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Old 02-14-2014, 03:32 AM   #401
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British Pub Signs

Some signs....

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posted outside British pubs
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Old 02-16-2014, 12:11 AM   #402
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Noah's Ark

really funny comedy skit,....perhaps some are too young to remember

Bill Cosby's 'Noah & the Ark'

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Old 02-16-2014, 04:15 AM   #403
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A classic, by a class individual
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Old 02-18-2014, 09:59 AM   #404
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Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona


Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona
Dear Diary:
August 2: Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country. I love it here!
October 14: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise!
November 11: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here!
December 2: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.
December 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold!
December 19: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow!
December 22: More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the ****ing street, the *******!
December 25: "White Christmas" my busted ass! More ****ing snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid bastard. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.
December 28: Guess what? More white shit fell last night. Been inside since Christmas ****ing day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white shit 10" is?
January 1: Happy ****ing New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white shit this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the shithead driver had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white shit he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his God damned head.
January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a God damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the ****er. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer shit-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the ****ing hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that ****ing salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of shit!
July 1: Moved to Arizona! I can't imagine why anyone on their right mind would ever move to that God Forsaken State of Wisconsin.
July 2: Saw a wonderful sunset this evening. I now understand "Purple Mountains Majesty". Why do people live anywhere but here?
July 3: A lightning storm came last night. The sky was all lit. It was truly awesome! This morning the sky is "transparent". I can see into Mexico. Arizona is a phenomenal state!
July 4: Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and desert blended together, what a place. Watched the fireworks at the park laying out on a blanket. It was glorious! I've finally found my home.
July 5: Really heating up, got to 100 today, not a problem, live in an air conditioned home and drive an air conditioned car. Life's full of tradeoffs. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
July 7: Had the back yard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today but I love it here.
July 10: The temperature has not been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat. At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.
July 15: Fell asleep at poolside, got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days work. What a dumb thing to do. I've learned my lesson! I really respect the old Sun in a climate like this.
July 20: I missed Tabby our cat sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen to the size of a shopping bag and exploded over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat.
July 25: Dry ****ing Heat my Ass. Hot is hot! I'd be cooler living in my oven. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman wants $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts.
July 30: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1100 ****ing dollar house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
August 4: 117 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and can only cool the house down to 90. Stupid ass Mexican repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this ****ing state.
August 8: If another shithead cracks, "Hot enough for ya today", I'm going to tear his ****ing throat out. Arizona is hot! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are dripping wet with sweat and I smell like roasted ****ing Garfield.
August 10: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to **** for 2 stinking months. And the weatherman says it might really warm up this weekend. Doesn't it ever rain in the barren damn desert!
August 19: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 128 degrees today. Forgot to crack a window and blew the ****ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The Mexican installer came to fix it, and said, "Hot enough for ya today." My wife had to spend the stinking $1100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
August 30: Hottest day of the God damn summer. I'm not even leaving the house. Water rationing has been in effect all summer so the $1700 worth of my "low maintenance" cactus in the yard just dried up and blew into the ****ing pool Even a cactus can't live in this heat! I can't cool off in the pool now! The pool is full of ****ing needles and every ****ing time I ****ing attempt to clean the ****ing cactus needles out of the ****ing pool filter I shred my ****ing hands.
That does it, we're moving back to Wisconsin in time for deer season!!!
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Old 02-18-2014, 02:15 PM   #405
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A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary
is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"


"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now".
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Old 02-18-2014, 09:32 PM   #406
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Quote:
Originally Posted by D.M.D. View Post
Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona
Dear Diary:
August 2: Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country. I love it here!
October 14: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise!
November 11: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here!
December 2: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.
December 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold!
December 19: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow!
December 22: More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the ****ing street, the *******!
December 25: "White Christmas" my busted ass! More ****ing snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid bastard. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.
December 28: Guess what? More white shit fell last night. Been inside since Christmas ****ing day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white shit 10" is?
January 1: Happy ****ing New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white shit this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the shithead driver had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white shit he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his God damned head.
January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a God damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the ****er. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer shit-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the ****ing hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that ****ing salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of shit!
Man Busted For Hitting Plow Driver In Head With Shovel During "Snow Rage" Attack | The Smoking Gun

Looks like this guy moved to Massachusetts!
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Old 02-19-2014, 05:43 AM   #407
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,,,,but the blondes we know are really smart,,,,,,.

BLONDES Are The Best!!!

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Blondes Are The Best!!!
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Old 02-24-2014, 05:37 AM   #408
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Funny but true....Jeff Foxworthy

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots by Jeff Foxworthy

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents ’permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country! How about we give God a reason to continue blessing America!

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Old 02-24-2014, 12:52 PM   #409
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Forget Galileo...Here are the REAL LAWS You may have seen this before, but it’s good for a review. . .

Law of Mechanical Repair –
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity –
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability-
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers –
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law –
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

Variation Law –
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath –
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters –
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result –
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics –
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena –
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law –
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers –
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces-
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument-
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance –
If the clothes fit, they're ugly..

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking-
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy –
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law-
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
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Old 02-24-2014, 06:24 PM   #410
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BASS PRO SHOP'S BLIND CASHIIER

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop in Calgary to buy a rod and reel for her grandson¹s birthday. She doesn¹t know which one to choose so she takes one over to the counter. The Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir, Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then
realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
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Old 02-24-2014, 06:30 PM   #411
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Old 02-24-2014, 07:37 PM   #412
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Old 02-24-2014, 08:32 PM   #413
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.....
Schweet!!!!!
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Old 02-25-2014, 03:16 AM   #414
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Romantic Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding
hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the
table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully,
began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just
slid under the table"

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
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Old 02-26-2014, 05:47 AM   #415
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The $50 Lesson:


Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
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Old 03-02-2014, 08:14 AM   #416
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A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:46 PM   #417
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Back When We Were Stewardesses, Not F/AS





No doubt all, or most of you could add to these ~ ! Those of you

who are junior & missed all this - yes, it really could be like that!!







-- As a soon to be off probation First Officer on the Airbus, I came to the jet and met a very senior Long Island momma who was already in the galley building her nest. It was 0530 in the AM and she had a cigarette lit with a 3 inch ash hanging off it that moved as she talked. She had her hair up in a bun that looked like it could have housed 5 of her 12 cats that she shared a one bedroom apartment with. She sounded like a frog-throated Parris Island DIas she barked at me in a thick NY accent, "Hey sugar-britches, I been here 30 years and gave up sweating 20 years ago so turn on the Air Conditioning, alright?". The CA shows up and we get ready to go. About ten minutes before scheduled out time, she pops her head in the cockpit and says to the boss "Hey junior, we ain't in this for the sex on layovers anymore so how about you pop the brakes so we can start getting paid, alright?". She was a classic.
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-- I had a #1 that came up going into Seattle and wanted to know what mountains those were. Well I said that's Mt Baker off the right and Mt. Ranier on the left. But you know recently they hanged the name of Mt Baker to Mt Fuji. Yeah, the guy that owns the Fuji film company moved there and donated a bunch of money to the local town so they named the Mt after him. She said OK thanks, someone wanted to know. She left and I never heard otherwise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I was a new FE on DC10 ... senior FA kept complaining about the cabin temp being too cold. I thought I
was doing great. After several complaints, she finally came up and said "It ain't the hot flashes, it's just too cold."
With that she unbuttons her shirt and lifts up her bra. She says " When these ole nipples stick up like this it ain't because o'you, it's because I'm frickkin cold. Now can you you warm it up?"
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-- In a previous life, a particular FO did not have the best of
landings on one of our trips. After clearing the runway the
interphone rings, it is the #4 who proceeds to ask whose
landing that was. I tell her the FO's, why? She says to tell the
FO "if his dick is as hard as that landing that she is on her way
up to the cockpit".... I almost ran off the taxiway laughing my
ass off.
-------------------------------------------------------------
-- As a new engineer, the Captain 'warns' me in ops about our
#1-Brenda. She sizes up new-hires by grabbing them by the 'package'.
Sure enough, I walk on the 72, and there she is, standing in front of the cockpit door. I stop in front of her. With a hint of a smile, she grabs a hand-full of my manliness and says, my name is Brenda. I sit my kitbag down, put one hand on each tit, and say, Hi-my nameis Greg. With a loud laugh she tells me that she and I will get along just fine, and we did - for the next 20 years. I miss you Brenda – and I miss the Airline we used to fly for.
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-- So here I am ... squeaky FNG (F-ing new guy) on the 767 ... triumphantly returning from Paris as the FO...flying back to Miami . I roll onto the ILS to 9R, fly a perfect profile ... and then planted it like I was going for carrier landing of the year. The closest thing I could use to describe the touchdown would be the sound the guys make when they are emptying trash dumpsters and put them back on the ground at 0500.
-- Anyway, we get to the gate, the skipper clicks off the seatbelt sign and 1/1000 of a second later, the the cockpit door pops open (pre 9/11) and a pair of leopard spotted panties fly up onto the throttle quadrant.
The Captain grimaced and looked away...the FB said "Uh oh" and I just sat there dumbfounded (typical for me, BTW). Anyway ... the #1 walks in a few seconds later and booms loudly "God dammed kid ... if you wanted to get my panties off ... all you would have had to do is ask"!
She then told me to get my ass out there and take credit for that crash landing.
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Ah yes...the good old days...

-- Prior to 911 when FAs came into the cockpit and on occasions stayed awhile, we were in a B-727 westbound on a very clear day when the sun overhead and behind us showed a very distinct shadow of the contrail on the ground just ahead of us. Young FA asked what that line on the ground was. Without thinking I told her it was the border between Kansas and Nebraska , to which she replied

"OH, I always wondered how you guys always know where we are!"
--------------------------------------------------------
-- Chicago to LA 15 years ago, young FA comes up to tell us that Eddie Van Halen is on our rather sparsely occupied jet. He gets up to use the lav. She calls him into the galley and closes the curtain to ask him for his autograph, which he provides using a black sharpie marker. She comes into the cockpit to show my FO and I his signature and penmanship by unbuttoning her shirt and undoing the front clasp bra to expose her entire chest with "Best Wishes, Love Eddie Van Halen" Classic stuff. She says 'I can't wait to show my Mom, she loves rock and roll'
-----------------------------------------------------------------

--Two women get onto the Fokker and sit in 1st class, they are obviously strippers/hookers by the way they are dressed, seriously trampy. The #1 comes flying up to the cockpit mouth agape. Having spotted them in the boarding area I tell her they are famous adult film stars .... "Amber Waves and Tiffany Crystal". The #1 runs off to find the manifest to get their real names. I am now giggling to myself. The Captain who was in his late 40's, never married due to anal/ego/complete lack of humor/personality issues and will remain nameless overhears the exchange and says to me ... "you know they are not porn stars right? I would know, because I follow that industry very closely and I have never seen them".....
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-- I've also had one believe (at least for a few minutes) the irrigated fields were "pizza farms".


-- Nope, those are the fields used to graze special cows that produce round steak ... I would gladly add more to this thread but I would get fired, divorced or both.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
--Flying RDU-DFW with a group of new hires doing their work trip. Capt. is a long, tall Texas sorta boy with a really dry sense of humor.
Dinner's over and each of the new girls visits the cockpit. The last little girl is barely "out-of-the-box", blond (what else?), pixie cut, 5 foot nothing.
She's on the jumpseat in the -80 and we're about over MEM when Capt says "ain't that a beautiful sunset ma'am?" Eyes as big as saucers she replies (and I'm not kidding): "I've never seen a sunset before..." Capt and I both turn around and look at her. He says "excuse me ma'am?" To which she replies: "I was born on the East Coast in Virginia Beach and you have to be on the West Coast or on a mountain or in an airplane to see a sunset!" After a while she leaves. Captain ponders all of this turns to me and says without cracking a smile... "Someday some young feller's gonna think he's got himself a hellova catch there".




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Old 03-03-2014, 07:40 AM   #418
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Peppermint


I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!


I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him. . .
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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Old 03-03-2014, 08:18 AM   #419
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New poster girl for the NRA...

Get Out Of The Car!
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida: An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
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Old 03-03-2014, 11:46 AM   #420
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So someone asked to race my boat against a sportfish today, I told them first one to Europe wins.
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