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Old 06-29-2013, 05:32 AM   #201
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Originally Posted by FF View Post
Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire:

Here's her story:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.
















BWAHAHAHA Love it.

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Old 06-29-2013, 05:32 AM   #202
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Originally Posted by Rambler View Post
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked

where he was going at that time of night.

<image001.jpg>

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the

human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really?

Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

LOLOL

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Old 06-30-2013, 10:47 PM   #203
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Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally
picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came
across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do
you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Old 07-01-2013, 05:29 AM   #204
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A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ....if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."- Groucho Marx.




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Old 07-02-2013, 05:50 AM   #205
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Exercise

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water,but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT YOU THIS MESSAGE BEFORE..........? ?







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Old 07-03-2013, 05:26 AM   #206
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the

doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.


Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.


About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we could...'





At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning... you don't.'






































































































































Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the

doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.


Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.


About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we could...'








At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning... you don't.'



























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Old 07-06-2013, 05:55 AM   #207
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Forgot my glasses




Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.



Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.



She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.



I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.



She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"



I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.



She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."



"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.



She fainted.



Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.





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Old 07-13-2013, 04:14 PM   #208
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SFO Accident Asiana Pilots Identified

TV Station Makes Error, Reads 4 Wrong Names Of Asiana Crash Pilots 'Sum Ting Wong' And 'Ho Lee Fuk' - YouTube
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:32 PM   #209
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That is priceless! I guess it doesn't take much to be a newsreader these days.

She really is Sum Dim Chic

I love the bit in her apology later where she states that the NTSB confirmed the names ...

I bet someone back in DC had to work really hard not to bust a gut when she asked him to confirm them. Someone there is still rolling on the floor.

Korean names are a natural for that sort of thing though ... we used to use a gangway guard in Busan who was called Bak Soon Ohkai.
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:38 AM   #210
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Woman:
Do you drink beer?






Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer ?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:37 PM   #211
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I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Detroit ".

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:37 PM   #212
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DUCK

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here." The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says "no."

The duck asks “Do you have any grapes?"
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Old 08-16-2013, 06:37 PM   #213
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If someone pays for sex..........does that make them buy-sexual?


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Old 08-17-2013, 05:22 PM   #214
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I have received many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting falcon in the city of Detroit is perhaps the most remarkable shot that I have ever seen. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

Nesting Falcon

Ted
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Old 08-17-2013, 10:18 PM   #215
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I have received many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting falcon in the city of Detroit is perhaps the most remarkable shot that I have ever seen. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

Nesting Falcon

Ted
I'ld guess high water may have drove that falcon find a higher nest than usual.
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Old 08-20-2013, 12:19 PM   #216
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Men are so logical

Hmmmmm . . .
===============================

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: (3) 6 packs a day
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 - 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have (3) 6 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?



Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your bloody Ferrari then?

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Old 08-20-2013, 03:27 PM   #217
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A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.


"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"


"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."


So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.


About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.


"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.


"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"


"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"


"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."


The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.


So he shoots the dog.


When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.


Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"


The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"


"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman.


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Old 08-21-2013, 02:40 AM   #218
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I'ld guess high water may have drove that falcon find a higher nest than usual.
Hang on, that looks suspiciously like a gum tree, with a right hand drive falcon nesting in it.
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Old 08-21-2013, 01:49 PM   #219
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A recent article in the Midland Reporter Telegram reported that a woman (Anne Maynard) has sued Midland Memorial Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:00 AM   #220
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“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’
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