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Old 03-04-2014, 06:17 AM   #421
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Subject: THE VENTRILOQUIST



A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in
a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the colour
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
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Old 03-05-2014, 06:27 AM   #422
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Some Jokes from Jewish Comedians
(There is not one swear word in their comedy)
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. “
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that “Won Ton” spelled backward is “Not Now”.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers. A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
A man called his mother in Florida , “Mom, how are you?”“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”The son said, “Why are you so weak?”She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it? The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” “The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.



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Old 03-05-2014, 05:20 PM   #423
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Greetings,
A bit too technical for me but...
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Old 03-07-2014, 07:19 AM   #424
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I want one!

Do you think it can replace the banjo bolts on my Perkins?

Or maybe it would hold better in grass than a Rocna?

The price seems pretty reasonable, compared to what they want for other boat parts.
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Old 03-07-2014, 01:28 PM   #425
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A couple was celebrating 50 years together.




Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.


"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."


"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."


"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you
were able to come."


Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."


After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father,

"And cheap ones too."
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Old 03-07-2014, 01:29 PM   #426
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Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancÚ got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
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Old 03-07-2014, 06:24 PM   #427
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Texting

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no
excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his
gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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Old 03-09-2014, 11:13 PM   #428
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"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma , Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerging from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took... The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
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Old 03-10-2014, 11:02 AM   #429
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A sailor who has been out at sea for two months stops at a brothel. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The sailor replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
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Old 03-13-2014, 08:58 AM   #430
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For you Hockey Fans.
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Old 03-13-2014, 09:28 AM   #431
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Why Old Guys Stay Unemployed.


Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Older Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Older Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."
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Old 03-13-2014, 01:48 PM   #432
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Quote:
For you Hockey Fans.
And more hockey. If only elections ended this way.

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Old 03-17-2014, 10:47 AM   #433
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Sitting together on a train were Pres. Obama, George W. Bush,a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later There is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the Blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried To grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled The old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
;
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, So I can slap the ---- out of Obama again!!
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Old 03-17-2014, 03:49 PM   #434
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For St. Patrick's Day

An Irishman is sitting in a pub minding his own business. Three Englishmen come in and see him.

The first says, "I'll get his goat." He goes up the Irishman and says, "St. Patrick was a liar." The Irishman calmly says, "I'll drink to that."

The Englishman walks away and tells his friends. The second Englishman says, "I'll get him."

He goes up to the Irishman and says, "St. Patrick was a homosexual." The Irishman calmly says, "I'll drink to that."

Stunned, the Englishman returns to his seat and tells his friends. The third Englishman says, "You just don't know how to do it. I'll get him."

He goes up to the Irishman, gets close to his face and says very loudly,

"St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!!"

The Irishman looks up, calmly points to the other Englishmen at the end of the bar and says,

"Yeah, that's what your two friends were telling me!"


Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

The Almighty made Beer and Whisky to stop the Irish from ruling the world!

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Old 03-17-2014, 04:07 PM   #435
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My buddy turns 65 today:

One day a huge explosion at a chemical plant produced a raging fire. Minutes later, fire trucks sped in from all corners of the city. The owner of the chemical plant told the fire chief in charge that all the valuable formulas were in a safe in the company offices, located in a part the burning plant, and offered $100,000 for the safe rescue of the formulas.
The firemen worked relentlessly and bravely, but couldn’t stop the fire. The reward was doubled, but to no avail. The fire was spiraling out of control.
Then just as things were looking bleak, they heard a siren in the distance. Seconds later another fire truck raced in at full speed with a company of volunteer firemen, all retired guys 65 and older. The volunteer fire truck never even slowed down, just crashed right through the inferno into the center of the burning building. The old guys jumped out of the truck and started firefighting like maniacs. Finally they managed to control the fire, and eventually extinguished it. The valuable formulas were saved. The plant owner was deliriously happy.
He found the volunteer chief and told him about the reward. “So what are you gonna do with all that money?” he asked.
“Well the first thing,” replied the chief, “is we’re gonna get the brakes fixed on that damn truck.”
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:19 AM   #436
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Murphy's Other Laws :

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Collingwood would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:19 AM   #437
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THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.


When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.


The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!


If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor.
Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.

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Old 04-03-2014, 05:41 AM   #438
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Daddy , how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:43 PM   #439
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife shouts at him, "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! So what the f* did you bring him around for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married!"
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:43 PM   #440
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A drunken man stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stands next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says: “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk looks back and says; “Yes preacher, I am sure.”
The minister pushes the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asks
“Nooo I didn’t!” said the drunk
The preacher then pushes him under the water for quite a while and brings him up and asks: “Now my brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Nooo, I have not Reverend!” says the drunk
The preacher in disgust holds the man under the water for about 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone: “Now, have you found Jesus yet?”
The drunk wipes his eyes looks at the preacher and asks.
“Are you sure this is where he fell in???”
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