari car trademark”, he said.

“The only common denominator she could possibly have with the car is on the chassis level,...but there is no risk of confusion.”
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Old 10-04-2014, 11:19 AM   #538
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As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.


They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.


Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses.


The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr President, please accept my deepest regrets...
I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".


Obama, always attempting to be 'Presidential' responded "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.

Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses".
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Old 10-09-2014, 11:41 AM   #539
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New ISIS Threat

Major crisis looming….

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, and… other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.

It’s gonna’ get ugly, people ………
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Old 10-10-2014, 03:54 PM   #540
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Three guys walk into a restaurant .....

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."


The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.


Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening
up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!"
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