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Old 10-20-2013, 11:30 AM   #261
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Paraprosdokians
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
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Old 10-21-2013, 02:23 PM   #262
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The Old:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.



2013 Updated Liberal Revision

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, free internet, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, free medicine, and he will vote Democrat the rest of his life--even after he's dead.
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Old 10-27-2013, 08:59 PM   #263
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.


AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT!


Ted
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I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:19 AM   #264
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Give a man a blanket and he'll be warm for a while. Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:26 PM   #265
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Ace Hardware
There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.


When I wasready to pay for my purchases of shotgun shells and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain about the Federal gun registration people running
amok, I did just as she had instructed.


When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was
referring to how I was to insert my credit card into the machine.


I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!!


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Old 10-30-2013, 03:58 PM   #266
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Scotch with two drops of water


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and
orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your
birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman
to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a
drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,
I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're
my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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Old 10-30-2013, 05:23 PM   #267
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Classmate

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?




Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.


This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.


After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .


'yes. Yes, i did.. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.


'when did you graduate?' i asked.


He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'


'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.


He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly,


old,


bald,


wrinkled faced,


fat-assed,


gray-haired,


decrepit ,


son-of-a-bitch


asked,

'what did you teach???
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Old 10-30-2013, 06:19 PM   #268
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The latest bunch of humor is quality no doubt. So I will attempt to keep pace:



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


Al-Ketchikan,(Bridge to nowhere) Alaska























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Old 10-31-2013, 10:57 AM   #269
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I suffered a deep, personal tragedy the other day...


I was at the Deli checkout counter, bantering with this cute young girl, when she said that I reminded her of her Grandfather.



And she meant it as a COMPLIMENT!



But, she gave me a free slice of pizza, so I let her live.




Age does teach you to be practical afterall...
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Old 10-31-2013, 01:37 PM   #270
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I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
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Old 10-31-2013, 04:16 PM   #271
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Quote:
Originally Posted by windmist View Post
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
That's a good one!
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Old 10-31-2013, 06:34 PM   #272
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dwhatty View Post
That's a good one!
I just sent it to my wife but she hasn't read it yet. ==========>
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Old 10-31-2013, 06:42 PM   #273
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaHorse II View Post
I just sent it to my wife but she hasn't read it yet. ==========>
A brave one or just plain crazy?
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:45 AM   #274
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Boating, Fishing, Siesta

The following story was found posted at the Club Cruceros in La Paz, Mexico:

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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Old 11-02-2013, 10:48 AM   #275
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22 thumbs up!
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Old 11-03-2013, 01:02 PM   #276
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Seen scribed on a wooden bench on top of the city walls of Valetta, Malta:

"I hate the world, but I love Gloria."
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Old 11-03-2013, 06:48 PM   #277
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A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. she gets into the the cab, and the notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him yhy he is staring,. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a num as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can d about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
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Old 11-03-2013, 08:06 PM   #278
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Okay- One more then that is it for the day!! Al

The Ventriloquist



A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.




Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community
And from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general..
Pathetically all in the name of humor!"




The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the Blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
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Old 11-03-2013, 08:09 PM   #279
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Roflmao!
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Old 11-04-2013, 10:06 AM   #280
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Cereal and milk true story.
My 19 year old daughter and I were heading out to Kelly Island early one morning this past summer. After casting off and clearing the break wall, my daughter came up to the fly bridge chomping on a bowl of fruit loops. Feeling a crawl in my tummy, I passed the helm off to her and went below to get me a bowl.
Returning to the bridge, I see my 5 foot nothing child that still has not reached the 100 lbs mark, perched on the back of the helm chair steering the vessel with her foot as she chomped away on her fruit loops.
Just as I sat down on the bench set, next to her, we took a nice little wave that rocked the vessel. As my daughter wheeled the helm and power up a little to straighten the vessel out, all with her foot and never spilled a drop. My bowl of fruit loops however, landed right in my lap. Needless to say, I was not a happy boater.
After I uttered a few choice words, my daughter through me a glance as she chomping away on her fruit loops than said flatly. “What’s the matter Pops, you getting too old to handle your fruit loops?”
I could not help it. I busted out laughing.
My daughter’s wit and humor always brightens my day even when I am covered in cereal and milk.
Happy cruising.
H. Foster
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