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Old 05-17-2013, 03:43 PM   #181
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Old 05-17-2013, 07:33 PM   #182
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Yup, male switches are quite simple. Female switches on the other hand tend to be a bit more complex.
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:02 AM   #183
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY...
-What's this doing here?
-Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
-I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-Damn, there go the lights again...
-Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
-The left vein's connected to the... right aorta... the left brain's connected to the... stomach bone...
-At least he doesn't have brain damage... wait... now he does
-Has anyone here used one of these before?
-Hey Beavis...heh heh...check it out...BOING OING OING!!!!
-I'm gonna need one of you guys to start whispering in her ear. Tell her to "Move away from the light".
-Look on the bright side, at least his wife won't have to worry about getting pregnant...
-This is the part where I always get stuck.
-Thank god for malpractice insurance!
-Someone call the janitor and tell him to bring a mop.
-Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, what's that?
-Stand back! I lost a contact.
-Could you stop that thing from beeping? It's throwing off my concentration!
-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
-I should have brought my glasses.
-Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's pretty clean, right?
-Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
-Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
-She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
-FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!
-Max! MAX! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-Oh, no! Anybody seen my Rolex?
-I hate it when there's stuff missing.
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
-And now, I'll remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
-This patient has already had kids, right?
-What do you mean you want a divorce?!
-Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
-Oops.
-Let me ask your opinion, nurse...
-I thought we started with four clamps?
-Has anyone ever seen one of these?
-What do you mean, it's upside down?
-Oh, man! I think I'm gonna be sick.
-This is what happens when cousins marry.
-You think we can sew it back on?
-Put on Dr Kevorkian's new CD.
-Is that supposed to be yellow?
-I learned that when I studied to be a vet.
-Not bad for someone who failed med school huh?
-What does the AMA know? I still think I can do it.
-Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.
-Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?
-They never let us practice on real people in med school.
-That proves aliens have taken over our bodies.
-He looks like my ex-wife's attorney. The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!
-Don't worry, he'll never know. He's out!
-Okay, make a wish and pull.
-So that's what a girl looks like!
-Back in a minute. Gotta put more money in the meter.
-What he doesn't know won't hurt us.
-Uh, ya want fries with that?
-Who ordered the pepperoni?
-Tilt that TV this way. I can't see the game.
-The voices in my head keep telling me not to do this.
-I think my Alzheimer's is getting... uh...
-Oh, yeah? If you think you're so good, you do it!
-CLEAR!!


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A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes that he has got the biggest piece.
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Old 05-26-2013, 07:22 AM   #184
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An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later shesaid: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"






Down at the Retirement Center

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what 's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."





Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don 't get mad at me... I know we 've been friends for a long time but Ijust can 't think of your name. I 've thought and thought, but I can 't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?"





Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife 's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon, I just heard on the news that there 's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It 's not just one car.. It 's hundreds of them!"




Supersex

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to anelderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."




Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came toanother major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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Old 05-28-2013, 10:48 AM   #185
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Old 06-08-2013, 12:06 PM   #186
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What's more painful?

Which is more painful a woman having a baby or a man getting kicked in the nuts?


Did you ever hear a man say that he would like to get kicked in the nuts again?
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:50 AM   #187
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"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then voila, you finish off as an orgasm!"
Woody Allen










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Old 06-10-2013, 09:31 PM   #188
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For all the true salts. LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home. The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum,no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water . GO NAVY!
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:47 AM   #189
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River Cruiser View Post
"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
I think that she might have been sailing a little late in the day to participate in the Revolutionary War and way too early for the War of 1812. Maybe all that rum had something to do with it.
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:59 PM   #190
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Deodorant

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: “Remove cap and push up bottom.”I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
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Old 06-12-2013, 05:09 AM   #191
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When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
This ******* looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds , had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
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Old 06-12-2013, 05:14 AM   #192
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HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.







Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.







I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped



your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started










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Old 06-14-2013, 06:36 AM   #193
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High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
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Old 06-15-2013, 11:06 AM   #194
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so ...the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…
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Old 06-18-2013, 07:03 PM   #195
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True story.

A family that had buried a son in another town 40 or so years ago wanted to have him interred in their now family plot. So thay got the permit to exhume the body and rebury it. They asked my backhoe man that was a friend if he would dig the grave. So, he hauled the backhoe over that morning, and stayed to cover the new grave. They were having a ceremony with the family minister and a violin player among others waiting for the dignified re-interment. Well, at the appointed hour no casket. They waited a couple of hours with people standing around on cell phones trying to find out what was happening.

Then down at the foot of the hill starting up the cemetary road was one of those trucks that hauls burial vaults. They have a gantry crane on them, and are similar to a septic tank truck. They came up the hill lickety-split, and started backing to the grave. One of the guys got out of the truck to give directions lining up with the grave. The truck kept coming back, and stopped suddenly. The muddy vault slid off and into the grave partially. It was at an angle with one corner on the bottom. One of the guys got out with a clip board and said please sign her. They drove off.

The preacher said a few words and a prayer, and everyone started leaving. My backhoe man slid a chain around the vault, and pulled it back toward the end. It fell with a big whoomp. He was afraid to pull the chain out, so we lost a chain as he covered the grave.

So much for a dignified ceremony.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:00 PM   #196
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Nothing but home movies, but my dog is funny. IMHO anyway.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:58 AM   #197
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An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.




It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.








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Old 06-26-2013, 05:48 AM   #198
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Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire:

Here's her story:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.

The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.


















































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Old 06-26-2013, 02:07 PM   #199
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The difference between a good Catholic and a good Baptist is the Catholics recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:07 AM   #200
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked


where he was going at that time of night.



<image001.jpg>




The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the


human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really?


Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."






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