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Old 03-15-2012, 09:32 PM   #21
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Humor

They say that your hearing is the second thing to go.******** KJ

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-- Edited by KJ on Thursday 15th of March 2012 10:15:47 PM
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Old 03-16-2012, 08:41 PM   #22
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RE: Humor

A middle aged man and a young 10 year old boy are walking through the woods late at night...

The young boy says "Gee Mister, I sure am scared walking through these woods in the dark"...

The man says "You think YOU'RE scared - I have to walk out of these woods by my self!"
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Old 03-17-2012, 05:14 AM   #23
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RE: Humor

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the US government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already know, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."
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Old 03-17-2012, 05:30 AM   #24
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RE: Humor

An oldie ,but a goldy .
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Old 03-17-2012, 04:14 PM   #25
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RE: Humor

TIGHT SPOT


The ZIPPER



In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.



Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know
who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."



*
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:29 PM   #26
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RE: Humor

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Old 03-21-2012, 12:23 PM   #27
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RE: Humor

hurch Ladies With typewriters.*
They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* *
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.*

--------------------------*
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'*

--------------------------*
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------*
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------*
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.*

--------------------------*
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.*

--------------------------*
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.*

--------------------------*
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------*
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.*

--------------------------*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------*
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------*
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------*
Potluck supper Sunday at*5:00 PM*- prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------*
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------*
This evening at*7 PM*there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------*
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at*10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.*is done.

--------------------------*
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.*

--------------------------*
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at*7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------*
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at*7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.*

--------------------------*
Weight Watchers will meet at*7 PM*at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------*
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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Old 03-24-2012, 05:52 PM   #28
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RE: Humor

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/f...rtbuttboat.jpg
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:47 PM   #29
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Senior Love.......
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.


All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.
'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:06 AM   #30
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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
''NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued,'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out:"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!!"

It's a curious race, the Irish.
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:19 AM   #31
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IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.





John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.





John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.






John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.





Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.





A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.





Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.





Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
the bar, one said to the other,

"Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

















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Old 04-02-2012, 11:09 AM   #32
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The Pumpkin Patch

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.



The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.



The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around’ he stated.



Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.



In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’



Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .



‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??’



He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’



The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as ‘Best come-back line ever.’

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Old 04-02-2012, 11:35 AM   #33
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Good one.
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Old 04-04-2012, 07:47 PM   #34
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Greetings,
Ever wonder what that Nigerian you sent all your money to looks like ?
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:28 PM   #35
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DANGEROUS

SAFER

SAFEST

ULTRA SAFE

What's for
dinner?

Can I help you
with dinner?

Where would you like
to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you
wearing that?

You sure
look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you
so worked up about?

Could we be
overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.

Should you be
eating that?

You know, there are
a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece
of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you
DO all day?

I hope you didn't
over-do it today.

I've always loved you
in that robe!

Here, have some wine.
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Old 04-19-2012, 11:11 PM   #36
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Passport Application

PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER

THIS IS PRICELESS:ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT


Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every s tupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for
my #*&#%*& address.

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do somethi ng weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile... Hey, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!


Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 177 6. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor....... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you a**holes want to run our health care system?????
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Old 04-20-2012, 06:35 PM   #37
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Greetings,
Two fellows meet at an airport.
"Well hello Bob. We haven't seen each other in 30 years. How have you been and what are you up to?"
"Hello Arthur, good to see you. Yes it's been a long time. Well, I'm an insurance salesman, pretty successful, have two wonderful kids and three grand kids who I adore but I'm married to the spawn of Satan. Other than that, things are OK."
They chatted about old times for a while longer whereupon Bob asked...
"What have you been up to Arthur?"
Well Bob, I'm a hit man for the Mafia and rolling in dough. 22 year old girlfriend and drive a new car every year. Sorry to hear you're in such bad shape, wife wise. Tell you what. Since we were such pals in college, how's about I "solve" your wife problem?"
"Well....I don't know Arthur...."
"Awc'mon Bob, I'll do it for a buck!"
After a bit more coaxing, Bob agreed and gave Arthur her schedule...
"She does her grocery shopping every Thursday at 10 o'clock".
They parted company and Bob thought nothing more of it.
The following Thursday Arthur stalks Mrs. Satan at the store follows her out to the parking lot where he chokes her to death. The store clerk sees this and Arthur chokes him too. The head cashier witnesses the whole thing and Arthur does her in as well. By this time the police show up and make the arrest.
The next day the newspaper headlines read "ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT PIGGLY WIGGLY.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:24 AM   #38
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Awww those last two were good. I'll have to relay those to the family...
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:28 AM   #39
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I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the cr�s.

Velcro, what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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Old 05-04-2012, 12:40 PM   #40
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

this is so true
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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