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Old 01-11-2014, 02:52 PM   #361
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The guys I have lunch with asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, tired, and pee a lot...
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I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
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Old 01-12-2014, 03:35 PM   #362
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Old 01-13-2014, 05:16 AM   #363
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MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Old 01-13-2014, 08:59 PM   #364
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While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?".
Obama responded, "Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."


The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Obama thought a moment, then after grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.”
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi in his bed.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good....
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Old 01-14-2014, 06:06 PM   #365
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...the next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi in his bed.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good....
Can I get an amen up in here!

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Old 01-14-2014, 06:29 PM   #366
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as Churchill said: The sun never caught me in bed,
I close the curtains
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Old 01-16-2014, 05:45 AM   #367
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Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:



Medical Term

Redneck Definition

Artery

The study of paintings

Bacteria

Back door to cafeteria

Barium

What doctors do when patients die

Benign

What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section

A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan

Searching for Kitty

Cauterize

Made eye contact with her

Colic

A sheep dog

Coma

A punctuation mark

Dilate

To live long

Enema

Not a friend

Fester

Quicker than someone else

Fibula

A small lie

Impotent

Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain

Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff

A Doctor's cane

Morbid

A higher offer

Nitrates

Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days


Node

I knew it

Outpatient

A person who has fainted

Pelvis

Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative

A letter carrier

Recovery Room

Place to do upholstery

Rectum

Nearly killed him

Secretion

Hiding something

Seizure

Roman Emperor

Tablet

A small table

Terminal Illness

Getting sick at the airport

Tumor

One plus one more

Urine

Opposite of you're out

No need to thank me. I forward this as a community service.










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Old 01-16-2014, 10:05 AM   #368
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The future for some of us?
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:14 AM   #369
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The future for some of us?

LOL! Excellent.

'Stones!
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Old 01-16-2014, 05:39 PM   #370
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Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.


"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.

"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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The five stages of life: Sailboats, Motorboats, Motor Homes, Nursing Home, Funeral Home.
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Old 01-16-2014, 05:42 PM   #371
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Good one Ron
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Old 01-16-2014, 06:27 PM   #372
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Good one Ron
Agreed!
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Old 01-17-2014, 04:35 PM   #373
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Many of us have had close call with the law after having a few to many and then driving home. Couple days ago I was out and had to many adult beverages with some friends of mine. I knew I was way over the line so I did something I had never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough 1/2 way home there was a check point and being as I was in a cab I was waived right through no problem. I was really surprised by this. Now the cab is in my garage, I do not where I got it, and I am not really sure what to do with it.

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I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
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Old 01-18-2014, 08:53 PM   #374
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"


Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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Old 01-18-2014, 09:21 PM   #375
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And now we have:

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Old 01-19-2014, 08:20 AM   #376
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Old 01-21-2014, 08:17 AM   #377
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Blond Men

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is
on a Friday this year."

The blond man then said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

------------------------------------
Two blond men find three
grenades, and they decide to take them to a police

station. One asked: "What if one
explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll
lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and
said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are
having sex.
The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well
the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."

------------------------------------
A blond man is in the bathroom and his
wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to
do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his
goldfish.
"I think it's got
epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It
seems calm enough to me".

The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't
taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his
doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the
phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks
the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her
husband!"

------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a
skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then
another, then another.
A cop car pulls him
over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air
freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail.. Guard looks in
his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?"
he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond
replies.

"It should be around your neck"
says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but
then I couldn't breathe".

------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...sort
of...)

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why
do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they
fell forward, they'd still be in the
boat."
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Old 01-21-2014, 01:07 PM   #378
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Old 01-21-2014, 06:36 PM   #379
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...can you drive a truck???
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Old 01-23-2014, 09:27 AM   #380
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A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your
husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't
remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband:

"I love you sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person,
and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies :



1. Who the hell is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?


3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??


4. What now? Did you crash the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What the heck did you do now?


7. ?!?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how
much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually
for, someone will die.


11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
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