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Old 11-25-2013, 10:14 AM   #301
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she
demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:29 PM   #302
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^^^^^^^^^

Awesome....
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Old 11-25-2013, 11:23 PM   #303
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one
ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have
three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a
Revenue Canada genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
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Old 11-27-2013, 05:12 PM   #304
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Old 11-27-2013, 05:21 PM   #305
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Recieved this by email today, had to post it, now running and ducking for cover

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be
used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand
is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of
proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New
Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
humor)!
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Old 11-27-2013, 06:53 PM   #306
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http://youtu.be/Bq6i4MnKfqM
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:12 PM   #307
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Dilger View Post
Recieved this by email today, had to post it, now running and ducking for cover

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II..............
Please tell the Queen," nobody takes a cucumber sandwich eater seriously...........nobody!

Ted
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Old 11-27-2013, 10:15 PM   #308
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"[/B][/I][/COLOR]

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"[/B][/I][/COLOR]

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.[/B][/I][/COLOR]


Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."[/B][/I][/COLOR]


Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"[/B][/I][/COLOR]


Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.[/B][/I][/COLOR]

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"[/B][/I][/COLOR]
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Old 11-27-2013, 10:27 PM   #309
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Originally Posted by Mike Dilger View Post
Recieved this by email today, had to post it, now running and ducking for cover

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

...

God Save the Queen!
Now that thar is purty damn funny, youknowwhatimean? I damn near spit out my gnat piss right past my one good tooth!
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Old 11-27-2013, 11:20 PM   #310
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Now that thar is purty damn funny, youknowwhatimean? I damn near spit out my gnat piss right past my one good tooth!
Is that a banjo that I can hear in the background.

Still running.....
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Old 11-27-2013, 11:22 PM   #311
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Please tell the Queen," nobody takes a cucumber sandwich eater seriously...........nobody!

Ted
Sorry Ted, but I don't have a communication channel to deliver that message. I am sure she will not answer a call on CH 16, but I will give it a try.
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Old 11-27-2013, 11:37 PM   #312
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The Queen, The Queen, The Queen

This is Siesta with a message from Ted, do you copy?

........

........

No answer......

Sorry Ted, will try again tomorrow.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:25 PM   #313
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'Cornish - Three Kick Rule'


An English lawyer went duck hunting near Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees
.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.


Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:51 AM   #314
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Friend incarcerated

Greetings,
A good friend has to spend a long time in jail. Here's how it happened...
He lives near the coast in an isolated community of, for want of a better description, eccentrics. Almost everyone has some sort of exotic pet. My friend decided, since he has a massive swimming pool, to buy two dolphins. Never one to conform to the law he neglected to get a permit.
Seems these dolphins somehow had developed a taste for gull's eggs. Wanting to keep the dolphins as happy as possible he used to make trips to the coast to rob gull's nests but in order to accomplish this he had to sneak across his neighbors property.
His neighbor happened to have two African lions. Magnificent beasts! The only way he could sneak by was to go at night when the lions were asleep. He was able to keep his dolphin's well supplied until catastrophe struck. Someone called the authorities and he was charged under the Mann act.
"Transportation of underage gulls across sedate lions for illegal porpoises."
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Old 12-04-2013, 08:25 AM   #315
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... Someone called the authorities and he was charged under the Mann act.
"Transportation of underage gulls across sedate lions for illegal porpoises."

Awesome play on words
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Old 12-05-2013, 11:27 AM   #316
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Confused about Birthday

This past summer my wife was just drinking her first cup of coffee and I said you know you have a birthday coming up pretty soon.
Wife : Yeah I know But I can't remember if I'm going to be 46 or 47 ?
Me: I said well I know you not going to be 46
Wife ang I can't beleive I'm going to be 47!!!! Ughhh
She was so serious about it.
Me: Not 47 either Honey you're going to be 57
Wife : What ?? Oh yeah your right .
Me : I'll get you another cup of coffee.

I guess we are only as old as we feel .
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Old 12-05-2013, 11:25 PM   #317
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Tis the season
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Old 12-06-2013, 01:45 AM   #318
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Tis the season
FAA lalala laaaa la la la laaaaa
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Old 12-06-2013, 02:18 AM   #319
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In the spirit of Christmas, I share with you this...



...cartridge in a bare tree.
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Old 12-06-2013, 05:40 AM   #320
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In the spirit of Christmas, I share with you this... ...cartridge in a bare tree.
Hahaha stealing this and posting up at work haha
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