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Old 12-20-2013, 06:08 PM   #341
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Greetings,
It all makes sense now....
Did BEER create modern society? Ancient man developed agriculture to brew alcohol and not to bake bread, claims scientist | Mail Online
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Old 12-20-2013, 07:11 PM   #342
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It does indeed!
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:37 PM   #343
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order,and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie : "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."
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Old 12-24-2013, 06:01 PM   #344
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A Christmas Smile

A young man named Fred received a
> parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
> bad attitude and an even worse
> vocabulary.

> Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
> laced with profanity. Fred tried and tried to change
> the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
> soft music and anything else
> he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

> Finally, Fred was fed up and he yelled at the
> parrot. The parrot yelled back.
> Fred shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
> more rude.

> Fred, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
> him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
> and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
> for over a minute.

> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Fred quickly opened the door to the
> freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Fred's outstretched arms and
> said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
> actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
> I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
> behavior."

> Fred was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

> As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
> change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask
> what the turkey did?"

Merry Christmas ... and enjoy
your turkey dinner!
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Old 12-25-2013, 08:49 AM   #345
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A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental Christmas train.







Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room,
they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.


At 1: 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently
woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am...?
I'm sorry
to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket?’
I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for
tonight......let's pretend that we're married'


'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..


'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'


After a moment of silence...he farted.


The End
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Old 12-27-2013, 09:27 AM   #346
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How to cook Christmas dinner. Can this be adapted to trawlers?

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?f...&v=niegc7QcilM
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Old 12-29-2013, 09:05 AM   #347
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Send a message via Skype™ to Alemao
Very good, I'll try :-)
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:02 AM   #348
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There are several recipe books on cooking on a diesel engine
here is one
Diesel Dining: The Art of Manifold Cooking: Cecil Jorgensen, Kathleen Szalay: 9781594331268: Amazon.com: Books

another is Manifold Destiny
Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!: Chris Maynard, Bill Scheller: 9781416596233: Amazon.com: Books
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Old 12-30-2013, 05:06 PM   #349
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

--------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

--------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

--------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

--------

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'

--------

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . ..!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:37 PM   #350
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EXTREME BARBIE JEEP RACING 2013 AT RBD - YouTube
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Old 01-06-2014, 08:22 AM   #351
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Ooops!

Not sure if this one has been posted before but a buddy of mine sent it to me and it's pretty funny. Our finest at work!!

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Old 01-06-2014, 10:58 AM   #352
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First time I saw that Goat Rope, I laughed so hard I cried
We now use that video in our training courses...during the loading/unloading and trailering segment....especially the LEO/Fire Rescue classes. It's a hoot!!!
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Old 01-08-2014, 04:35 PM   #353
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"God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service."
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Old 01-08-2014, 05:52 PM   #354
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”
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Old 01-08-2014, 06:02 PM   #355
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Old 01-10-2014, 11:00 AM   #356
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Crows in Boston

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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Old 01-10-2014, 11:18 AM   #357
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Greetings,
Mr. b. THAT one I like. Thanks
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Old 01-11-2014, 06:03 AM   #358
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Marketing Explained

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one in the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Facebook.
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:41 AM   #359
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^^^^^^
That's freaking awesome!!!!
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Old 01-11-2014, 02:49 PM   #360
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An Atheist in the Woods

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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