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Old 08-30-2013, 06:31 AM   #221
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Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN!
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:20 PM   #222
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Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:41 PM   #223
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After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.


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Old 09-03-2013, 06:55 PM   #224
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The Barbershop

A guy pops into a barbershop and asks one of the guys busy cutting hair " How long a wait for a haircut?" The barber looks up and says "I'm booked up for a couple of hours" The guy thanks him and leaves.
A few days later the same guy walks in with the same question for the barber, barber tells him "Sorry I have about 3 hours of appointments booked" The guy thanks him and leaves again. The barber tells the shoeshine boy " See that guy that just left, he's been in here a couple of times asking how long a wait to get a haircut, but he never gets one. Maybe he is from another shop trying to take some of our customers, the next time you follow him and see who he's working for."
Several days later it happens again, and the barber tells him he'll be busy till closing time, the guy as usual thanks him and leaves. The barber tells the shoeshine boy, "OK now follow him and see who he is working for, then hurry back and let me know." A while later the shoeshine boy returns, tears of laughter running down his face the barber shouts " Well fool, don't just stand there, tell us, where did he go?"
See the shoeshine boy's answer below:


















"He went To your house."
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Old 09-08-2013, 12:49 AM   #225
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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013
EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years .


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs hav e glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
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Old 09-08-2013, 04:09 PM   #226
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All good ones! And I have nothing to contribute, alas, other than perhaps the old saw about the man who went to a second hand store to get one for his watch.

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Old 09-09-2013, 12:31 PM   #227
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I hope this has not been posted before, but here we go.

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks . . . . They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replied . . . . . . . . . . .


Wait for it . . . . . . . . . . .


It's coming . . . . . . . . . . .


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She said . . . . . . . . . . .:


'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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Old 09-11-2013, 05:38 PM   #228
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How to wash a cat

With apologies (not from our dog) to cat lovers.
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Old 09-12-2013, 02:02 PM   #229
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Abbott and Costello are right.
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Old 09-12-2013, 04:35 PM   #230
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Abbott and Costello are right.

LOL. Good one.
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Old 09-12-2013, 05:48 PM   #231
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HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? - 2012 Tropfest Finalist - YouTube
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Old 09-12-2013, 06:25 PM   #232
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You've got a warped, sick sense of humor. I love it! Monty Pythonesque.
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Old 09-12-2013, 06:37 PM   #233
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Funny **it!
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Old 09-12-2013, 07:29 PM   #234
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In Keeping with the Change a light bulb theme I offer this one (I was threatened with banishment ftom the T&T thread for posting it there years ago.)

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?*
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn't
the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
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Old 09-12-2013, 07:49 PM   #235
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That's hysterical, Steve! I love it!

But you forgot a couple...

14 people - Light bulbs? Who uses light bulbs? We converted to LED years ago.

and...

One person to post a "PM sent" message on the thread.
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Old 09-12-2013, 07:53 PM   #236
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyWright View Post
and...One person to post a "PM sent" message on the thread.
()
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Old 09-13-2013, 05:08 AM   #237
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"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,'
the idea must be feasible."
-- A Yale University management professor in response to
Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America
likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. Rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France
"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut
from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria , 1873.
And last but not least...
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977






















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Old 09-13-2013, 06:33 AM   #238
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The Pastor's Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won..

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey That he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper head line Read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get rid Of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the nun to buy back The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild..

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . Being concerned about public opinion Can bring you much grief and misery . . Even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and You'll be a lot happier And Live longer!

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Old 09-13-2013, 09:32 AM   #239
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve View Post
In Keeping with the Change a light bulb theme I offer this one (I was threatened with banishment ftom the T&T thread for posting it there years ago.)

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?*
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn't
the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:09 PM   #240
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One for my fellow nerds.

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE COMPUTER MANUALS?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situations' hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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