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Old 04-20-2014, 10:42 AM   #1
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and tests were done, there
were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair...
kill her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from
her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks.' she said, 'I had to kill him with the

1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Lehman 135 Twins

Steve Point Cadet/ Biloxi, Mississippi USA
*Present 42 twin 135 Lehmans
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:30 AM   #2
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Posts: 14,908
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of TAMPONS and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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Old 04-25-2014, 05:12 AM   #3
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Posts: 14,908

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 .
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button
301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on
the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say,
'Times up!' "?
__________________________________________________ __

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single
roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
__________________________________________________ __

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

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Old 04-25-2014, 12:01 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by FF View Post

__________________________________________________ __

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Wifey B: Darn. I thought we were unique and we're just one of 37 million.
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Old 04-26-2014, 03:12 PM   #5
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Totally bored as long flight today....

Wifey B:

So you notice little things and get silly, or I do. Hubby is too. He's contributing to this. So my stream of thought the last few minutes. Well, the part that can be printed.

Ok, going from Eastern to Central time zone. Then flying from Central, passing over Mountain, to Pacific. Why is it Pacific and not Western? Pacific should be off shore like Atlantic is. Just saying.

Fasten Belt While Seated. Has anyone ever tried to fasten it when not seated, like standing? It doesn't say keep it fastened while seated, but just telling you to fasten while seated. Just saying.

Why did the girl in the airport wear a short skirt and then keep pulling it down? Is she bi-mini? Can't decide. Obviously when she put it on it was to show a lot. Now she keeps trying not to while only drawing more attention to it. Just saying.

Oh, from hubby. Official profession re: IRS for a person who sews like in an apparel factory. Sewer. Ewwww. English Language and double use of words spelled the same, pronounced differently. No way I'd put that on my return. Just saying.

Why was the stewardess.....make that flight attendant.....why was she surprised we didn't want Champagne at 9:30 in the morning? Concerns me she knows something she's not telling and thinks we're going to need it for the flight. Just saying.

And why is stewardess now not acceptable on plane, but it's flight attendant..on boat it's stewardess and steward. Should they become cruise attendants or boat attendants? What is so bad about the word stewardess to air people? It's like secretaries don't want to be called that but Executive Assistants. Oh and to me I was always just a teacher. But they gave me freaking business cards reading "District Director, Remedial and Advanced Reading Programs." Just saying.

My hubby met one dude from Bangladesh once who listed all his titles in all his companies, all just owned by him. I kid you not, it was a fold out business card. Trifold. Just to list them all. Can you say ego? Just saying.

Is there an FAA regulation that requires at least one crying baby or child on every airplane? If you don't have one do the attendants have a recording they pipe through? Just saying.

Why do they take such pride in telling us how high we are in the plane? Does it matter to you as a passenger unless suddenly you start falling? Or is it just to interrupt the sleep of someone who happens to fall asleep on the plane? Or, "We are now flying over Laramie, Wyoming." You look out and all you can see is sky and clouds. Do we trust they're telling us the truth? Do the clouds look different there? Just saying.

This is another from my hubby. Ever been to places like Lookout Mountain and Rock City in Chattanooga or other high places near many states and they say, look out this telescope and you can see five states. There are no lines on a map. How do you know? Maybe I'll build something and say you can see 8 states through my special telescope. You won't know how many you see. Just saying.

How do you possibly dress for a flight between two different climates. Like in winter the women in South Florida wearing their furs as they board for NY. It was in the 80's but nice when I left FL. Airplane like ice. Was like 80 in Dallas but the airport sure seemed hotter. Don't they turn the air conditioning on? Maybe they can't in April or something like NY offices. Now another plane and it's hot. Then Seattle right now is 53 degrees and shocking, it's going to rain tonight. 53 degrees? Ok, should I have dressed like an Eskimo at home? Or just freeze till I get to the hotel. Brought a sweater so will toss that on. Legs will get cold but I'll survive. Why doesn't Thermos make clothes. Their stuff knows how to keep you the same temperature. Greatest invention ever, keeps hot hot and cold cold. Now that's smart. Just saying.

When you leave somewhere in a car why do parents or others always say, "Drive safely." Or why do people say, "Be careful." Do they think that works? No, I was planning on going out and having a wreck but since you said not to, I won't. And perhaps the most useless words on earth, "Don't worry." Have you ever worried less when someone said that. Actually most people worry more just figuring if there wasn't a reason to worry no one would say not to. That's like people arguing and one says "Calm Down." Ever worked? Just saying.

And I just love the questions people ask, especially us women, that can't be answered and you better not try. "Honey, do you like my new hair style better?" Yes, it's very nice. "You didn't like my old one?" Or any question regarding weight. Just saying.

Or things we just say not thinking of an answer. Things like "how are you doing?" And if you dudes are like my hubby he only knows one answer to that and it's only one word, "Fine." But the other person isn't waiting for an answer, doesn't care. They're on to something else. I see it now. "How are you doing?" I'm very sick. "Oh that's good to hear, we just got back from Chicago. Have you traveled recently?" I had a friend who does this routinely so one day I just said "I'm pregnant." She keeps going and five minutes lateer another friend just stares at her. She never heard it. Oh and for the record I'm not pregnant. Just saying.

Oh and the airlines no longer have those little pillows and blankets or very limited. I'm sure those pillows must have cost millions. Had they thought maybe keep the pillows and not pay the CEO leaving $50 million to go. Just saying.

We're on Delta. Not like olden days. Once long ago according to my hubby, the stewardesses said "We're ready when you are." Ok, was Delta's slogan, "Delta's ready when you are." Am I the only one asking "ready for what?" Cause they're not ready to fly when I am. To do that I could just drive up, walk to plane and take off. It took them an hour and a half in Ft. Lauderdale to be ready and 2 hours in Dallas. That's why this trip takes 10 hours. And I have no earthly idea when I should go to sleep tonight. Sure wish they'd get some transporters you could just step in and then you'd be there. Just saying.

I do hope everyone's having a great day and for real I am, none of the airline and flying stuff really bothers me. I've got my health and the man I love and friends and especially seeing some here who have lost others recently it really hits us both how freaking blessed we really are. Whoever you are, wherever you are, today is a gift. Treat it as such. And find a way to Laugh along the way.
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Old 04-28-2014, 05:20 PM   #6
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

* I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for an African orphan. I said hell no, with my luck I'd win one!
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Old 04-28-2014, 07:31 PM   #7
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Winnie the Poo

How do you manage to get fired the first day in a Winnie the Poo costume?

By putting your costume pants on backwards!
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:37 AM   #8
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A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, 'Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Allan & Ann
If your floatin' your boatin'!!!
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Old 05-23-2014, 03:05 PM   #9
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Lost Wife

A husband went to the police station to report his wife missing:
Husband : - I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : - What is her height ?
Husband: - I really never noticed.
Sergeant : - Build?
Husband: - Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : - Color of eyes?
Husband : - Never noticed.
Sergeant : - Color of hair?
Husband : - Changes according to season.
Sergeant : - What was she wearing?
Husband: Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : - yes.
Sergeant : - What kind of car was it?
Husband : - Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant: - Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.
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Old 05-23-2014, 06:14 PM   #10
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Time for some Yogi Berra since my wife mentioned him in another thread:

The future ain't what it used to be.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I never said most of the things I said.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

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