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Old 01-23-2014, 10:10 AM   #381
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Subject: An old lady's prayer

An old lady's prayer

In church I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:


"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Paul Newman, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and now my favorite author Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid.

Amen."
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Old 01-23-2014, 01:29 PM   #382
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Careful...

I actually got an in-person visit from the secret service over a bumper-sticker.

I ain't sayin', I'm jus' sayin'.
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Old 01-23-2014, 04:48 PM   #383
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Originally Posted by MC Escher View Post
Careful...

I actually got an in-person visit from the secret service over a bumper-sticker.

I ain't sayin', I'm jus' sayin'.
Do you have a picture of the bumper sticker?
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Old 01-23-2014, 06:53 PM   #384
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I never actually found out which bumper sticker it was.

I would never even have known that the visit was because of a bumper sticker if it wasn't for the fact that I was friends with the chief of police.
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Old 01-27-2014, 07:38 PM   #385
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Old 01-28-2014, 11:21 AM   #386
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Originally Posted by MC Escher View Post
I never actually found out which bumper sticker it was.

I would never even have known that the visit was because of a bumper sticker if it wasn't for the fact that I was friends with the chief of police.
I don't think that it was the bumper sticker, but rather that suit of armor you go around in.
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Old 01-28-2014, 05:04 PM   #387
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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old

dishevelled man, but with no success.


Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...

"The balcony."
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Old 01-29-2014, 01:00 AM   #388
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I don't think that it was the bumper sticker, but rather that suit of armor you go around in.

But we have a plan!
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:12 AM   #389
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Bless me father.....

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession.




When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man




said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our




neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the




Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."




The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have




no need to confess that."




"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual




favours.This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'




The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,




you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those




circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.




However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."




"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one




more question."




" And what is that?" asked the priest.




"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:44 PM   #390
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On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.""But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?""Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"
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Old 02-01-2014, 06:40 AM   #391
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Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for Baked Beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love.


When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on". So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.


Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late, because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.


Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed, delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight". He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.


It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.


Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin and placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.


She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.


Apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was 'surprised'. There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"...
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Old 02-01-2014, 06:46 AM   #392
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Clear and to the point.
There's an annual contest at Bond University, in Australia,calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term was "political correctness".
The winning student wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."


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Old 02-02-2014, 06:27 PM   #393
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Six more weeks of Winter!

Looks like one of those west coast lake marinas.
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Old 02-02-2014, 07:33 PM   #394
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Hey! We resemble that remark!

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Old 02-06-2014, 07:57 PM   #395
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Greetings,

Einstein's birthday is March 14. He would now be 127. Few people
remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be
known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:22 PM   #396
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:15 AM   #397
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:25 PM   #398
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When I grow up!!
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Old 02-12-2014, 02:48 PM   #399
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Blood Hound

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Old 02-12-2014, 05:16 PM   #400
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