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Old 09-15-2013, 02:35 PM   #241
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyWright View Post
That's hysterical, Steve! I love it!

But you forgot a couple...

14 people - Light bulbs? Who uses light bulbs? We converted to LED years ago.

and...

One person to post a "PM sent" message on the thread.
Al, sent you a PM.
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:30 PM   #242
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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!...
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:23 AM   #243
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Two Irishmen flew to Colorado on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.

The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick:“Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied:“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
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Old 09-24-2013, 05:55 PM   #244
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Old 09-24-2013, 08:43 PM   #245
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If you live(d) in Maine, then these will make sense...

1. Traffic Jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Bangor for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave them both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are four empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all four seasons: almost wintah, wintah, still wintah and construction.
17. You actually understand these jokes and send them to all your friends from Maine.
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Old 09-26-2013, 07:30 AM   #246
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This one is a good one. However you need to know a little about England to get it.

So a quick reference guide for those who may need it.

1/ A 'scouser' is a native of Liverpool
2/ Steven Gerard a captain of Liverpool FC
3/ Wayne Rooney, a gifted footballer who plays for Liverpool's arch Rival, Manchester United, he was born in Liverpool, not generally considered the 'sharpest knife in the block'

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

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Old 09-27-2013, 05:51 AM   #247
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In the US I guess the crowd would be Bummer voters that cant read their issued High Skool diploma.
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Old 09-30-2013, 08:02 PM   #248
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Husbands do worry.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:37 PM   #249
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I can't remember if I posted this before, but if you watch until the end it's funny.

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Old 10-05-2013, 09:59 PM   #250
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Okay, thought I'd add some current humor to the site- al







































Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.









Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.



































































































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Old 10-06-2013, 03:33 PM   #251
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Okay, That was a groaner, This will make up for it- Al

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and there
was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A BirdPathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, toeveryone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOTAvian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",
not a single one could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!
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Old 10-06-2013, 04:11 PM   #252
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Al wrote:

"Okay, That was a groaner, This will make up for it- Al"

Now, the crow one was funny. In fact, it passed the ultimate test -- I forwarded it to my girlfriend. :-)

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Old 10-07-2013, 07:47 AM   #253
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LIVING WILL FORM


I, ________________ being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.


If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:


___a Martini

___a Margarita
___a Scotch and soda
___a Bloody Mary
___a Gin and Tonic
___a Glass of Chardonnay
___a Pork chops
___a Lobster or some crab legs
___ the remote control
___a bowl of ice cream
___the sports page
___sex
___Chocolate

...it should be presumed that I won't ever be getting any better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a wrap. At this point, please call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times...


Signature:___________________________________________ Date: ___________


NOTE:
In Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't need embalming when their time comes... If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!















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Old 10-10-2013, 04:18 PM   #254
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Another casualty

of the shutdown:
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Old 10-10-2013, 04:30 PM   #255
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Aren't all politicians like that 100% of the time?
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Old 10-14-2013, 10:17 AM   #256
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A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:46 AM   #257
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In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.



2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.



3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.



4. No one knows your secret place.



5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.



6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.



7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding underwater.



See it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.

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Old 10-16-2013, 11:24 AM   #258
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Husband comes home from work and wife says my washer machine is not working .Can you look at it?
Husband: "Do I look like the Maytag repair man to you?"
Wife: "Ok"
next day Wife:" My car is making a funny noise . Will you look at it ?"
Husband: "Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench ?"
Wife: "Ok"
couple weeks go by
Husband : Hey I will look at the washer machine now
Wife :"That's ok it's fixed "
Husband : "Ok I will look at your car now"
Wife : That's ok it's fixed also"
Husband: "Who fixed them?"
Wife : "the man down the street"
Husband : That was nice of him ,we should do something for him"
Wife : That's already taken care of
Husband : What do you mean;
Wife : "he said I could bake him a cake or have sex with him"
Husband :"I guess I need to go and have a word with him.By they way what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Wife: "Do I look like Betty Crocker to you ?"
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Old 10-17-2013, 08:25 AM   #259
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Old age....

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.




However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!




Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?


'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.




'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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Old 10-18-2013, 09:38 PM   #260
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Subject: Sex At 68

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses,
without your glasses.
........and old age is looking for them when you are wearing them!
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~


Ted

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I'm tired of fast moves, I've got a slow groove, on my mind.....
I want to spend some time, Not come and go in a heated rush.....
"Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters
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