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Old 04-05-2014, 06:17 AM   #441
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THE BLONDE MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.............

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell
forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday







































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Old 04-06-2014, 07:45 PM   #442
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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of
judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right
through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to
Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan
Would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the
best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said: "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people
aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those" Satan groaned: "They're all from Ontario. They're still too
cold and wet to burn."
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Old 04-08-2014, 12:08 PM   #443
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I'll probably get kicked off the forum for this! KJ

So you think you're having a bad day.....
then you step outside of your house.....

and look up into the beautiful blue sky....


. . .and see this !!!



All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you say to yourself, “Now that's a big ass balloon !!!”
. . . and things don't seem quite so bad !
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Old 04-08-2014, 01:03 PM   #444
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Note to self... Don't open the Humor thread while eating lunch ever again!
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Old 04-08-2014, 04:18 PM   #445
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Looks photo shopped to me.
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Old 04-12-2014, 01:25 AM   #446
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Face IT - After making it past Tuesday... Even the Next Three Weekdays Say WTF!!

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Old 04-13-2014, 06:41 AM   #447
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SOUTHERN HUMOR
Florida



A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.






Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.






Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."






The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought maybe you were bringing her back.






"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.







Georgia



The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.



He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"



The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthing but my earrings."







Louisiana



A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .."



When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."







Mississippi



The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"



Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"



The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."







North
Carolina



A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.



A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.



The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."



The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"



The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."




Tennessee



A State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"



The driver replied, "Bout whut?"







Texas



The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."



"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage."











Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.












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Old 04-13-2014, 07:09 AM   #448
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Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:


"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a massive failure because of the following:


In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx





I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. I am past sixty-five.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"


"Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"


Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"


"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" I said.


He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No" I said... he looked at me and said "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

--





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Old 04-13-2014, 07:14 PM   #449
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The state of New Jersey today announced that it is changing the state flag to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:07 PM   #450
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A city salesman took a new route that included a bunch of Midwest farms. New to the job, he tried to fit in with the country style of speaking. He pulled his car up to a farmhouse to make a call, and there was a funny looking boy sitting on the front porch. "Hey kid, where's your Pa?" Boy answers: "He's out back screwing a goat." Salesman was rather stunned, thought for a second, and asked the boy: "Doesn't that bring about strange offspring?"

Boy answers: "N-a-a-a-a-h."
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Old 04-15-2014, 10:27 AM   #451
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Now that's so b-a-a-a-a-a-d.
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:46 PM   #452
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The Art Of Conversing With Your Spouse




With a very seductive voice Erika asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"




"No," said her husband.



She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.



He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.



She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't," he said, an anxious tone In his voice.



She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.



He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.



"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"



"No way!" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:



"Go look in the garage."
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Old 04-16-2014, 12:40 PM   #453
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:20 PM   #454
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:37 PM   #455
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Now THAT is funny!!!
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Old 04-18-2014, 05:51 AM   #456
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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?



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Old 04-18-2014, 11:19 AM   #457
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I'm enjoying all of the spirited banter on this site. Here is one of mine...

When I was in kindergarten, if you had a 64 color pack of crayola crayons with the sharpener, you ran that damn classroom!
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:23 PM   #458
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wazoo View Post
I'm enjoying all of the spirited banter on this site. Here is one of mine...

When I was in kindergarten, if you had a 64 color pack of crayola crayons with the sharpener, you ran that damn classroom!

Crayola didn't come out with their brand sharpner till I was in 3rd grade! We used a lot of blunt-end crayons. Six crayons to a box in KG when I attended. Big red cardboard stackable blocks (about 6" x 4") were king equipment in my K class! This shows age difference... and... that ain't no joke - or is it??
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Old 04-19-2014, 12:57 AM   #459
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I remember those days, it's been a long hard journey and almost time to retire and do something really different.
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Old 04-19-2014, 01:07 PM   #460
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Spare a thought for the guy wh told his wife that he was going on a business trip to China aboard the ill-fated Malaysian flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.
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