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Old 11-04-2013, 10:49 AM   #281
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Thank you Mr. Foster.
That little diddy just brightened up my day!

OD
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Old 11-04-2013, 12:59 PM   #282
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Thanks Off Duty.

I'm glad it brought some brightness to you. Times like that make cruising well worth it to me. Even went times get hard, I can always think of something that happen when cruising to make me laugh and places a smile on my face.

Happy cruising.

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Old 11-12-2013, 07:40 AM   #283
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Spiders on Drugs

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Old 11-12-2013, 07:52 AM   #284
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Larry,

That was hilarious!!!

Popped a cap in it's ass...
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Old 11-12-2013, 01:44 PM   #285
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Old 11-13-2013, 05:32 PM   #286
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Country Preacher

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible...
2. A silver dollar...
3. A bottle of whiskey...
4. And a Playboy magazine...

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

He is going into politics...
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Old 11-14-2013, 09:34 AM   #287
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An engineer dies and presents himself at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied withthe level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hellhas air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, theengineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineeris going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are yougoing to get a lawyer?

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Old 11-14-2013, 10:09 AM   #288
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two cannibals were chatting:
- I can not stand my mother in law
- Then eat just the potatoes
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:03 AM   #289
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...
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:12 AM   #290
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Couple funny ones.
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:55 AM   #291
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Now that was some funny stuff! Thanks
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:54 PM   #292
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Ethical Dilema

After a client has left his office, the lawyer finds $500 cash in the chair the client has just vacated. He really needs the money right now and is sorely tempted, but his conscience is bothering him. Should he keep the money, or should he split it with his partners?
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Old 11-21-2013, 09:23 PM   #293
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Some more and this found this on face book "How To Simulate Being A Sailor" 1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. 2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. 3. Repaint your entire house every month. 4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. 5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high. 6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints. 7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them. 8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. 9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week. 10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. 11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. 12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." 13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months. 14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." 15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you. 16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500. 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans and butt kits over the fantail!" 18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. 19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row. 20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, "Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!" 21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. 22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. 23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. 24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this "Midrats".) 2 5. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. 26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond. 27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. 28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200, saying, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors). 29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!" 30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (remember guarding the clothes line or trash cans?) 31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work. 32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long. 33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking. 34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. 35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front. 36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry. 37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. 38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home. 39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house. 40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping
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Old 11-21-2013, 09:27 PM   #294
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These guys are tough. I don’t remember any wars they've had since 1953, so these medals must be for heroism in marching, posturing and praising the dear leader.
North Korean officers… could be easily defeated with a giant magnet...
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Old 11-22-2013, 12:58 PM   #295
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N4712 View Post
...these medals must be for heroism in marching, posturing and praising the dear leader.
Reminds me of when my daughter was in brownies (Jr Girl Scouts.) Maybe they're merit badges?
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Old 11-22-2013, 04:28 PM   #296
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Ah, how cool we men are (we think)!

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Old 11-22-2013, 05:50 PM   #297
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O Well if we are into videos, I have not seen this one posted on the forum yet. Old standard with new captions. Al

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Old 11-23-2013, 12:29 AM   #298
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And as Christmas is about here: Why Not?- Al

> Sibbarpsrevyn - YouTube
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Old 11-23-2013, 04:19 PM   #299
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Old 11-25-2013, 10:13 AM   #300
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'Cornish - Three Kick Rule'


An English lawyer went duck hunting near Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees
.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.


Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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