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Old 06-12-2014, 08:46 AM   #481
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Good one RT.
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Old 06-22-2014, 01:55 AM   #482
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Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non racist version of "Snow
White") has been put on hold. All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer,
Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe".
They also say they have no frigen intention of "Going off to work".
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Old 06-26-2014, 10:32 PM   #483
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A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's Emergency Room with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me and It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply: "Can I feel your tits, then?"

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
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Old 06-26-2014, 11:30 PM   #484
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On a roll tonight!!''


A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
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Old 06-27-2014, 08:45 AM   #485
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "Hey pirate, is that a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrg, it's driving me nuts."
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:02 AM   #486
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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.



When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on the table.



The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.



Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.



The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?



The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:30 PM   #487
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pure smut...where are all these coming from?


The Gorilla and the Redneck:

A small zoo in Connecticut obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Danny Zwick, a redneck former insurance industry executive and now part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Danny, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Danny was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Danny showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Danny said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Danny said, "I want all the children raised in my faith." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Danny said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
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Old 06-29-2014, 11:44 PM   #488
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A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says, "...had a tough day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says, "...another bad day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said, "Man, doesn't anybody in your family like women.

The man bursts into tears, then replied, "Yeah, My wife"
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:10 PM   #489
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Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit............

This ******* looked ​ ​
at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a
few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of ​ ​
you."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really ​?​
" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so ​?​
"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
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Old 06-30-2014, 09:30 PM   #490
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Continued...

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

In a dark pub man sees three girls leaning over the bar with knees on the bar stools
So he yells, hey blonde, you - the one in the middle, there’s a rip in center of the seat of your pants
She says how’d ya know? Never thought anyone’d see it being this dark
He tells her... no need seeing it... just follow my nose!

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

One woman says to another... my, my you look pretty!
Other women says to complimenter... you gotta be kidding, I just got up
First woman points toward a man and says... ask him, you’ll see
Man looks em both up and down, then replies, you both look like sluts to me... wanna pull a three way!

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

So a guy walks into a church and blows out all the candles
Constituent comes quickly over and loudly chastises him... now just why did you do that?
He says quiet down bitch, dark enough now so I can take you just like yesterday on this same pew
She says, well sir, that certainly was not me... he says, who cares it’s you NOW!

To Be Continued...
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Old 07-01-2014, 03:30 PM   #491
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A little Chicago humor!



I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago.
People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset because someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".



I almost ran off the road!
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Old 07-02-2014, 07:40 PM   #492
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>THE BEAR REMOVER
>
>A man
>wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
> looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
>Removers."
>
>He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
> minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's
>got a
> ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
>
>"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
>
>"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
> up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
>When
> the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
> not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
>in
> the cage in the back of the van.."
>
>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
> the homeowner.
>
>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Old 07-03-2014, 07:08 PM   #493
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For your door
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Old 07-04-2014, 08:26 PM   #494
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I now have a new hero



When I get older I want to be like him,

woops, I am old, like him?





As you may know, ammunition is in real short supply and last night a man in his 80's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15 5.56

NATO round ammo at the local sporting goods store.

On his way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven station for some gas where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump

next to his

She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "Hey old timer, I'm a big believer in barter, would you be

interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought for a moment and replied, "Yep, I might be, what kinda ammo ya got?"
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:17 PM   #495
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Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:25 AM   #496
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When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an importanthuman body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are posting and reading jokes on the internet.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:40 AM   #497
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan . He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:50 AM   #498
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After Nigeria was eliminated from the soccer world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refundall theexpenses of fansthat travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:03 AM   #499
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2 cows - updated

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor



COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk



FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk



NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you



BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income



ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.



SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
the cow has dropped dead.



A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.



A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
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Old 07-19-2014, 08:13 PM   #500
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